Slowly Boiling Frog

I Can't Remember the Last Time a TV Show Filled Me With Such, Well...Glee

2009-05-21T12:38:00.003-05:00

Fox is trying something different with a pilot. Instead of, say, dumping it to Friday nights and letting it die, they're actually premiering it now and letting word of mouth build it up for this coming Fall. It's an interesting approach, given Fox's habit of canceling things before they've barely premiered, or giving it a timeslot in which it will simply languish and die.

The show is "Glee," and I admit, even from the name, it's the kind of show that I usually avoid. Tell me if any of this sounds original: A teacher, teaching at his former high school, takes over a club that is his own personal passion (in this case, the Glee Club). This group is full of misfits who are picked on by everyone else in school. The school itself doesn't even want to pay for the club, and forces the teacher to do it out of his own pocket (a union violation, I'm sure, but let's not bicker).

The cliches don't end there, either. The group of ragtag misfits include the Drama Queen Diva, who has been practicing for stardom since kindergarten, the nerdy kid (Bonus: In a wheelchair!), the effeminate boy who loves to sing, and a black girl who speaks in the most stereotypical way possible.

But wait! The other member of the Glee Club is...a football player! Yup, he's that amazing person that is actually good at doing two things; football and singing! This is a surprise, as I always assumed someone on a TV show should only have one talent. For example, if you can dance, you can't also enjoy movies. Or if you're good at construction, you shouldn't, say, cook.

Luckily, his friends are all only good at one thing (football, duh), and don't understand his new passion for music. Well, to be fair, he's kind of tricked into joining the Glee Club, but it turns out that music was his passion all along!

To top it all off, the main character, the teacher, has a wife who doesn't understand his passion for teaching (and Glee Club). And there's a woman at school who seems really into him and wants him to follow his dreams.

To tell you the truth, if I had just read the description I'd written, there is now way I would have ever watched this show. If you haven't seen the show, you've probably already stopped reading this review anyway.

However, if you did see the show, you know that, against all odds, it all worked. Every single thing worked. I'm not excusing the fact that it looks like "High School Musical" for a slightly older crowd (complete with many, many songs). However, there's just something about the likability of the characters that helps to sell the show. Yes, the plot is formulaic, and there's really no surprises you couldn't have predicted on your own, but there is one thing surprising about the show.

The show, named "Glee," is surprisingly optimistic. It's not a sugary sweet "Everything will be okay because we're the main characters" kind of optimism. Instead, it reminds the viewer to be conscious of what they're passionate about in their life, and enjoy it. It's not asking you to just be happy for the characters, it's reminding you of the joy in your own life you get from pursuing your interests and passions. In an era of tv and film-making where "darker and grittier" is usually the order of day, it's refreshing to see a show that is willing to be full of unreserved happiness about it's subject matter.

Fox is counting on word of mouth buzz to promote this show before it premieres in the fall. Let me do my part by saying it's available as a free download on iTunes and streaming on Hulu.com for the next few weeks. Do yourself a favor and get some "Glee" in your life.

Is "The Terminator" Franchise, Well, Terminated?

2009-05-18T10:33:00.002-05:00

Fox's "Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles" has been canceled. This is probably not the best press to have the week before the new "Terminator: Salvation" movie opens. "Come pay for a movie about characters you won't watch for free!" Great marketing.

Actually, I have to give the producers credit for the marketing of this movie. "Terminator: Savlation" looks very, very good. A lot of that probably has to do with the fact that Christian Bale is involved. It's easy to just chalk him up to being hot following last years "Dark Knight," but the truth is, Bale is just a fantastic actor. There are movie stars and there are actors, and Bale is definitely in the "actor" category.

However, will his presence be enough to save "Salvation?" I'm sure his John Connor will be fantastic, but this franchise needs more than just a great performance. It needs a great movie. And no, not a mindless, CGI-fest of big robots killing people, but a movie that harkens back to the original two movies.

I know there was a third movie, but even the inclusion of Arnold Schwarzeneggar couldn't save it. I'm sure there are some "T3" apologists out there, but, face facts. That movie was awful. "Oh, what about the big chase scene..." Terrible. "What about the fight between the two..." Deplorable. There are not enough negative adjectives in the English language to describe the bottom of the barrel tripe that is "T3." I would actually have to learn an additional language to describe how terrible the third film is. It's so terrible that the TV show, which is being canceled, chose to negate the events of the third film in its pilot. "T3" exists in the same sort of universe as "Highlander 2," "Superman IV" and "Halloween 3" (and, in my opinion, the nearly unforgivably bad "Matrix" sequels).

After seeing a preview for the new movie, I said "That actually looks really good." My cousin Courtney replied "That actually has the potential to really fuck us." It's hard to disagree with her, no matter how exciting the previews look.

Hopefully, this movie restores the franchise to its original status of sci-fi greatness. If not, this may be the last go-round for our favorite time-traveling cyborgs (until the inevitable reboot in 5 years, since that's the current rage).

Lost Season 5 "The Incident" 5/13/09

2009-05-14T08:21:00.002-05:00

"Two players. Two sides. One is light, one is dark."

One of the things that's been bothering me lately about "Lost" is that, while this season has been more or less fantastic, I was concerned with where the series was heading. It seemed to me that there needed to be some greater stakes in play for the viewer to be invested in. After all, does either Widmore or Ben being in control of the island really, really matter that much to the viewer? Yes, you'd want your favorite characters to have some sort of resolution, but ultimately, the kid in charge of the clubhouse doesn't really matter, does it?

This finale really seemed to address that idea. From the beginning we see two players, one wearing white, the other wearing black. The one in white is Jacob, and the one in black is, for lack of a name, his Adversary. We see what is presumably the Black Rock getting closer to the island, and the Adversary talks about how Jacob is bringing them here. This seems to be an ongoing game, where people are being put to the test, and so far, it seems, have succeeded in only destroying each other. The Adversary also mentions wanting to kill Jacob, but can't due to the rules. All of this takes place in the shadow of the statue.

Throughout the course of the episode, we see Jacob visiting various passengers of Flight 815, at various points in their life. While it would be nice to assume that Jacob is completely and utterly good, we do see a couple of moments that could be interpreted as gray (at the very least). One is his meeting with Sayid, which results in the death of Nadia. Of course, the argument could be made that Jacob saves Sayid from that fate as well. Additionally, Jacob gives young Sawyer a pen to finish his revenge letter. While this seems gray as well, perhaps he's leaving it up to Sawyer to make his own choices?

Interestingly enough, even though we see flashbacks of several characters, Juliet's flashback does not feature Jacob. We get a glimpse into her childhood, but Jacob is not there. Is this significant? Does this mean everyone else is important in Jacob's mission but not Juliet? Is Juliet truly dead, as the end of the episode would have us believe? My wife suggested that since she's down with the same energy that blew the hatch up at the end of season 2, maybe Juliet will actually survive, like Desmond did, and end up running around naked in the jungle next season. I must admit, I thought about this theory for several hours last night...and continue to think about even today. I believe this is a theory worth thinking about, even if only for short intervals. Sigh. Moving on.

Poor Ben. It seems that Ben is something of a Job-like character (from the Bible, not "Arrested Development," although I have to admit, if Will Arnett had been playing Ben as GOB Bluth all this time, the show would have been much different. "Yeah, the leader of the Others is gonna risk his life to save John Locke. COME ON!"). Anyway, Ben seems to have been following Jacob all along, willingly, and only suffered for it. However, in the end, he ends up betraying Jacob, and killing him.

Then there's Locke. I have said, since season one, that Locke is going to end up being the main villain. The Big Bad, if you will. Well, I was right! And wrong. Apparently, the Locke that has been walking around on the island since his "resurrection" is really the Adversary. While unable to kill Jacob himself, he has worked himself into a position to have Ben kill Jacob. "Dead is dead," after all, and Locke seems to be dead for good.

The real John Locke was apparently killed by Ben. Which, if you separate the character of John Locke from the actor Terry O'Quinn (who I'm assuming will be around next season), then John Locke led a sad and ultimately meaningless life, although everything that happened to him was totally in character. EVERY time we see Locke, he is being used by someone; his dad, the people at the commune, Ben, Widmore, and, ultimately, the adversary. Richard comments that he didn't think Locke was all that special. In fact, the one person that never used him was Helen, and he ends up making choices that drive her away. Unless there is some actual resurrection next season, John Locke was a sad, pathetic character, who was never happy with the happiness he had, and his pursuit of more ultimately cost him everything.

Then there's the Adversary. Is he, for lack of a better name, the Smoke Monster? After all, we've seen the Smoke Monster appear as other people before. Could the carvings seen in the temple (where Ben is "judged") be a depiction of Jacob and the Smoke Monster in conflict, as opposed to working together? However, why is the Temple safe for the Others, if they're serving Jacob? Also, who was in the cabin? Jacob? The Adversary posing as Jacob? Was the Adversary posing as Christian?

In regards to the Incident, apparently, again, whatever happened, happened. We see Dr. Chang lose his hand. Jacob, after being stabbed by Ben, says "They're coming." I'm assuming this means that Jack and company end up merely causing the Incident after all, and that they are being transported back to the present time.

Let's speculate on next season. One has to assume that with Jacob and the Adversary both coexisting, there was a balance. Now that Jacob is "dead," the Adversary has the advantage. Who will be following him? One has to assume Widmore, since his banishment most likely turned him against Ben and Richard (the enemy of my enemy and all that).

I would imagine that the survivors of 815 will side with whatever side Locke is on, so I'm betting on some confusion at the beginning of next season. However, they're going to ultimately be on Jacob's side. I'm betting Sawyer is currently not too happy with Jack, since his plan resulted in Juliet's death (I must admit being unhappy with him as well, unless the naked in the jungle theory proves accurate. Then everyone, or at least I, will be happy.).

One last thought regarding the identity of Jacob and his Adversary. Maybe the answer is the obvious one, and Jacob's adversary is his brother, Esau? Perhaps the island is Jacob's Ladder, through which people can ultimately rise up from their beginnings and become better people? From Wikipedia, which is 100% accurate and always right, we have this quote regarding the concept of Jacob's Ladder:

"And so mounting as it were by steps, let us get to heaven by a Jacob’s ladder. For the ladder seems to me to signify in a riddle by that vision the gradual ascent by means of virtue, by which it is possible for us to ascend from earth to heaven, not using material steps, but improvement and correction of manners."

It's sad to think that there are now only 16 episodes left of this phenomenal series.

A Quick Star Trek Review

2009-05-13T09:58:00.002-05:00

Dear Star Trek fans who believe that every single minute detail of history and continuity must be adhered to in a movie, and that the original cast must be retained and imitated exactly and the movie should be all about the great galactic history of the Federation and that the franchise has no reason to be refreshed by a new cast or new direction, and if anything is changed from the original series or subsequent series, books, cartoons, and convention discussion then the new movie will suck,

Go fuck yourselves.

Sincerely,

J.J. Abrams

Lost Season 5 "Follow the Leader" 5/6/09

2009-05-06T15:03:00.005-05:00

“I’m starting to think John Locke is going to be trouble.” 

What have I been saying all along?

With one episode left in a season that has barreled forward with freight-train speed and intensity, it seems like everything is being set up. The question is...what is it being set up for?

First off, let’s get this out of the way. How do you think Kate feels being replaced as the resident hot chick on the island? The good think about Juliet is that, in addition to being attractive, she’s not dumb as an island full of rocks or as selfish as...well, I actually can’t come up with someone or something more selfish than Kate. And I’ve been something of a Kate defender/apologist before. But I just can’t do it anymore. I hope Kate dies. Horribly. Painfully. But also quickly so we don’t have to deal with her.

Then there’s Jack. I find it interesting that the two characters positioned as the “main” characters in the ensemble cast are two of the most reviled on the show. It’s one thing to have secondary characters from the ensemble become fan favorites (as usually happens). However, when characters introduced in the second (Desmond, Ben), third (Juliet), or even fourth (the freighter people, Eloise, Widmore as more than just Penny’s dad) season, then you know you have issues.

Here’s the bad news: They could kill Kate, easily, but I think Jack is in for the long haul, folks. Even if you hate him with every fiber of your being, he’s too intertwined in the island’s mythology to go anywhere now. His dad and half-sister are hanging out in the cabin, and it looks like he’s single-handedly responsible for causing “The Incident.”

Speaking of which...what exactly was/is Jack’s plan for setting off the bomb? Does he think they have “ON” buttons or something? I’m kind of hoping he yells “Yeehaw!” and hops on the bomb, Slim Pickens style. Then it blows up. I also believe that if Jack is wrong and all setting off the bomb does is kill everyone, including them and the Dharma Initiative, that Sayid will somehow survive.

But let’s talk bigger problems. Big, Locke-sized problems. The New John Locke (TM) is much calmer, relaxed, driven and focused than the man who crashed on the island (or even the man who got killed by Ben, for that matter). Death seems to have given him a new outlook on life. And now he’s the Leader of the Others and going to see Jacob. Apparently to kill him.

OK, theory time

What if there’s a difference between The Island and Jacob? If John is in tune with The Island, and is doing what The Island tells him to do, then why does he want to kill Jacob?

Richard and Ben seem to be awfully chummy, and it’s nice to see Ben still scheming. I think Ben still has some ace up his sleeve, no matter how much he protests that he doesn’t know anything about what’s going on anymore.

I think I’ve mentioned before that I think it would be interesting if The Island is some malevolent thing/force/entity, and that Jacob is someone/something that keeps it in check. Maybe neither side can be destroyed, but keep each other in balance.

I think this feeds into the idea of a “war” coming. Right now, it looks like the war is between Widmore and Ben, but who really cares if either side wins? If Widmore wins and gets to go back to the island...who cares? Unless someone being in control of the island (or, more specifically, The Island) means something greater for the rest of the world. If Widmore is some evil man, and he’s in control of The Island’s powers, he could conceivably rule/destroy/enslave/(fill in the super-villain plot here) the world. What if Ben is someone willing to sacrifice everything, including his daughter, in his zealous attempt to keep The Island in check? What are the two sides?

Also, the names Jack and Jacob are derived from the same source; what if Jack causes the incident, gets himself unstuck in time, and becomes Jacob? After all, the rest of his family is already there...and if his family is important to the island, then there’s probably a reason Aaron shouldn’t be raised by another.

Next week’s episode is entitled “The Incident.”

Geek Bracket: Final Round

2007-09-25T08:30:00.000-05:00

Wow. We got a lot of votes. A lot. And while we got far more votes than scenarios, the scenarios we got were impressive. Most impressive. Darth Maul vs. Wyatt Earp and his Immortals. Who comes out alive?

Anna starts us off with this email: "I have a different opinion than that of all of the Geek Bracket Summer Broadcasting Doldrums First Annual Smackdown 2007 Haters. I think that
this is a particularly challenging battle, and perhaps a very fitting one. (Topped only by, say, The Death Star v. Hal the Quietly Malicious Supercomputer of 2001 Space Odyssey or something.) I say that because this is a battle that pits emotional ties against true Dark Power. Clearly Maul has the upper hand as far as brawn is concerned. A rag-tag band of boozehounds, womanizers and the terminally ill stand no chance against a...uhm...whatever it is that Darth Maul is.
Zarmbakgoihasf? Whatever. Something like that. Anyway, my vote is cast as such:

Maul beats the crap out of the boys of the OK Corrall until Earp realizes that he and his men have the altruistic powers of GOOD on their side. (And, ironically, all Hell really IS coming with them.) And then they, not unlike Neo in the final Matrix (which was, in my opinion, the greatest cinematic cop out of all time) harness the power of the nebulous sun or greater good or cosmic warm fuzzies or whatnot and Maul succumbs just in time for the credits to roll, during which
we see an epiloguian photo montage in which Jar Jar Binks is shown hooking up with one of the saloon floozies from Tombstone."

Nicely done. Score one for the good(ish) guys.

A Nonny Moose gives this scenario, and explanation for his extensive knowledge of Zabrakian culture: "I have to blame my Star Wars expanded universe knowledge firmly on the shoulders of being first and foremost a role-playing geek...I looked up Darth Maul in a Star Wars RP game book...

that being said...

Darth Maul vs. Wyatt Earp et. al.

This one is by far the simplest of all the match-ups i've involved myself in...no flowery scenarios...despite obviously having numbers, Wyatt and his Immortals just can't stand up before the whirling dervish that is Maul...if Indy's lower intestinally induced indifference can't over come the power of the Dark Side with a bullet, i doubt a veritable hail of lead is going to stop Darth Sidious' apprentice...

Darth Maul for the win."

Score one for the bad guy (Who is a Zabrak).

Now, the following two scenarios are quite lengthy in their own right, and putting them together turns this blog post into an epic, not unlike, say, the Odyssey. So I would highly recommend you wait until you have the proper time to read them, as they are both quite good. First up, Kevin.

"Wow, the tension… So thick, so palpable, so… Geeky. It makes me…sniff…proud. Anyhow, I'll avoid any lambasting since I've been slacking here as of late and give you my pick:

It is dusk in Mos Eisley and Tattooine's twin suns are setting behind veils of burning sand.

Grainy silhouettes emerge, six-shooters in their holsters, heads bowed against the dying of the light. One-by-one, they appear, specters fluttering in the wind: Wyatt, Virgil, Morgan, and Doc.

Another face appears, crimson as blood and laced in a filigree of black. To Wyatt it is the face of Death; to Doc it is the Devil himself, come to claim his wayward son…

Darth Maul.

There is a hissing of energy as Maul ignites his dual-lightsaber. Wyatt whistles and the Immortals, as silent as desert boa snakes, fan out, forming a line in front of the Sith Lord; a line he must not cross. Wyatt senses, somehow, that the odds are not in their favor. He glances at his brother, who winks and nods. At his left, Doc laughs. A sound more akin to a death rattle.

Lawmen and evil personified stand before each other, unmoving, refugees in the eye of the storm. Doc coughs, hawking blood. Somewhere in the distance, the echo of a Tusken Raider barks three times.

Darth Maul advances, his footsteps quick and deliberate, lightsaber whooshing in a dance of scarlet light. Six-shooters shush against their leather holsters, hammers ringing as bullets blaze, filling the air with thunder.

Morgan is the first to die, his arms simultaneously severed at the elbows, the stumps cauterized before the lightsaber bursts through the other side of his chest, his fingers still pulling the trigger, firing into the dust. Darth Maul moves to the next in line, deflecting bullets into a constellation of sparks as he charges the rest of the Immortals, untouched.

Virgil is next, dying satisfied to finally draw a bead on the Sith; Got the sucker, the last thought in his decapitated head. Darth Maul stands his ground, his lightsaber spinning in a glowing dervish.

Wyatt, his brother killed in cold blood as he watched, rushes Darth Maul. "Take him, Doc!" he shouts. "Get that murderin' son of a bitch once and for all!"

Doc, coughing, but still grinning like it was his birthday when the world was still new, tosses one six-shooter down, and reloads the other. Wyatt, spitting fire and smoke from his hip, hears the click-clack of an empty chamber in his revolver. He whips the revolver at this newfound enemy and points a thumb at his sheriff's star. "C'mon, you ugly clown. Come get what you came for!"

Darth Maul charges him, and Wyatt, no fool to what's coming, obliges him. The lightsaber, in an upward arc, burns through his gut, charring his intestines and turning his spine into molten slag. His legs go numb below the waist. The Sith's eyes burn like hellfire, and in them Wyatt sees his reflection sinking in their depths. Then, Darth Maul's expression changes from a snarl of triumph, to one of escalating concern. The Sith tries to finish the sheriff off once and for all, but Wyatt, on his knees and still alive, has a death grip on his forearms. Smoke sputters from Wyatt's lips as he is cooked from the inside-out. Through clenched teeth, he shouts, "Got ya, bastard!"

Doc Holliday steps out of the line and fires. The bullet snaps Darth Maul's head back, and the Sith Lord falls to his knees. For a moment, Wyatt and Darth Maul embrace like lovers, then Wyatt, with the last, fading ounce of his strength, shoves him off. As he stares at the sand-curtained sky, a shadow covers him in its shroud.

"Huh," Doc says and coughs. "Got 'em right between the horns." Wyatt smiles.

"See ya in the next life, Doc."

Doc crouches, tips his hat to his dying friend. "Not likely, I imagine," he says, grinning, blood on his lips. "I don't deserve the life you'll have next. But I appreciate the sentiment all the same." He stands, but to Wyatt it seems as if he is on a mountaintop.

"No. You'll be there…" Wyatt closes his eyes. His voice is a whisper now. "Til then."

Doc Holliday, no longer grinning, wipes the blood from his lips and looks around for a tavern to toast a drink to dearly departed friends before attempting to find them a funeral parlor. He hears strange music, Chinese most possibly, he thinks, and sets off in the direction of the second sun as it sets in the Tattooine sky."

Bravo. For the record, Kevin is a writer, whose book can be found here:http://lulu.com/content/766776

Next up, is John. John used to contribute scenarios to the Geek Bracket quite regularly, until he decided it would be more fun to simply bash the Bracket (in its own comments section!). Regardless, he sends us this wonderful scenario:

"Mos Eisley is about to get dustier.

The normally bustling street outside Docking Bay 94 is quiet now, a little too quiet. On this avenue, where the din of a thousand overlapping intergalactic voices rumbles each day from the first sign of light to the moment the twin suns set, there is now only the wheezy gasp of desert wind and the dull, electric hum of a dual-bladed lightsaber.

Five figures, all clad in black, dot the road, four on one end, one at the other, with only a hundred feet of dirt and an unknown destiny between them.

"Storm's comin, Ani!" cries an old hag at the side of the street. "You better get home quick!"

A storm indeed.

Morgan groans. "I got a bad feelin' about this..."

"Gentlemen," Earp grunts at the other two, "What's your take on the situation?"

"I don't know. You reckon' he's an in'jun demon, all painted up like that?" Virgil asks the group.

Doc moves the toothpick in his mouth from one side of his tongue to the other, never taking his eyes off the cloaked figure standing yards away. "He's a Zabrak. He's got horns."

Three heads turn in unison and glance questioningly at Doc, but quickly return their gaze to the tattooed creature front and center. The four of them raise their guns, but before they are able to even take aim Maul is in motion, flipping into the air and spinning straight for the group. Wyatt and company scatter. As Maul lands, he knocks Doc's hat from his head with one end of his lightsaber.

Now separated at four points on the street, Wyatt's gang makes quick eye contact with one another and then opens fire on Maul from all sides. He twirls and deflects the bullets easily with his lightsaber. He charges at Virgil, but before he is able to strike more shots erupt behind him as Wyatt and Morgan unload. Maul blocks the bullets with a Force wall using his left arm to swipe at Virgil. The lightsaber blade singes Virgil's shoulder before he can reload, dropping him to the ground.

Maul spins and swaps tactics, deflecting gunshots with his lightsaber while he tightly twists his clenched left hand, choking Virgil with the Force. As the dying man coughs up his last breath, Maul lifts his body with the Force and hurls it at his other assailants, knocking them backwards into a cluttered storefront littered with droid parts.

Maul paces the street outside the vendor's quarters, waiting. When no one emerges, he marches toward the now shattered doorway, but just as he is about to enter, a swarm of two-dozen jawas surges forward, knocking him to the dirty ground. With Maul dazed, Earp and Morgan fire again, blasting Maul's lightsaber from his grasp. It bounces to a nearby ditch, where the jawas descend upon it. Maul attempts to wrench it from them with the Force, but their collective grip is too great.

Struggling to free his lightsaber, Maul pays no heed to the light rhythmic thud that's quickly growing louder behind him. When he finally does turn, he has only a second to take in the sight of Doc Holliday mounted atop a massive bantha, headed straight for him. The titanic creature plows into Maul and knocks him twenty feet into the air. His brittle horns snap as he lands head-first on the hard ground. Dazed again, he sets his sights on Doc and the bantha, anticipating another attack, but in doing so he fails to acknowledge the massive shadow that was following closely behind Doc's new fuzzy steed.

The rumbling is louder now, seismic. Doc leaps from the bantha's back and sends it on its way, pursued by something coming up fast on the prone Sith Lord. Maul has little time to react as the dust clears and reveals the towering rancor monster, a beast several stories tall and equipped with razor-sharp claws and teeth. The creature drops its gaze from the fleeing bantha and focuses now on Maul. The evil Jedi attempts to bound away, but he is seized by the rancor and swept off the ground. The rancor squeezes Maul within its grip, crushing his bones, and raises him up toward a set of gaping jaws. With a heavy chomp and roaring grunt, the rancor bites off Maul's head and swallows it whole, then droops the headless body to the ground.

Wyatt and Morgan step forward from the storefront, waving unsettled dust from the air. They regroup with Doc at the center of the street, beside the crushed carcass of Darth Maul.

"Foodo," Doc snarls, then spits a mouthful of blood on the lifeless Sith Lord.

"Well done, Doc," Wyatt says quietly. "But now what do we do about that?" He points up at the drooling, snarling face of the rancor, its eyes now fixed on the three remaining Immortals.

"Clearly, friend," Doc responds, "that is a battle for another bracket...."

Wyatt and Morgan glance at each other and nod in agreement, then quickly jog toward a crowd of speeder bikes parked outside a cantina. They commandeer three of them, and, after a little trouble with the controls, zoom away far from the reach of the rancor, out to the desert beyond Mos Eisely's border and into the glow of two setting suns."

Nicely done.

I am surprised nobody sent me an email containing the lines "I see a lightsaber I kill the man holding it!"

But enough. You've all voted, and it's time to find out who wins the prestigious (?) honor of 1st Annual Slowly Boiling Frog Geek Bracket Champion. It was close, but the winner and undisputed champion is...

DARTH MAUL.

So thank you, one and all, who contributed your votes, thoughts and scenarios. I hope it's been a fun little time-waster for the summer, and if you'd like, we'll do it again next summer, with an entirely different roster of contestants (and possibly a revamp for the structure). In the meantime, keep reading, because the "Heroes" recap goes up soon, followed by "Journeyman" and then "Bionic Woman." Thanks again!

Also, if there are any artists out there who would like to design a Slowly Boiling Frog logo, let me know.

Geek Bracket: FINAL FOUR RESULTS

2007-09-20T08:14:00.000-05:00

First, to address something.

"This Geek Bracket has quickly gone to the crapper. Nice voting guys...NOT!!"

This was left by an anonymous poster. I have to say that I have received almost as much responses to this post (which can be found in the last blog entry's comments section) as I have for any of the matches in the Geek Bracket. Including the responses listed, I also got emails questioning the intelligence of the poster, suggesting possible inbreeding as an explanation for the poster's views, and other things I'd rather not go into here. Regardless, I believe J-Wat summed up things nicely in her email to me:

"That anonymous post-er on the geek bracket is a little bitch."

So they are, J-Wat. So they are.

Also, to address another comment on the last Geek Bracket (left by John, who apparently can take time to bash my bracket, but can't take the time to send us any more of those wonderful scenarios we used to get from him), I thought I made it abundantly clear that Wyatt Earp IS Kurt Russell, and the rest of the gang from the movie "Tombstone." Yes, if, like James Bond, I would have said "It's whoever you want it to be," I could see your reasoning. But I think I've even mentioned before that it's Russell, plus Val Kilmer, Sam Elliott, and Bill Paxton. John, for someone with such a clear eye for detail in your past posts, I must admit, I'm disappointed in you for this one.

But enough bitching (or, technically, bitching about bitching). Let's see who makes it into the FINAL ROUND!

INDIANA JONES VS. DARTH MAUL

Let's face it. Indiana Jones has made it this far on the sheer power of his popularity, not because people actually think he'd win in a fight. I mean, Indy vs. Gandalf (not to mention the rest of the crew)? I LOVE Indy. But even against his first round opponent, Spider-Man, I would have knocked the old archaeologist out against the web-slinger.

Darth Maul, on the other hand, is pretty much a bad ass, and I believe has legitimately survived this far based on said bad-assery. Sure, he went out like a punk in Phantom Menace, and we all expected to be the big bad guy for the prequels (and, seriously, why didn't that happen?), but he was still bad ass.

So what wins out, Love or Bad-Assery?

Courtney said "Honestly, I don't think Indy stands at chance against Darth Maul. Sorry Indy, but I'm going with Darth Maul for the win."

There were a lot of people who voted who didn't leave lengthy comments, but simply added "Sorry, but it's Maul." Anna was one such person...

"As for the first battle? Maybe its my pessimism, or maybe its the fact that, yes, Matt, there really IS a trembling, overtly serious community of people that COULD answer the red skin/black tatt question and have reams of fanfic to back it up, or maybe its my overt use of
commas, but, I'm going with all powerful maul. This hurts me, indie, it really does..."

Anna sent me this. Also, Anna let me know she was sending this from her iPhone, which is a Geek Bracket battle for another day (What would win, my desire for an iPhone or the need to feed and shelter my family? So far, my family is winning, but just barely.).

Anna also mentioned that there was a community of people who could answer this question. Seriously? Well, yes, actually, and A Nonny Moose steps up to the plate to prove it.

"Remember the Arabian swordsman in Raiders? Maul goes into a hopping lightsaber spin, Indy gets one lucky shot...right between the horns...Indy for the win...

(and btw, the horns and markings are common among the Zabrak...the red and black are tattoos...)"

Darth Maul is a Zabrak. Don't tell me you never learned anything by reading this blog. Now, the next time you're trying to make conversation, just casually mention "By the way, remember Darth Maul in 'Phantom Menace?' He's a Zabrak. The horns and markings are common." Your assignment is to work that into casual conversation today with someone you don't know (like the cashier at the grocery store, or a co-worker you never really speak to). Report back with the results.

However, A Nonny Moose, while presenting both an excellent scenario for why Indy would win and what exactly it is that Indy is fighting, was one of the few people who let their love for the grizzled explorer shine through. Indy gets sliced, diced, and thoroughly bisected by the Zabrak, on whom the horns and markings are common. Winner: DARTH MAUL.

Wyatt Earp and His Immortals vs. Connor Macleod THE Immortal

Before we move on, we have to address the fact that there was recently another Highlander movie on the Sci-Fi channel. I got almost as many emails about this as I did people bitching about the one anonymous poster last week. I think Courtney reviewed it nicely by saying "Boy, was it the crappiest piece of crap that ever did crap. "

I saw it as well, and I believe Courtney is being kind.

Courtney also thought that "And while I think it would be a pretty even match up between Wyatt and Connor, I think that Connor's immortality gives him a little bit of an edge. My vote, Connor. "

Hmmm. Interesting.

A Nonny Moose said "This one pains me...but as i see it, Wyatt is getting damn tired of all this strangeness and just puts down the Highlander with one good shot to the heart. Connor wakes up later in a pine box under Boot Hill...Wyatt Earp wins by essentially incapacitating Connor..."

This is an interesting scenario, Moose, and while your knowledge of Zabrakian peoples is unquestioned, I must disagree with you on this point. Haven't your ever seen "Kill Bill part 2" where the Bride punches her way out of the coffin? And she's human, so she's fighting for her life. Connor is Immortal. He's got, essentially, forever to get himself out of there. All this does is delay the fight.

Anna (from her iPhone...grrr) added "H'oh boy. Well...I have to go with macCleod on this one. Its only logical...I mean...dude beheads people and feasts upon their power for his proverbial breakfast while the rest of us go to starbucks. While I have a soft spot in my heart for the guy that befriends a curmudgeonly yet faithful drunk with a nasty case of TB, something inside me tells me that's just not enough to lay the smackdown on scottlands most
lovable Immortal."

This one was close. Real close. By one vote. The winner, and advancing to the Final Round to face the aforementioned Zabrak, is none other than Wyatt Earp and his Immortals!

(The ones from the movie "Tombstone," John.)

FINAL ROUND

It's what you've been waiting for all summer. The last match. The last event before the TV season starts and the Slowly Boiling Frog Reviews start in full force. Send your votes to slowlyboilingfrog@gmail.com. Put some thought into it, and I'd love to see some great scenarios to help finish this off!

Here's the setup:

Tattoine. The dust is blowing through the streets of Mos Eisley. It's high noon. The twin suns are beating down on the streets. Jawas, Dewbacks, bounty hunters, and Powers Boothe all watch from the sidelines. On one end of the street is Darth Maul. On the other is Wyatt, Doc, Virgil, and Morgan. Their eyes narrow. Guns are drawn. Both ends of lightsabers are ignited. Only one will be standing when the dust settles?

Who wins the battle, and thus the illustrious title of Champion of the First Annual Slowly Boiling Frog Geek Bracket?

YOU decide!

The Geek Bracket: Final Four

2007-09-10T08:36:00.000-05:00

This is it, folks. The big dance. The one that lets us know which two will make it into the final fight. And I believe there are two hard, hard choices.

First up, it's the Official Battle of the Characters and Likenesses Created, Owned and Copyrighted by Lucasfilm, Inc. This battle will be presented in THX sound. 20 years after the battle, it will be digitally enhanced to make it "better."

One wears a dusty hat, carries a whip and a pistol, and hasn't shaved for a couple of days. He's hard a long, hard road getting here. He is the world's number one archaeologist. It's Indiana Jones.

The other is the best part of "The Phantom Menace." He's got red skin, covered in black tattoos (or does he have black skin, covered in red tattoos? Or do all people of his race look like that? Sadly, I'm sure there's an answer out there). He is the Sith Lord, armed with a double-edged lightsaber. Darth Maul.

We'll call this next match The Battle of the Immortals. It could theoretically take place without much stretching of the imagination. Connor Macleod is 400 years old, and every time they roll out a sequel, we find out about more places he's been (and the TV show was really good about suddenly creating bad guys and backstories for any Immortal at the drop of a hat). So who's to say that, at some point, Connor didn't mosey through Tombstone? And had a run-in with the law?

It's Connor Macleod the Immortal vs. Wyatt Earp and his Immortals. Who makes their final charge?

Here's the deal: I'm leaving voting open for the rest of this week only. Get your votes in by Sunday. Then, on Monday, you'll find the survivors...and the last two standing in the Geek Bracket. Send your votes to slowlyboilingfrog@gmail.com. These are some big matches, so I'm hoping for some good scenarios from everyone.

Geek Bracket: Quarter-Finals Rounds Three and Four Results

2007-09-10T07:47:00.000-05:00

ROUND THREE

Bond vs. the Highlander!

Let me just say, I'm really, really surprised how this one turned out.

Anna said "Well we ALL know 007 wins on pure sexual mojo. HE would never be involved in a may-december relationship in which he certainly isn't the December. ( I'm looking at you, McLeod.)"

Tackett added "James Bond, being a well-educated man would certainly have encountered an Immortal or two in his days. Since no movies have been made about those adventures...we'll have to assume it was a pretty one-sided battle. Given Bond's knowledge of the Scottish countryside (no doubt from many a trip there to find female companionship) I'll give him a double victory. First kill with 7.65mm Walther PPK. After a bit of a light show, McCloud gets back up...prompting Bond to charge McCloud...grabbing the first "weapon" he can find...a piece of loose wire (no doubt a piece he cut from the farmer's fence years ago to sneak in to see his lovely daughter) which he proceeds to charge at McCloud with. McCloud tries to take out Bond but fails. The wry spy slides in behind McCloud and throws the make-shift garrote around the Immortals neck. The wire begins to cut off McCloud's air supply and gouge into his neck. The Immortal swings his sword blindly and catches Bond across the back but its not a killing blow. Bond's adrenaline surges and with a wet pop, decapitates McCloud. Now to find that farmer's daughter..."

Funky, meanwhile, surprisingly disagreed, stating "Not much to discuss there. Unless Bond has a gadget capable of decapitation, it's really no contest. And besides, McCleod wears more comfortable shoes."

A Nonny Moose (which, I must admit, took me actually pronouncing out loud to understand) sent me this vote "*ahem* THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!"

Apparently, the Moose is right. Despite the past lovefests, and having a plethora of gadgets, cars and women at his disposal, it's just not the same as 400 years of experience. Winner of Round Three: Connor Macleod!

ROUND FOUR

I have the feeling that many, many people voted with their emotions, rather than with their rational, objective opinions.

Let's take one such example.

"Neo vs. Wyatt et al. A worst-case scenario would involve Neo killing or maiming one of Wyatt's brothers, but that would only serve to provoke Wyatt's righteous fury. Yes, Neo has automatic weapons at his disposal; however, we've already seen Wyatt wade through waist-deep water AND a hail of gunfire at the same time. It would never get that far though:

[Prior to the gun battle, Wyatt accidently bumps into Neo.]

Neo: Watch where you're going, dude!

Wyatt: Easy, kid, I'm sorry.

Neo: [brandishing his gun(s)] I ain't easy and I ain't your kid. You can take sorry and shove it up your ass.

[Wyatt quickly snatches Neo's gun and thumps him smartly on the head. Neo limps away and dies from shame.]

The end."

That was from Funky. Another similar scenario came from A Nonny Moose "As Neo shifts into slow-motion Matrix mode, Wyatt looks over at his brother, Virgil and says "What this hell is this?"

Just as the techno music is really starting to thump and Neo is bringing his twin automatic pistols to bear, a shotgun blast from behind splatters his brains from behind, revealing Doc Holiday, nasty, bloody handkerchief dabbing at his mouth. "Ah'm sorry," he rattles, "Ah didn't know we was coming to a dance."

And from Tackett "In the battle of the other Immortals versus Neo...lets just simplify things by saying that Neo is less likely to get nervy with Doc on the Street Howitzer. Neo and Wyatt face off, and have a weepy look competition (which is judged to be a draw) at which point Wyatt reminds Neo that since they are fighting, and since Wyatt is from the past, that means Neo isn't really Neo after all...he must be a time-traveler...and the only time traveler he can be is Ted "Theodore" Logan. While Neo is deep in thought, Doc "accidentally" lets both barrels go and cuts Neo in half. With his last breath he says "Bogusss......". Wyatt and Company advance again."

Anna added "And...hmm. I just see Wyatt Earp kicking the crap (Are we allowed to say living shit?) out of Neo before he can load the rifle learning module. "

Courtney noted "Wyatt Earp. The crazy eyes would take Neo down."

Just so you know, I believe that if I were to list every email I got, and put the relevant quotes in the proper order, I may have the entire script of "Tombstone." Neo got a couple, but not nearly enough. Winner of Round Four: Wyatt Earp and his Immortals!

The Geek Bracket: Quarter-Finals, Rounds One and Two Results

2007-08-24T08:19:00.000-05:00

(Finally.)

ROUND ONE

It's two ultimate killing machines; Darth Maul vs. the Terminator. Will Maul maul the Terminator, or will the Terminator terminate Maul?

Kevin offered this: "I have made great pains to conceal my bias, which although undeniably faultless in their observational errors, nevertheless bare mentioning as to not squander nor harass the reader’s efforts to comprehend, of his or her own volition, this incomprehensible jargon of baseless examination of aforementioned systems, both tyrannical, but in some cases, thoroughly, albeit republican, poles; although I already believe this to be readily apparent to any casual observer, democratic, Rebellion (of which Darth Nader would have conquered by narrowing the margin of the vote, har-har), or otherwise.Round 1: I would like to, if I may, offer a highly structured and detailed political analysis to determine the winner of this round. In it, I will extrapolate on each opponents system of government to determine, who and why said person (or robot) should conquer the other. This analysis will be, by necessity, long-winded and quite complicated, delineating many of the advantages and disadvantages of both systems of rule, which without in-depth analysis, cannot be concluded. Furthermore, I will belabor my points, of which there are numerous and exhaustive, to show without any degree on the spectrum of incredibility, that the aforementioned analysis will determine, ad nauseam, that I do indeed know how to beat the proverbial horse to death (or robot, har-har). Kiss-like makeup not included, I wish to also ensure that in said analysis, I do not divulge nor deny the inscrutable manner with which I have This supposition neither denies nor affirms, only attempts through vigorous and undetermined means, to enlighten what by this time should be readily apparent…"

Meanwhile, speaking of incomprehensible responses:

"The Terminator vs Maul would be a hard fought battle, but would end like this.

It would take darth Maul 4 Kachows to beat the T-1000.

It would take the T-1000 5 Kachows to beat Maul.

So Maul would win because he is the Kachowiest!!! "

That, of course, if from Steve, and the Kachow Scale. At least the Kachow Scale gets something of a clarification/explanation.

Courtney said "Darth Maul. Haven't we already determined that a light saber can cut through pretty much anything."

Tackett added "It pains me to vote this way but if Courtney can be big enough to do
it properly so can I. Maul"

The voters were heard loud and clear on this one (except for maybe Kevin). The Terminator is termaulnated! Yeah, I tried it. It sounded better in my head. Anyway, winner of the Quarter-Final Round One: Darth Maul!

ROUND TWO

Indiana Jones vs. Jack Bauer. Despite being old, Indy has had a lot of staying power so far. Can he keep it going? Or will CTU's unkillable agent finally retire the old relic?

Steve said "

The Battle between Jack and Indy would be one of the lobsided battles of all time.

Jack would be weaponless and PDA less, Indy cracks his whip at Jack. Jack catches the wip in his teeth and eats it down like jerky and breaks Indys neck with his pinky fingers. Well thats my thoughts, but as we know we need facts, so here they are!!

Jack=1.2 Kachows

Indy=7 Kachows

I think that shows some real truth. Hey how cool would it be to have a whip made out of Jerky anyway? I could be rich!!!"

Two things. One, I like how he refers to the Kachow Scale as "facts." Two, if you were rich, could you hire someone to teach you that "lobsided" isn't a word?

Kevin, who provided us with the long-winded response earlier, gave us this: "Indiana Jones. If you disagree you're a stupid-head."

Nice.

Courtney added "Jack Bauer, see all my previous reasons for why Jack Bauer. He kills things. That's what he does. Until he meets up with something else who purpose is simply to kill things (see Terminator) he will probably remain undefeated in my mind."

One anonymous voter said "As far as Indy vs. Bauer goes, all Indy has to do is lay low for a day and Bauer is gone..."

Interesting logic. Although, somehow, far more credible than the Kachow Scale.

This is a result that while I didn't see the outcome going this way, I am glad it happened. Winner of Round Two: Indiana Jones!

Geek Bracket Quarter-Finals, Rounds Three and Four:

ROUND THREE

This is one of those Geek Bracket match-ups that you couldn't plan. Walking into the underground parking garage is none other than the Immortal from the Highlands of Scotland, Connor Macleod! He's wearing his white sneakers and wielding his sword and he's ready to take the head of the next opponent. However...the man waiting for him is sporting a tux and a martini, and probably a watch full of weapons. But what makes this so interesting is if you picture Sean Connery as James Bond, then Connor is facing none other than his old mentor, Ramirez! The Space/Time Continuum screams in agony! Who takes the other one's head?

ROUND FOUR

He is the One, as in, the One who starred in Point Break, Constantine and countless other crappy movies. They are coming from Tombstone, and Hell is coming with them! "I'm gonna need guns," mutters Neo in his trademark monotone. Wyatt Earp, at this point, has reached that point in most Kurt Russell movies where he's had enough, and flashes those "crazy eyes." "NO!" he yells, raising his shotgun. "It's pronounced NE-OH," says Reeves, quickly switching into slow-motion Matrix mode.
It's another shoot-out, but who comes out alive?

Send your votes to slowlyboilingfrog@gmail.com.

HBO Can Still Go To Hell: John From Cincinnati

2007-08-13T00:21:00.000-05:00

If you have been reading this blog for a while, you may remember a 5 part series I did in June of last year entitled "Why HBO Can Go To Hell." Well, now that "John From Cincinnati" has finished it's ten episode run, I felt the need to revisit the topic.

"John" was a series created by David Milch. If you're unfamiliar with Milch, he's also the extraordinarily talented writer/producer of the amazing "Deadwood" series, which, of course, was canceled by HBO. Here's what I wrote back then, regarding the announced cancellation of "Deadwood":

"HBO and Milch were developing a new show, and due to budget restrictions, told Milch he had to pick between the two. He didn't choose 'Deadwood.'

This means we were going to receive a neutered run of "Deadwood." Build us up for three seasons, with the promised fourth season to be the natural end to the storyline, and then cut it short to go do something else. So HBO sounds like the bad guy here, right?

Not entirely. As pointed out above, they gave Milch a choice, and he chose his new show (a quirky, surfing drama. Sounds fascinating, right?). However, he says they gave him a chance to do a shorter, six episode season of 'Deadwood' and he refused, because that wouldn't do the show justice. Sticking to your principles is one thing, but the season is only 12/13 episodes long anyway. Surely you could wrap things up in that time, couldn't you?

Oh well, he's the creator, and he knows best. Plus, maybe he was just playing hardball with them to get a full run, and he lost. Gotta respect that, right?

Actually you don't. Because the happy (sarcasm here) news is that "Deadwood" returns next year...with two 2-hour movies to wrap things up! YES! Remember that show the creator said he couldn't do justice by wrapping it up in 6 hours? Now he's going to do it in 4 hours! So now Milch comes across as being both greedy and lazy.

Remember, this isn't TV. This is HBO. And both it and David Milch can go to Hell."

That's what I said then. Of course, that's before I got a chance to watch "John From Cincinnati." What did I think the experience? Well, for one, it was a new experience for me. After all, being straight, I've never had the opportunity nor inclination to watch a man masturbate before. Yet, I got ten fucking hour-long episodes of exactly that. David Milch masturbating over his purposely convoluted dialogue and seemingly meaningful, yet obscure, symbolism, and quirky characters. Plus, I paid for HBO, so, technically, I'm something of a...what? I'm not a whore, because I'm the one paying. I'm a customer, or, in slang terms, a john. GET IT?

Don't worry if you don't get it. Nobody got it. The show, that is. It was interesting to speculate about things for a while, and about halfway through the series a couple of extremely odd and interesting things happened that made you question everything. But in the end, it was all for nothing. There was no payoff, no resolution, no peek into what was really going on the whole time.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not someone who needs everything spelled out for me, and wrapped up with a nice, tidy bow at the end. I've been a dedicated "Lost" watcher for three years, for God's sake. But a show can't just be about how clever the writer is. The audience needs to have some sort of satisfaction, if not a complete resolution, to keep them engaged, and feel like they are spending their time on something worth watching.

At this point, you're probably asking "Well, if it was that bad, why keep watching?" To be fair, the show was never bad. Well, the kid that played Sean was pretty awful. But besides him, the acting was very high quality, the dialogue, while generally impenetrable to its actual meaning, was always well-written, and the story was...intriguing. If I had to explain to someone why I kept watching, I'd say because the show strikes me as some kind of odd hybrid of the characters from "Twin Peaks" and the themes (somewhat) of "Carnivale." Not a bad mix at all, especially considering its from the person who brought us "Deadwood."

In the end, it just wasn't meant to be. Despite a surprising promo ad last week promising "all answers will be revealed," nothing of the sort happened. I don't need everything explained; again, I'm a "Lost" fan. But it would be nice to know that someone besides the creator has an idea what the the Hell the last ten hours were about.

Rumor has it that the show will not be back for a second season. Normally, when I hear of a quirky, off-the-beaten-path kind of show being killed by a network, I get all riled up, thinking of past casualties in the War for Quality Programming. Shows like the aforementioned "Twin Peaks" and "Carnivale," plus others like "Firefly," "Futurama," and, the one that still hurts my heart the most, "Arrested Development."

However, I won't shed any tears for "John." If you missed it, don't worry; you didn't miss the Second Coming (despite where the plotline looked like it was going). In fact, all you missed was a self-indulgent writer watching as very talented actors spewed his beautiful, beautiful words out for ten full hours for his own amusement. It would be like if I wrote a play for my kids to perform for our family, then found someone to invest millions of dollar in producing it, distributing it, and advertising it, even though no one else would enjoy it but me and my wife.

Over the weekend, I was discussing the show with a couple of people, and gave them a brief synopsis. I told them that the way the show was headed, the ending was either going to be "magnificent" (in the literal meaning of the word; "making a splendid appearance or show; of exceptional beauty") or that it was going to end up being a big, huge steaming pile.

It wasn't magnificent.

This is why David Milch, along with everyone at HBO, can go to Hell.

P.S. To be fair, HBO is also running the exceptionally funny show "Flight of the Conchords." Despite being hilarious and featuring wonderful songs, I'm almost positive HBO won't bring this show back. However, you can help, by watching the show, and telling your friends to watch as well.

P.P.S. Vote on the Geek Bracket.

The Geek Bracket: Quarter-Finals, Rounds One and Two

2007-08-09T17:14:00.001-05:00

(First off, sorry for the delay, but my grandmother passed away recently, and everything else has been put on hold. But now, things are back to running at full-speed, so let's get back to the Bracket!)

ROUND ONE

The Jedi Temple is quiet. All around are dead bodies, namely 300 Spartans (from Spartaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!), as well as the undead/dead body of Count Dracula. Standing in the midst of the carnage is one lone Sith Lord... Darth Maul!
Walking with that determined gait of one programmed to kill, a huge man in a leather jacket strolls into the Temple. He's also toting a huge gun. After dispatching a T-100 wannabe and a big fish, he's still ready to kill some more. He is the Terminator!
This should be a good one. Guns and technology vs. the Force and...that flipping around stuff Maul does. Does Maul maul the Terminator or does the Terminator terminate Maul?

ROUND TWO

Jack Bauer may have had the most diverse match-ups this tournament. Thus far, he's beaten a Predator and Harry Potter. Not a bad resume. For that matter, Indiana Jones has faced (and beaten, obviously) Spider-Man and the Fellowship of the Ring. Hmmm. Let's give these two something to fight about, though.
Indy has an item. It's an item of great power/worth/historical value that many, many governments of the world would like to obtain. Including the U.S. In fact, obtaining it has been named a matter of national security. Jack Bauer has been assigned to retrieve it at all costs. Who comes out alive, Indy or Jack Bauer?

Take all weekend to vote. But these are the last few matches, so if you've got some ideas, we'd love to hear them. Email votes, comments, scenarios, etc. to slowlyboilingfrog@gmail.com. Have a good one!

The Geek Bracket: Quarter-Finals

2007-08-09T17:13:00.001-05:00

The Geek Bracket: Second Tier, Rounds Seven and Eight Results

2007-08-02T07:10:00.001-05:00

ROUND SEVEN

Neo vs. Optimus Prime. Both guilty of appearing in shitty, shitty movies (Neo in the third "Matrix" movie, Prime in the "Transformers" trainwreck currently clogging up theaters). Which one comes out alive?

From the beginning, we have a dispute. Kirk said "Most ridiculous comment of all time: Transformers is 'one of the worst movies I have ever seen in my life.' That movie was amazing. But while I do think that Optimus vs. Neo would be an amazing fight, I have Neo coming out on top. Especially since Optimus is a machine and Neo can control machines with his mind."
Good reasoning, Kirk, except for the whole disagreeing with me part.

Tackett added "Despite not seeing the new movie and thinking that Optimus Prime ought to be given the benefit of the doubt (i.e., we didn't punish Bond for Lazenby) I say Prime over the wooden wonder Neo." Hmmm. More good reasoning. But I need something more concrete than just good reasoning. Something that puts things into better, clearer perspective.

"Optimus Prime 4 Kachows

Neo 8 Kachows

Winner: Optimus"

That's from Steve, and the patented Kachow Scale.

Courtney added "I guess Neo. He seems to have an endless supply of ammunition. I don't really feel that I know enough about Optimus Prime to judge this match up, though."

In addition to these comments, we had several votes, with both contestants getting a lot of love. In fact, it resulted in a Geek Bracket first: a tie. Which means I had to break out my reserve tie-breaking rules. When initially conceived, we questioned what to do in case of a tie, and the thought was that I should make the deciding vote. However, I wanted to remain impartial, at least in terms of how the matches turned out. So instead, my wife isn't allowed to vote, except in case of a tie. Then she will cast the deciding vote. I know what you're thinking; hey Matt, isn't your wife just going to vote the way you want her to? To this, I reply, if you think that, you must not be married. So, my wife has cast the tie-breaking vote. And the winner of Round Seven is...Neo.

I hate my wife, by the way.

ROUND EIGHT

The A-Team vs. Wyatt Earp and company, in a shoot-out where only one side is used to hitting people. Who comes out alive? The A-Team has seen a whole lot of love come their way so far in the bracket; will it be enough against the Tombstone crew?

Tackett said "Could the A-Team fight themselves out of a paper bag? Probably not. How they are still around now is a total mystery to me. So lets just say four shots from any six shooter ought to take care of things. Yeah, even a drugged up, double vision Doc Holiday could get the job done in eight shots. Wyatt and Company (or just Wyatt, or Doc or even Virgil or Morgan) over the A-Team. Besides Wyatt was born in Monmouth (according to Wikipedia) so we gotta support the home team."

Kirk said "Since I never watched the A-Team, I'd have to go with Wyatt Earp on this one."

Courtney added "I really, really want to vote for the A-Team. But, I guess I'll vote for who I think would win and not who I like (Tackett will be so proud). Therefore, Wyatt Earp. " Tackett is proud.

Steve and the Kachow Scale weighed in: "Even though it hurts to say I think this is how it would go!

The A-Team: 5 Kachows

Wyatt: 3 Kachows

Winner: Wyatt"

The A-Team has seen a lot of love, and it's carried them pretty far. But, not far enough. In a hail of gunfire, they go down. Hard. Winner of Round Eight: Wyatt Earp and his "Immortals."

That wraps up the second tier. I'll be posting the updated bracket tomorrow, along with the semi-final matches to vote on over the weekend!

The Geek Bracket: Second Tier, Rounds Seven and Eight

2007-07-30T09:37:00.000-05:00

We're closing out the second tier of the bracket with two big matches. One is another technology-driven match, while the other is another (potential) shootout. Let's wrap up these two, and we'll be moving onto the semi-finals!

ROUND SEVEN

Fresh from trouncing a cylon, we have Neo. Sure, he can't act, but he does have pretty decent control over the Matrix. He flies and everything! In the other corner, fresh from starring in one of the worst movies I have ever seen in my life, is Optimus Prime! Chosen One vs. Transformer, who will win?

ROUND EIGHT

They're both used to lots of gunfire, but one side is at least used to hitting something! Wyatt Earp and company saunters up to this modern day O.K. Corral to meet their opponents...another rag-tag group of soldiers....the A-Team! Who makes it out alive?

Send your scenarios, emails, votes, etc. to slowlyboilingfrog@gmail.com. I'll post results Wendesday, so get them in as soon as you can!

Geek Bracket: Second Tier, Rounds Four, Five and Six Results

2007-07-27T09:17:00.000-05:00

It's a long one today, so wait for a break, grab a snack, sit back, and enjoy the carnage!

ROUND FOUR

Indiana Jones vs. The Fellowship of the Ring!

Right off the bat, Kevin said "If Indy can survive being killed by ze Germans, stop from having his face melted off by the ethereal avenging angels of the Ark of the Covenant, keep his still beating heart from being ripped out of his chest, and then still find time to procure the FREAKING Holy Grail (which another not-so-merry band of men failed miserably to do, even with the help of one of the most powerful wizards of all time (a.k.a. Merlin), then a few hobbits, a wannabe king, an uppity dwarf (or as Indy would call him, "Hairy Short Stuff") a gay wizard (not that there's anything wrong with that), and the prettiest elf ever (and no, I'm not referring to Liv Tyler), then Dr. Jones will find a way. I'm sticking with Indy"

Anna said "I don't think they'd even fight each other. (HEL-LOE? They're both
good guys.) But if this is just a hypothetical dick measuring contest, I'd go with the Motley Crew O' Nine. They've just got more of an amalgam of awesomeness." Just to address the "Hel-lo" comment...you realize these are all fictional characters anyway, right?

Steve, after presenting us with the word "Kachow" last time, brings us his scale:
"Ok since I have been called out about my kachow's, I have since formulated a "Kachow Scale"TM. which goes from 1-8

Here is how it works if it only takes the character 1 "kachow" then they are "BADASS"!

However if it takes 8 "kachow's" then they are pretty much a "Sad Sack"!

In the fight against Indy vs the Fellowship for some unknown reason I'm gonna go with Indy. Here is how they would rank on the "Kachow Scale"

Indy=4

Fellowship=5"

So...yeah.

John returned with his summary "Across a great distance, they've traveled. Battles great and small, they've endured. Thousands and thousands of viewers (or at least one), they've put to sleep. At long last their journey, their saga, their purpose has neared its end. There remains just one bridge left to cross, one lone, aging bridge, no different than many they've already crossed without incident.

Unfortunately for them, standing on that bridge is Indiana Jones.

"FELLOWSHIP!" Jones barks, raising a scavenged sword high above his dusty fedora. "Prepare to meet Tolkien...in HELL!"

With a single blow, Jones severs the twine railing and sends half of the Fellowship spiraling into the alligator-infested canyon below. A burp of Sarlac proportions echoes up from below as the remaining adventurers struggle to hang on to the falling bridge. It swings against a jagged cliff formation at the canyon's edge, knocking three more ring junkies off, leaving only Legolas and Jones. Jones has the high ground, but Legolas has his bow and arrows. He takes aim, poised to turn Jones' skull into an archeological novelty, but at the last second Indy snaps his bullwhip downward and knocks the instrument from Legolas' hands. The elf, about to fall, begs for help, thrusting an open hand towards Indy.

Indy considers it, his conscious getting the best of him, and starts to reach down to help Legolas, when a shrill voice cries out above, "Hey Dr. Jones, NO TIME FOR LOVE!"

Grudgingly, Indy retracts his hand and watches Legolas plummet. He climbs to the top of the ladder and dusts off his hat, then continues forward on his journey to find the artifact...and whatever other challengers may lie ahead."

This one was surprisingly unbalanced in the votes. It wasn't a shutout, but there was an overwhelming favorite. And that favorite, and winner of Round Four, is Indiana Jones!

(Seriously? Over Gandalf?)

ROUND FIVE

The Men in Black vs. James Bond. Gettin' Jiggy or Shaken, not Stirred?

Anna said "OH MAN. I'm gonna go with 007 on this one. He'd beat them in less
time than it takes the MiBs to quiet down their shit talking pug and
STILL have time to bone some extra terrestrial." Man, I forgot they had a talking pug in that second movie, didn't they? It's like when Slimer started working with the Ghostbusters.

Kevin offered this: "I used the Theory of Legs to determine the outcome of this match. Bond has survived, like what? A billion movies (and Timmy Dalton). M.I.B. have survived (barely, if you go by the lameness of the second "film", and I use that term loosely) two. Bond's franchise has better legs. Therefore, Bond wins! I didn't say it was a good theory, did I?" He's got legs, and apparently, knows how to use them.

Steve gave us this: "Bond would win due to the fact that the MIB fight aliens not people!

"Kachow's"

MIB=7.5

Bond=5"

I...don't...I don't understand the scale. I'm sorry, but I don't.

John said "It's a calm, breezy summer evening in Monte Carlo. On a rooftop veranda, a man in a tuxedo emerges from the shadows and glances at the glowing city.

"Naught a bahd view," he says, carefully clutching a drink. "But," he continues, turning to face a nude female lounging on a plush chaise -- a nude female with gold skin. "Naught ash good ash thish one."

The coppertone beauty purrs and starts to rise from her chair, but she's interrupted by a sudden laser blast from above.

Two tall, dark figures descend from a hovering aircraft and land on the veranda, each holding cartoonish plasma rifles stolen from a Rob Liefeld comic book panel.

Agent J cocks his weapon and aims it at the gold-skinned woman. "Diamonds are forever but gold is goin' down!"

He fires a green beam straight at the woman's head, but just in time, Bond yanks off his left cufflink and hurls it in front of the blast. It blocks the shot, distracting the Men in Black long enough for Bond to step in front of the woman.

"Gentlemen, I believe you have the wrong tahrrrget."

"Oh yeah? You ever seen a woman with gold skin who wasn't from another planet?"

"Actually," Bond respond with a grin, his hands slowly reaching for his bowtie,"I have."

Bond and the MIB spring into action simultaneously. J and K reach inside their pockets and pull out their memory eraser thingies, but before the blast of light can hit Bond, he pulls a cord at the center of his tie and deploys --

A gigantic mirror that reflects the memory-erasing flash back into the faces of J and K, rendering them feeble and prone. Bond seizes the moment, grabbing his companion and leaping aboard the MIB-mobile floating above. As the hotel explodes down below, Bond pilots the ship off into the night, in search of the nearest bed."

What I like is that John writes in the accent that makes it perfectly clear he's talking about Connery.

Everyone else is talking about Connery (or at least Bond), because it wasn't even close. Bond DESTROYS the Men in Black, whom I believed are still paying for their shitty, shitty second movie. Winner of Round Five: James Bond!

ROUND SIX

Captain Kirk (a man with no discernible powers or, for that matter, talent) vs. Connor Macleod (a man with, admittedly, no talent either, but he is immortal, and carries a sword).

Steve said "I think the "Kachow Scale" speaks for itself!

Highlander=8.2

Kirk=4.5"

Does it?

Anna disagreed with the Kachow Scale (who wouldn't?) "Oh, c'mon peeps. It's friggin Connor Macleod all the way. Kirk is too busy hawking inexpensive airfare and getting heinous facelifts. And doing avante garde poetry readings." While I generally agree with any anti-Kirk statements, your poetry remark has made me remember he has worked with Ben Folds on several occasions, and should get points there.

Tackett added "Highlander CRUSHES that pathetic Priceline spokesman"

Kevin said "In all things, forevermore: Kirk. I don't feel the need to justify that." Yes. Yes you do.

And finally, FINALLY, some common sense won out. Granted, it was close. But the winner of Round Six is the Highlander, Connor Macleod!

Have a good weekend everybody, and we'll start some new matches on Monday!

The Geek Bracket: Second Tier, Rounds Two and Three Results, plus More Matches!

2007-07-20T09:32:00.000-05:00

ROUND TWO

Two ultimate killing machines, one winner. Terminator vs. Jaws!

Anna voted for the T-100, saying "Do I even have to demean this match by saying Terminator kicks major aquatic mammalian ass? Even Jaws can't survive out of the water. And
the Terminator's titanium frame provides for difficult mangling." Are sharks mammals?

Kirk said flatly "Jaws has no chance against the Terminator. Terminator destroys Jaws."

Courtney's email played out much like "Sophie's Choice." She said "How do I pick between Jaws and the Terminator? I mean, Jaws is my boy, but the Terminator is badass. As much as it hurts my heart, I'm going to have to vote for the Terminator (I'm sorry Jaws)."

Tackett said "Terminator over the fish." I thought we established sharks were mammals.

Steve said "Jodi and I say the terminator blows Jaws to tiny bits!!!"

So guess what that means?

Shutout. T-1000 wins. Jaws gets no votes at all. Winner of Round Two: The Terminator!

ROUND THREE

I realize Pottermania is at a fever pitch right now, even though early reports of the book indicate that the last scene is of Harry, Ron and Hermione in a diner, where a man who might be a Death Eater walks in. Then the book abruptly ends. Might be something of a letdown for those who have been following the series for almost a decade. But I digress....

Jack Bauer vs. Harry Potter!

Anna said "Ok. I'm not invested in Harry Potter OR Jack Bauer so hopefully this will be an unbiased (if uneducated) assessment. From what I gather, Jack can blow stuff up and kill people with a dexterity surpassed solely by Chuck Norris. Harry can cast spells and fly around on broomsticks and--in his burgeoning adolescence--is experiencing deepening vocal chords and untimely erections. While I think Jack has age and experience on his side, his powers seem tied to mechanical things and guns and such. Couldn't Harry just strike him with an explosive diarrhea spell and render his ass-kicking futile by virtue of ass-related traumas?

I have to go with Harry on this one."

A very in-depth and rational response. Much like this one: "As for Potter and Bauer I think its obvious as to who would win here! Harry Potty doesn't stand a chance. Jack doesn't even need a gun he just breaks the Potty boys neck with one kachow!!! Anyone who doesn't think so is DUMB!!!!"

That was from Steve (it was also from Steve's wife, Jodi, but I'm attributing the quote to Steve because Jodi tends to tend write and speak more like someone who, well, knows how to write and speak). I do like that Steve indicates it will only take one "kachow" to break Potter's neck. From now on, I think all measurements should be given in "Kachows" during battles. For examples, it took Darth Maul 258 Kachows to defeat the 300. But again, I digress.

J-Wat said "Tough one. I'm going to have to go with Harry Potter because he can do magic (just like the song says). And I'm obsessed with Harry Potter right now." Just because you're obsessed with Potter doesn't mean you can't vote for Bauer.

Courtney said "While Harry is a good wizard, he's never killed anyone. That's all Jack does. Jack doesn't know how to get through the day without putting a bullet in someone."

Kirk added "Jack Bauer. Enough said."

And so it is. He may have the number one movie and book in the world right now, but it's not enough to keep him alive against CTU's number one agent (and then non-agent, and then agent, and then fugitive, agent, non-agent, fugitive). Winner of Round Three: Jack Bauer!

Now here's your weekend matches:

ROUND FOUR

They are a group of nine, traveling to the volcano of Mt. Doom, to destroy a priceless artifact at any cost. He's an archaeologist, whose sole duty is to preserve priceless artifacts at any cost. It's the Fellowship of the Ring vs. Indiana Jones! (If you'd like to pretend that Boromir is dead at this point of the journey, that's fine by me.)

ROUND FIVE

Three men, all dressed in black. Two are in suits, the other in a tux. One of the combatants gets into fantastic adventures, fights larger-than-life villains, uses crazy sci-fi gadgets, and gets in and out of unrealistic situations on a daily basis. The other combatants merely fight aliens. It's James Bond vs. the M.i.B.'s. Who wins?

(And since I'm going to be gone until Wednesday...)

ROUND SIX

He's traveled the cosmos, seduced many, many alien women and (apparently) is capable of taking down an Alien single-handedly. It's Captain Kirk! But his opponent is not to be taken lightly. After all, he starred in not only "Highlander," but also....hmm. Well, the "Highlander" sequels, obviously. What else? Lets check imdb.com. Oh yeah, "Mortal Kombat." And "Greystoke." Hey, that was him in that. And he was Tarzan in that! Yeah, I completely forgot. Also "Loaded Weapon." Huh. Anyway, he's the only man who can sword-fight in bright white tennis shoes and still look (marginally) cool, Connor Macleod!

I'm gone all weekend, and won't be back until Tuesday night. So that means you've got some time to think up some scenarios, situations, or at least just a meager vote, and send it to slowlyboilingfrog@gmail.com.

The Geek Bracket: Second Tier, Rounds Two and Three

2007-07-17T13:39:00.000-05:00

It's two rounds for the price of one! And they are bound to be close matches. All four of the contestants seem to have a pretty hardcore group of followers, but that doesn't necessarily translate into votes (see: Jack Sparrow). Without further ado...

ROUND TWO

Fresh off his shutout victory, The Terminator steps onto a boat, and heads out to sea. Waiting for him is Jaws, who is still burping up rum-flavored bits of Captain Jack Sparrow. Both the Terminator and Jaws are perfect killing machines (as is the Alien, for that matter, regardless of what you Kirk fans seemed to think). So the question is...who is more perfect? Only one steps...or swims...away from this alive. Who will it be?

ROUND THREE

I'm not sure how to even describe this next battle. One is the Boy Who Lived, the other is the CTU Agent Who Died...Twice. Harry Potter seems to have an upper hand, as he's coming off of a fantastic opening weekend and Pottermania is running wild for the upcoming release of his final book. However, despite the last season of "24," let's not forget how much ass Jack "Get Me A Hacksaw" Bauer is capable of kicking.
Wizard and Warrior, who comes out alive?

Send your emails, votes, complaints, scenarios, and commentary to slowlyboilingfrog@gmail.com

The Geek Bracket: Second Tier, Round One; A Rebuttal

2007-07-17T00:17:00.002-05:00

I got this in my email from Julie, which I present simply as a...rebuttal? Here it is, in its entirety:

Hi Matt...I'm surfacing from my occasional lurking to make a very post-script comment, which you may feel free to ignore completely. I know your brackets are based on the characters and not the actors who have portrayed them, but I wanted to make what I think is a very interesting point. See, Gerard Butler plays King Leonidas in 300, who, as we all know, kicks some spectacular ass while remaining spectacular LOOKING the entire time. (Courtney would be laughing at me right now, by the way.) You may not know that Gerard Butler ALSO played Dracula in the 2000 version of the movie, in which he tended to kick SOME ass and then get bested by a chick who was supposed to be his soulmate, or something. By the way, before the chick helped out, the vampire slayer guy in the movie was totally going to be undead. So I'm OK with Dracula beating a vampire slayer. But I personally have issues thinking about Gerry Butler as Dracula moving farther along in the bracket than Gerry Butler as Leonidas. Darth Maul over Dracula is a fair win. But I kind of believe the 300 would have taken care of Darth Maul in about 2 minutes, and then Leonidas would have eaten an apple over his body. I would have given my bootleg 300 DVD and 300 poster to see 300 Gerry go against D2K Gerry. And 300 Gerry would wooden-stake/spear the hell (and I mean that somewhat literally) out of D2K Gerry. I guess what I'm saying is, the 300 got a raw deal here. Because the Terminator will undoubtedly blow up Jaws, and the 300 would have been great against the Terminator. Did you know that Gerry Butler is lined up to play Snake Plissken in a remake of Escape from New York? That would have been a bad-ass addition to the bracket. Or...maybe I should make my own super-geeky Gerard Butler bracket and go away quietly. OK, thanks...

A few points I'd like to make in response to this:

1. I'm not sure how Snake Plissken didn't make it onto the bracket, but rest assured, he will be on there next time.

2. A remake of "Escape From New York" is a very, very, very bad idea, regardless of who's starring.

3. If you have a bootleg DVD of "The 300," why don't I have a bootleg DVD of "The 300?" Hint hint.

4. Second Tier, Round Two will be up this (Tuesday) afternoon.

Geek Bracket: Second Tier, Round One Results

2007-07-15T22:40:00.000-05:00

(Sorry for the HUGE delay, we've had technical difficulties.)

It's ON! Drac and Maul? Who steps out of the castle alive?

Steve once again brings out the indisputable logic: "Darth Maul wins with a quick force push and a throw of his lightsaber the fight would be over. Anyone that disagrees with this is dumb!"

Uh oh. Looks like Steve is calling some people "dumb." Like Tackett. "Dracula over Maul. What is a Sith Lord anyway? Well, minus the blood drinking and aversion to religion/sun, he's little more than a vampire. And who is the King of the Vampires...last I checked it was Dracula and not Maul, Vader, Palpatine, or even Lucas. So chalk one up to Vlad."

Your reasoning is...interesting.

Chad voted Drac, saying "The gist of my reasoning was that Dracula would cause
Maul to be hit by lightning and the wind would blow the lightsaber out of Maul's hands and back at him and slice him in half."

Does Dracula do that?

Back in the Maul camp, we have Kirk. "If Darth Maul can beat 300 Spartans, he can kill one Dracula. Darth Maul beheads Dracula with one swing of his lightsaber."

See, that's good reasoning.

Anna brings things all into perspective. "k, clearly i wasn't paying attention when count dracula bested the 300. i mean, if their sheer hotness and brawn wasn't enough, why don't
they just wait til daylight and smoke the bastard?

but that's neither here nor there. maybe it's because i mentally say
"count chocula" whenever i hear count dracula, but i think he's kind
of a pussy. maul clearly would dominate with some force-related mojo.
is this even a contest??

dracula would be all, "i'm rising from my coffin and i shall bite your neck!"

and maul would be all "i have more power in my left toenail from the
force of the dark galaxies than you do in your entire body, noob."

and then dracula gets stabbed in the heart with not only silver or
whatever the fuck kills vampires, but *also* learns that he is darth
maul's illegitimate son from a booze-fuelled one night stand in a
shady pub on tatouine."

Punctuation, capitalization and sentence structure aside, I agree with everything you said Anna. So did the majority (by one) of the voters, because with a quick swish/swish/slash, it's all over. Winner of Second Tier, Round One: Darth Maul!

Geek Bracket: Second Tier, Round One

2007-07-10T08:19:00.000-05:00

If you had to picture the face of evil, what would it be? A centuries-old, fanged creature, king of the undead? Or a black and red, horned humanoid, fueled by rage and hate?

In a dark, deserted castle (at Midnight!((on Halloween!!)) ), Count Dracula, fresh from his win over the Official Vampire Slayer, stands waiting. Suddenly, the double doors fly open. Standing there, fresh from his homoerotic win over the 300 is Darth Maul. Dracula bares his fangs. Maul ignites his double saber. Only one will come out alive?

Who wins?

Send your votes to slowlyboilingfrog@gmail.com. Feel free to include commentary, discussion, scenarios, etc. Results will be posted TOMORROW!

The Geek Bracket: Second Tier

2007-07-10T08:17:00.001-05:00

The Geek Bracket: Round Sixteen

2007-07-09T12:49:00.000-05:00

Final Round of the First Tier of the Geek Bracket! Of all the matches, this one should be the bloodiest. It's a bunch of guys who enjoy shooting other people. The question was, who made it out alive? The Reservoir Dogs, or Wyatt Earp and his men?

Steve leads off the intelligent discourse with "The gang from Tombstone would win; everybody knows it and those who don't are just plain dumb!!!"

Allrighty then.

Toby was a bit more eloquent. "First I really liked Resevoir Dogs, I think mostly because none of the bastards could get along, which is the reason why Wyatt Earp takes this one. How can you vote for a group who includes a lunatic, a sickly pussy (Steve Buscemi) and some old guys. Not to mention being led by Chris Penn (RIP). Even if they would get lucky and kill everyone else, nobody touches Wyatt Earp, that is unless your a slutty actress needing a little dusty lovin. See you in the next round Mr. Earp."

Chad H. also mentioned the fact that the Dogs don't seem to work together well. " Wyatt Earp and his Immortals cut down the Reservoir Dogs while they are arguing amongst themselves."

Courtney threw her vote in for Wyatt as well. "After much thought, I think I'm going to have to go with the Tombstone boys. Reason - you can only push Kurt Russell so far before he goes all 'Kurt Russell' crazy on you. I think the Reservoir Dogs would hold their own until that point, but after that, all bets are off."

Kevin added "Wyatt Earp(s) and Doc Holiday. I can't picture a situation that Mr. Pink and co. fates wouldn't play out in some highly contrived tragedy (Don't get me wrong, though. The movie kicked as much ass as it did for making people appreciate having two ears, but there's no way that ragtag bunch of losers and psychopaths could take on the Earps. So...BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! (the last "BLAM" is for when Mr. White shoots Mr. Orange. All the others were Doc Holiday's). Wyatt just stood on the sidelines, letting Doc steal the show(s)."

Tackett voted for Earp as well, even though it apparently physically pained him to do it. "Wyatt Earp and his immortals win by one bullet."

Speaking of one bullet, the dogs got only one vote. One, lone, solitary, single vote. Which means they go down in a hail of gunfire, except for Mr. Brown. Doc simply turns to him at the end and says "Oh, Mr. Brown. I'd forgotten you were there. You may go." Winner of Round Sixteen: Wyatt Earp and his "Immortals!"

We've come to the end of the first tier. First thing tomorrow morning, I'll post the updated bracket and the next round. The voting has slacked off a little lately, and this is where it's going to start getting important (after all, doesn't EVERYONE want to see who's going to win the Jack Bauer/Harry Potter match?). So email everyone you know, send the link, and watch for tomorrow as we start the next tier of the GEEK BRACKET!

Geek Bracket: Round Fifteen Results

2007-07-05T12:00:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, I just don't know what to think of you people.

A-Team vs. the Man With No Name. Who comes out alive? Here's what you thought:

Tackett said "Man with no Name (the A-team cannot shoot straight, the man with no name cannot miss)."

I didn't think they couldn't shoot straight, I just thought they never hit anybody.

Kevin agreed, saying "The sound of the endless chatter of gunfire ricocheting harmlessly in the dirt. Magazines are empty. The Man With No Name stands alone, the wind at his back, untouched.

[In Dirty Harry Voice] I know what you're thinking A-Team. You're thinking, 'Did we fire five-hundred times or six?' Well, I've got a question for ya... Do ya feel lucky? Well, do ya, PUNKS?"

The Man with No Name fires his only bullet and kills the entire A-team in one fell swoop. Four birds with one stone. Then, he takes the girl home with him. [Theme music kicks in] Wahdda-wahdda-wah... Wah-wah-wah... Wahdda-wahdda-wah... Wah-wah-WAH!"

Agreed.

Speaking of agreeing, Chad H. said "My 1st instinct was to vote for the A-Team considering they can turn a dishwasher into an a tank. But while they were doing that, The Man would be putting bullets in their heads. Ends with The Man shooting Hannibal, pulling the cigar out of his mouth and lighting it up himself."

Toby added "How can this even be a battle. The A-Team's 80's antics will definately fall to Mr. Eastwood here. BA is far past his prime even at this point so all the muscle in the group is gone, we all know how great of a shot these guys are (see every episode for the barrage of gunfire resulting in no casualties, except for the occasional guy falling off a roof who just lays there knocked out) and don't even get me started on face. Tell Hannibal to light up a fatty cause it's his time to hang. The Man moves on."

All of this sounds very plausible to me. However, here's the contrary position:

Courtney said "The A-Team, because who doesn't love it when a plan comes together?"

Sound reasoning.

Steve added a more reasonable scenario "The A-Team would totally win without the use of any old water heaters or CO2 cylinders. They would win just with their awesomeness!!!"

Of course.

John (finally!) returns with his scenario, which at least elaborates on how the A-Team could possibly pull this out.

"Sleepy little town, ain't it?" says Hannibal, chewing on an unlit cigar as he surveys the dusty town square before him. The place is so barren and lifeless even the tumbleweeds have retired to better places. Hannibal and his three companions step out of their van and gaze suspiciously at the western setting surrounding them.

B.A. barks, "I don't like it. It's too quiet."

At that, the sound of a lone harmonica echoes throughout the breezy plaza.

"Murdoch, shut your crazy, noise-makin' mouth, foo!" B.A. hisses at his wiley companion.

"That wasn't Murdoch," Hannibal responds, striking a match. He brings the flame up to the tip of his cigar -- and it goes out. The members of the A-Team eye each other. Hannibal lights another match and brings it to his cigar. Again, a sudden, silent gust of wind blows it out. Hannibal smiles. "I didn't hear anything in the weather forecast about isolated winds."

At that moment, another match is struck, a loud, pulsing match, accompanied by another musical cue. The A-Team turns to the swinging doors of a nearby saloon, and, standing outside, lighting a cigarette, a tall, lone man in a cowboy hat.

Hannibal stiffens. "Boys, I think the mayor's come out to greet us."

"I ain't the welcoming committee," grunts the stranger. He raises his head, revealing his squinted eyes for the first time. "I'm the farewell ambassador." In an instant his six-shooter is out, and a bullet takes the baseball cap off of Murdoch's head. The A-Team dives behind the van as more gunshots erupt.

A shot hits the fuel tank and the van explodes, sending a billowing ball of fire into the western sky. The A-Team is hurled through the air and lands with a heavy crunch, all of its members rendered unconscious. All but one.

"You crazy foo!" B.A. charges at the Man With No Name, who takes aim with the last bullet remaining in his pistol. His fires perfectly, the bullet launched straight at the bulging chest running towards him. It makes contact at a deadly velocity and --

--ricochets off of the 340 pounds of gold hanging around B.A.'s neck! The high planes drifter is stunned and unprepared for what approaches, left defenseless as B.A. plows into him and knocks him ten feet in the air and then crashing down to the dirty ground, defeated.

B.A. kicks his lifeless body. "Foo."

"CUT!" yells a voice from the periphery. "CUT! That was terrible!"

B.A. turns to see a scrawny punk in a flowery shirt and baseball cap marching across the deserted town towards him. "Wrong, wrong, wrong!" He shouts. As he gets closer, B.A. sees that he has a megaphone with the name "Michael Bay" written across it. "That was abysmal! Where were all of the explosions?!? We need EXPLOSIONS! We need more camera angles! More music! More! More! More! And what's with all of the guys here -- where are the breasts?! We need breasts!! Somebody go get Lindsay Lohan off Stage 28 and get her over here NOW! WHERE ARE MY EXPLOSIONS?!?!?!"

Suddenly, the ground beneath Bay is ablaze and he blasts apart into forty bloody pieces.

B.A. inspects the ground and finds the traces of a dynamite fuse. He follows its trail back to the edge of the street, where, standing beside the detonator, is the fully resuscitated A-Team, smiling.

Hannibal finally lights his cigar. "I love it when a plan comes together."

Apparently, so does everyone else. Winner of Round Fifteen: The A-Team!

Round Fourteen Results

2007-07-03T07:36:00.000-05:00

We've jacked into the Matrix, with Keanu Reeves sporting his typical wooden expression, and a "Battlestar Galactica" robot somehow able to emote more expressively, despite having no eyes, mouth, or nose. However, this isn't an acting contest (or I wouldn't even have a vote). This is a death match. Who wins?

Toby said "Even with Neo's undeveloped powers if this battle takes place in the Matrix, the Cylon has no chance. That is unless he can strap a bomb to Neo that is set to go off if Neo exceeds 3 head nods, a scowel and a few Whoa's. In that case it's a different story, but barring that my vote goes to "The One" to advance to the next round where I hope he get's destroyed in an epic "Totally Excellent" way."

Steve countered that, saying "The Cylon would kick Neo's butt in about 2.5 seconds before he could even get out a 'Whoa'."

Would this one be close?

Courtney also voted Cylon, noting "They're just more badass than Neo."

Chad H. said "Neo vs. a cylon? Neo would kick that toaster's ass."

Kevin added "A cylon!?! Versus Neo from the first Matrix?!? Umm...What the fuck kind of match up is that? Picture me rapping on your forehead with my knuckles. "Hello? Helllooooooo? Anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me." Now, there's geek worship of iconic science fiction and/or fantasy heroes (and villians), and regardless of personal tastes, I can respect that. Like Jon Pertwee over Tom Baker as Dr. Who? Fine. Like Star Wars: Episode Six better than Episode Five? More power to your Ewok-lovin' heart. Think that Captain Picard could beat Captain Kirk in a starship battle Neutral Zone cage match? Whatever you say. I won't agree with you, but like I said, at least I can respect your opinion. This is beyond being a loyal little geek, though. This is being a LAME loyal little geek. You call this a matchup? It's a semi-scary robot/cyborg kinda thing (done to death, by the way) vs. a virtual god with a surfer dude accent, for Christ's sake. If you support the cylon, regardless of your opinion of Mr. Keanu "Whoa" Reeves, then there may be something mentally, emotionally, and/or genetically wrong with you. I, of course, mean that in the kindest possible way."

Kevin tends to take these things very seriously.

And this time, the most vocal of the voters are in the majority; It wasn't even really that close, either. Neo renders the Cylon back to its respective 1's and 0's, and then flies off. Winner of Round Fourteen: Neo!

Geek Bracket: Rounds Fourteen, Fifteen and Sixteen

2007-06-26T14:06:00.000-05:00

This is it! We're going to wrap up the first tier of the Geek Bracket! We've got three big matches, so we'll let the voting go on the rest of the week.

ROUND FOURTEEN

With a "Whoa!" he jacks into the Matrix. Capable of dodging bullets, kung-fu fighting, and out-acting even the most talented slabs of concrete...he is Neo!
However, something else has jacked into the Matrix as well. Something programmed to wipe out humans. Since it has a flashing red light for its eyes, it is slightly better at emoting than Neo. It's a Cylon, and it's out for blood.
(A few notes on this fight. For starters, this is non-human looking Cylon, the kind referred to as "toasters" on the show. For that matter, they are from the modern incarnation of "Battlestar Galactica," not the original. They have machine guns on their hands, as well as rocket launchers.
Also, both combatants are logged into the Matrix, so Neo has full use of his powers. However, this is Neo from the end of the first movie, not from the other two movies. Why? Two reasons. One, because he becomes sort of all-powerful in those. Two, because those sequels suck. Seriously. If you enjoyed the "Matrix" sequels, do yourself a favor and rent "Dark City," then get back to me.)

ROUND FIFTEEN

If you're in trouble...and if you can find them...then maybe you can hire...wait, if you can find them you can hire them? Why didn't the U.S. Government just have someone pose as a citizen in distress, hire them, and then capture/kill them when they showed up? Ah, it was the 80's, that's why. Anyway, it's...the A-Team! It's the full roster, too: Hannibal! Face! Murdock! B.A.! The Girl!
Facing off against them is a man in a dusty hat and sarape. In the distance, you can hear the faint "wah wah WAH!" of his theme music. He's smoking a cigar, and squinting. This ISN'T the man who directed "The Bridges of Madison County" (for Christ's sake); this is the High Plains Drifter, the Good, Bad AND Ugly...he is...The Man With No Name.
So what happens? Does The Man get to hang 'em high? Or does the A-Team get a plan to come together?

ROUND SIXTEEN

In the last match-up of the first round of fights, we hear "Little Green Bag" by the George Baker Selection playing. Gathered together we find Mr. White, Mr. Orange, Mr. Brown, Mr. Blonde, Mr. Blue and Mr. Pink, gathered together, for one more job. They're all armed to the teeth, and they're going to need it.
Facing off against them is Wyatt Earp. This is more than just the historical Wyatt Earp; this is the Kurt "Crazy Eyed" Russell version of Wyatt Earp. This includes Morgan "Bill Paxton" Earp, Virgil "Sam Elliott" Earp, and Doc "Val 'No Talent' Kilmer" Holiday. That seems a little uneven, so let's add that one guy who joins them later (Michael Rooker?). There.
So, nothing clever about this one; it's all-out shoot 'em up. Guns blazing, only one side is going to make it out alive? Which side wins?

You've got all week to send your votes to slowlyboilingfrog@gmail.com.

Geek Bracket: Rounds Twelve and Thirteen Results

2007-06-25T09:55:00.000-05:00

Ouch.

That's all I can say about these matches.

ROUND TWELVE

Rodrigo gave us this response: " Oi, achei teu blog pelo google tá bem interessante gostei desse post. Quando der dá uma passada pelo meu blog, é sobre camisetas personalizadas, mostra passo a passo como criar uma bem maneira. Até mais."

Oh, wait, that's spam. I think. Never mind.

Elizabeth voted for Connor Macleod. Why? "I have to go with Connor Macleod. I can't vote for someone that wears dirty overalls."

Good reasoning.

Chad H. voted, by saying "I hate to do this because it's going to make your cousins giddy, but Mike Myers has had his head chopped off once already. There can be only one. Gotta go with Conner." True enough, as I'm sure both Courtney S. and Chad S. are giddy over the vote (Chad less so, and he is inexplicably a bigger fan of the TV show than the original movie).

Kevin said "I'll make this quick. If I was to only go by the first movies, then there can only be one... Conner Macleod. At least until the powers-that-be make shittier and shittier piles of sequels. Maybe Michael and Macleod can take turns?"

All in all, Michael Myers got only two votes (and one was from Steve, who voted against Macleod, rather than for Myers, crediting the "gayness" of the entire "Highlander" series.). I'm really surprised the horror fans didn't step up here. Winner of Round Twelve...The Highlander, Connor Macleod!

Onto the match that I thought would really divide the 80's nostalgia fans...Kitt and Michael Knight vs. Optimus Prime. Was it a contest?

ROUND THIRTEEN

Kevin continued in his email "This one's even quicker. Are you freaking kidding me? Optimus Prime. He would turn Kitt into a reinforced titanium alloy steel taco with Hasslehoff as the ground beef (and his hair the cheese)."

Technically, Kevin, the entire "Knight Rider" series could serve as the cheese.

Chad H. added "Let's see a car with a flashing red light, the doctor from St. Elsewhere's voice, and a guy who talks into his watch versus a semi truck that changes into a giant robot. Optimus wins on superior theme music alone."

Agreed.

Elizabeth said "My husband will divorce me if I don't vote for Optimus Prime, so O.P. gets my vote." You should vote for Optimus Prime anyway! Speaking of loved ones and Transformers, I would like, for the record, to state that I was telling people I would name my son "Optimus Prime" a full TWO YEARS before Dane Cook was using that joke. Not that Dane Cook stealing jokes is anything new.

Karen said "Optimus Prime because I think I bought one of the action figures for my son when he was ten - he's now 22 and it's in a box somewhere in the garage and needs to be set free."

Karen followed this posting up by pointing out that Optimus Prime was the one in a box in the garage, not her son. We weren't questioning you, Karen. Guilty conscience?

Anyway, of everyone who voted, Steve was (again) the lone dissenter, saying "The battle between Optimus Prims and Michael Knight and Kitt is hard fought, but in the end, the two are actually dead. Michael would not survive and Optimus Prime would fall. Kitt would be the sole survivor."

So...vote for KITT? Because it was the only one. Leading the war against the Decepticons and having to star in a shitty Michael Bay movie has toughened up the Autobot leader. Winner of Round Thirteen: Optimus Prime!

Check back tomorrow for more match-ups, as we get ready to close out the first round battles of the Geek Bracket!

The Geek Bracket: Rounds Twelve and Thirteen

2007-06-22T06:15:00.000-05:00

It's another weekend of big matches. This time, it's a battle of two seemingly immortal characters, and the classic battle of man vs. machine!

ROUND TWELVE

The disquieting strands of John Carpenter's minimalist theme come wafting through the dark, October night...it's a night when most kids are out collecting candy, dressed in costumes...but it's also the night...HE came home! Michael Meyers, wearing his traditional dirty overalls and a mask based on the face of last round's winner, strolls down the street, carrying a bloody butcher knife. He is the boogeyman, and how do you kill the boogeyman? Apparently, you don't. Meyers is seemingly immortal. Speaking of...
Crashing over the sparse, creepy piano score comes a more bombastic, in-your-face, rock-anthem-like soundtrack...it's Queen! Claiming to be the Princes of the Universe! This music, of course, accompanies a man from hailing from Scotland...carrying a sword...he is the Highlander...Connor Macleod (of the clan Macleod)!
Both combatants are seemingly immortal...so who FINALLY puts the other in their grave?

ROUND THIRTEEN

Barreling down the highway is Michael Knight, driving KITT. KITT is doing all he can not to drive himself into a ravine, as Michael is listening to the latest David Hasselhoff CD. But, besides that, all seems right with the world.
Suddenly, KITT picks up something on the radar.
"Michael, there's another vehicle coming up on us rather quickly!"
"Is it KARR?" Michael asks.
"No," KITT responds. "It's a large, armored truck."
"Is it Goliath?" Michael asks, finally turning down the music to a reasonable level.
"No," KITT says, in that calm, soothing tone. "It seems to be a truck...but then, there's...more...than meets the eye!"
The truck pulls up next to the duo, who immediately pull over to survey the situation. The truck pulls over, but no driver exits. Instead, the truck turns out to be...a robot in disguise! Making its signature transforming "sound," the truck unfolds into Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots.
Who wins?
(For the record, this is the awesome, original Optimus Prime, not this new, crappy pretender sporting flames and running around in a Michael Bay movie.)

You've got all weekend. Email me at slowlyboilingfrog@gmail.com.

Geek Bracket: Round Eleven Results

2007-06-21T06:15:00.000-05:00

I love it when a match comes down to one vote, and it happened again. An Alien vs. Captain Kirk...who makes it out alive?

First of all, I've been trying to post everyone's responses, but I think you should know that on this one, that won't be the case. Why? Because I don't feel typing out "Khaaaaaaaaaaaaan!" over and over again. Seriously.

I will be presenting the other comments, however. Starting with this one:

"Captain Kirk, hands down. And if for some unknown reason the alien did kill him, Capt Kirk's hoardes of Trekkie fans would search the galaxy and tear that alien apart with their bare hands. Either way, Captain Kirk is triumphant."

That vote came from Elizabeth. Then there was this vote:

"An alien; Kirk is a has-been priceline sellout."

That vote was from Cara. Why single those two votes to begin with? Because Cara's vote also came with this note: "Elizabeth is very upset with all of my votes but I can kick her ass so it's ok. Oh yeah, and can we be on the next geek bracket?"

Wow. My geek fights have caused...geek fights! Let's get them on the next bracket. Who's got YOUR vote?

Anyway. Moving on.

Karen posted this: "Capn' Kirk cause if Ripley can kick that ugly mother-f'ing alien's butt, than so can James. My vote is for humanity!!!"

Personally, I think Ripley could kick Kirk's ass up and down the Enterprise. But I'm not voting.

Kirk agreed with me. He said "Unfortunately the batteries died on Kirk's red flashlight weapon. The Alien kills him right after his shirt gets ripped off."

Steve said "Kirk kills the Alien, but dies himself from his wounds." Steve has obviously created a plausible scenario, as this would allow Kirk to have time for a dramatic soliloquy.

Tackett countered with "If you voted for Kirk, you are the loser. Come on, James T. Kirk? T. J. Hooker? Priceline??? Versus cold, unstopping killing machine? Yeah, its got to be the Alien..."

Harsh words. Harsh words which Kevin countered:

Captain James "Tiberius" Kirk swaggers through the corridors of the Starship Enterprise NCC-1701-A, wielding a phaser in front of him like a switchblade. Then, something slowly emerges from the shadows ahead. It hisses, dripping and glistening with Alien slime and ichor; needle-sharp teeth snapping; claws like razors scraping the corridor wall and shredding the steel into metal curlicues. Kirk sees it, and perhaps because he's suddenly feeling inadequate, or merely protective, says (in as dramatic Shatner-esque voice as possible) "Get ...away ...from ...her [meaning the Enterprise]... you... BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!" He blasts it, disinigrating the Alien in a red flash of bad special effects. Kirk returns to his quarters.

"Captain's Log. Stardate: 60251.1. If only it had been a queen," he muses into his ship's starlog. "Maybe some of that good-old-fashioned Kirk 'diplomacy' would've worked."

Usually, I don't like to show my bias, but I thought I should add...COME ON! That's my response to the winner of this round. However, I won't allow my control over this event to affect what the voters want (I'm not a Republican). So, with a heavy heart, I must award ROUND ELEVEN to: Captain James T. Kirk!

Sigh.

Tomorrow: We'll post another round of match-ups for the weekend.

P.S. Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!

Geek Bracket: Round Ten Results

2007-06-20T06:02:00.000-05:00

I love it when it gets down to the wire. As has happened in the past, the voting came down to one vote. Just. One. Vote. YOUR vote. It's the GBs vs. the MiBs. Who gets busted?

Steen said "This is a tough call for me. With the Ghostbusters you have an almost Village People-like mix of genius and brawn; daunting for any creature of Stay-Puft origin, let alone us mere mortals. And they've got unlicensed nuclear accelerators on their backs. Bold move. On the other hand you have a ghetto street cop and the wise old man loaded with the most amazing and exotic instruments of death our government has ever created or confiscated. Sadly for our geeky ghost-busting friends, the Men in Black have the infinitely more hardass vehicle and would have beaten them to the scene, mopped up the paranormal, and would be waiting in a badass pose. They'd tear the Ghostbusters atom from atom before they could even strap on their packs (which seems to take an excessive amount of time, anyway). Men in Black - 1. Ghostbusters - well...antimatter?"

John comes out of his editorial hiatus to provide us with this commentary: "There's no Dana, here," roars Agent J, "only the M-I-B, beyotch." With that, and some exaggerated head-pivoting, he fires his laser plasma thingy in the general direction of the Ghostbusters, blasting Raymond Stantz across the room.

The other Ghostbusters, recognizing Stantz' relatively lack of significance to the franchise, take little notice and respond not with words but with proton beams -- three of them -- all pointed at J. They're only able to hold him for a second, though, because Agent K disrupts the beams with a blast from his own laser.

"Gentleman," K says, "What we've got here is a failure to communicate." He cocks his laser for another shot, but with J still recovering from his proton lobotomy, it's three on one, and the Ghostbusters clearly dominate, ensaring K in their beams and dragging him toward one of those ghost trap/jewelry box things. K slides smoothly into the box feet-first, but the Ghostbusters can't quite seal him up due to his enormous head.

J recovers his weapon and fires twice, taking out both Winston and Egon, leaving only the venerable Peter Venkman at the helm of a proton beam. He tries to pull double duty, lassoing J, then moving back to K, but his beam cannot silence the oppressive onslaught of annoying, testosterone-seething one-liners coming out of J's mouth. "This is what I call a close encounter, beyotch!" shouts J, closing in on Venkman. The would-be catchphrases prove too much for Venkman to handle, and he collapses, defeated.

J and K regain their composure and stand at the foot of their victim, poised to finish him off, unaware of the descending shadow growing larger and larger behind them. Too late, they turn and stare right into the face of Zool as the monster rips their heads clean off their necks and lands next to Venkman, who slowly climbs to his feet and, with a shrug, climbs atop Zool and rides the beast off into the moonlight.

The usually verbose Kevin remarked simply "Ghostbusters. If I need to explain it to you, then it's already too late."

Cara gave her vote to the Ghostbusters as well, saying "They would throw off Tommy Lee's smartassy comments with their faux bumbling hijinx and kick some ass."

Kirk countered that argument, saying "MIB have much better weapons and are not nearly as preoccupied with being funny. MIB in short order."

Courtney agreed with that sentiment, saying "I'm going to have to say MIB because they have more of a variety of killing-type weapons."

Everybody seemed pretty focused on the MiBs weapons. Elizabeth thought "I'm going to have to go for the M.i.B. By the time the bumbling Ghostbusters did pull together and get their rays to join into that one big deathray, the MiBs would have already shot them and erased surrounding spectators' memories."

Tackett said "The MIBs have more gadgets than you can shake a stick at and won't be fearful of the low tech 'Busters. The MIBs are about action (and rappin') whereas the 'Busters are more about one-liners (and dated special effects). So give progress its due." Hey, if we're counting soundtracks, I'll kindly ask you not to forget RAY PARKER JR.!

The more vocal of the voters obviously favored the MiBs. And it did come down to one vote. So if there's something strange...in your neighborhood...who you gonna call? The winner of ROUND TEN: The Men in Black!

(Round Eleven results will be posted tomorrow. If you haven't voted yet, now's your chance. Send your vote to slowlyboilingfrog@gmail.com.)

EDIT: Current voting shows that the Alien has a marginal lead over Captain Kirk.

Geek Bracket: Round Nine Results

2007-06-19T06:12:00.000-05:00

It was the battle of the "Guys with guns who keep fighting themselves in tight situations." That's right, James Bond vs. John McClane. Who's the big winner?

Toby voted McClane "Wow, John McClain and James Bond. Well, McClain is no Goldfinger. James Bond will not have the luxury of being put on the conveyor belt heading to his impending death at a wicked 1 mph as he see's himself inching closer and closer to the band saw that awaits him. In fact, as the two meet at the top of the sky scraper McClain would stand toe to toe with Mr. Dry Martini, he would get out may name is Bond, James...(BANG!) One quick shot between the eyes. Yippie Kai Yae Mr. Bond. McClain advances."

Tackett said "Despite his shape-shifting appearance, most any Bond can take the cop. Yeah, I'm really thinking the current Bond does it better. You've got intelligence versus animal instincts and in this match up, there's too much intelligence and gadgetry to make up for McGuyver like resourcefulness."

Elizabeth voted Bond, noting "If for some reason he can't kill you, he will at the very least, steal your woman."

Courtney voted Bond, specifically the Daniel Craig incarnation, because "The man can run straight through a wall!"

Kirk voted "John McClane easily handles the pretty boy who doesn't see the kill shot
coming since he is busy admiring himself in the mirror."

Cara, along with many others, voted for McClane, simply adding "Yippie ki yay, motherfucker!"

Kevin provided slightly more of an explanation for McClane's potential victory: Following biased logic, I have to go with Officer John McClane who is, for the most part (this latest installment might discredit my vote, but we'll see), the very antithesis of the formula, run-of-the-mill action hero (unlike your friend (and mine, I'll admit) Bond, James Bond in whatever incarnation he's in (should've been a Time Lord. How's THAT for a geekism?))) I mean, that's what his calling card is. It's how he disguishes himself from the herd of other dime-a-dozen action heroes. "Hi. I'm John McClane. I'm here to think outside the box of whatever sinister, devious, overarching scheme you've thought up, no matter how convuluted it is. I will mock you where others will threaten. I will your kick ass and feed you a steaming, bullet-addled plate of it where others will merely kiss the girl. I will blow shit up like no other (and with the same explosives I took from the bad guy's carcass after I got through with thrashing him, I might add) just so I can make a point to the kidnappers / thieves / murderers / terrorists / etc. Moreover, let's not forget that you're also foreign, and that I'm ESPECIALLY good at killing foreign people. Don't be sad, though. It's not that I'm smarter than you. It's just that I have more heart."

So in the final analysis?

Yippee-ki-ya-you-British-formula-following-motherfucker!

And as much as I would like to side with McClane, the votes have it. McClane gets shaken and stirred by the jet-setting super agent. Winner of Round Nine: James Bond!

The Geek Bracket: Rounds Nine, Ten and Eleven!

2007-06-14T10:10:00.000-05:00

It's a huge Geek Bracket Match-up weekend! This is one is star-studded, so don't miss out. Let's roll!

ROUND NINE

One is a tuxedo-wearing, well-groomed man, his car and watch overflowing with useful gadgets. Oh, did I mention he's the world's greatest secret agent? Despite the fact that he uses his real name wherever he goes.
The other is wearing a dirty t-shirt, balding, covered with scratches, cuts, bruises, not to mention his bleeding feet (from walking barefoot on glass). He doesn't have a lot of gadgets, but he does have a machine gun now, ho ho ho.
The two are alone in a skyscraper. The goal: Kill the other one. Who makes it out alive? James Bond or John McClane?
(And before you ask...James Bond is...whoever you want it to be. Roger Moore fan? That's who it is. Think Connery is the one true Bond? Then it's him. Timothy Dalton? No, I'm sorry, we won't be accepting your vote then.)

ROUND TEN

There's something strange...in the neighborhood. Who you gonna call? Well, that depends on what it is. What if you, as a normal human being, can't tell what this huge, monstrous creature terrorizing your town is? Is it a ghost, demon, or other spectral entity? (Let's assume you don't have acces to Toban's Spirit Guide.) Or perhaps it's an extraterrestrial, here to wipe out life on Earth as we know it.
So you make two calls. Arriving on the scene at the same time are the Ghostbusters and the Men in Black. Both are fully armed with their collection of neat gadgets that make a lot of light and noise. Both are also carrying the baggage of their terrible, terrible sequels. However, both are also very, very territorial, and neither one is going to let the other group get a crack at this creature first. So they're going to fight it out.
Who wins? The Men in Black or the Ghostbusters?

ROUND ELEVEN

The Starship Enterprise is decidedly empty. Everyone has evacuated. Except for, of course, the captain. Captain James T. Kirk. He's doing one of two things; either going down with the ship, or killing this thing aboard his ship that's caused everyone else to evacuate.
And what is this thing? Well, when they beamed down to the last planet, one of the crew members, wearing his trademark Red Shirt, found an egg. The egg hatched, and a...thing attached itself to the crew member's face. Later, something burst out of his chest, killing the Red-Shirted crew member to the surprise of no one. However, this thing went on to start killing other people as well.
It's a hellish-looking H.R. Giger creation, with no eyes, razor-sharp claws, and acid blood.
Kirk has set his phaser to "Kill." The Alien is out for blood.
Who comes out the Enterprise alive? Captain Kirk or an Alien?

There's THREE big matches for everyone to vote on. Send your votes to slowlyboilingfrog@gmail.com. We'll let this one run the weekend, so everyone has plenty of time to think. And, as I've said before, please pass the link on to your friends, family, arch-enemies, etc. Let's make this one a big match-up!

Round Eight

2007-06-11T15:37:00.000-05:00

ROUND EIGHT

This one, while geeky, wasn't even close. Here's what people thought:

Steen said "The fellowship, hands down. Let's look at it this way: these guys have dispatched literally hundreds of battle-trained orcs without so much as a second thought. They've got natural talents from each of their respective races that would assist them, plus they're armed to the hilt. Their opposition? A ragtag assembly of (mostly) random airline passengers, weakly armed, predominantly untrained, and decidedly not warriors. Even their mighty, noble steed the VW Bus would be little more than a nuisance for such skilled assassins. Honestly, Legolas would probably just shoot them down before they could even get within pistol range. No contest. "

Tackett thought this was "... the more slam-dunk-o-rific of the match ups. Arargorn and Gandolf could easily dispatch the Losties AND the rest of the Fellowship if need be...and depending on which side of the bed Aragorn wakes up on...he might take them all. So...Victory for the Fellowship."

Chad S. thought "I also will vote for the losties because Sam and Frodo are too busy making out and wishing Charlie would join them, and Gandalf is too busy ogling a shirtless Sawyer."

Chad H. commented "I want to vote for the cast of Lost, I really do, especially after that kick ass finale. Sure Sayid can snap your neck with his arms tied behind his back. However, Legalas would kill him in about 3 seconds. And in some cooler way, like while he's surfing across the ocean on his shield firing arrows or something. After that, Jack would be crying in the corner and the rest of the Losties would be dead within minutes."

Elizabeth said "I think it would look like the Losties are going to win as Sawyer makes snarky nicknames for them all, but in the end, the Fellowhship takes them down because they are pure in heart (and have better weapons)."

And remember last round, I commented about how Chad made a "Beyonder" reference, which is about the geekiest reference you could make? I'm sorry, but we may have a new Geek Champion:

Kevin wrote the following email, entitled "Cor Toloth (Tolkien Elvish for "Round Eight"): Hmm... Let's see. Frodo and co. survives being doggedly pursued by the Nazgul (a.k.a. Ringwraiths), Saruman the White, the mines of Mt. Moria, orcs, the Balrog, orcs, Uruk-hai (elite orcs), Saruman (again), Nazgul riding Fell Beasts, the Witchking of Angmar, a giant-effin-spider, more orcs, Smeagol, Frodo's worst enemy (i.e. himself), and yes, of course, more orcs (not to mention that awkwardly and exceedingly prolonged moment(s) near the very end (or endings, as it were) where you thought the hobbits might actually start making out. Not that there's anything wrong with that (is the cast of "Seinfeld" one of the matchups?)).

"Lost" does have one of the Fellowship batting for both teams (in reference to my earlier, um, reference: Kramer vs. Blacula anyone? Just throwing it out there people). But c'mon, it's Gilligan's Island meets X-Files. Moreover, they can't even get off the freaking island (Frodo would've been sipping Frozen Margaritas in Miami by the end of season two if he was in their place)! Do I need to spell it out for ya?

My vote: The Min Cor (Pronounced: Thee Meen Core. Tolkien Elvish for "The One Ring").

He concluded his email by saying " Don't make me geeky. You wouldn't like me when I'm geeky."

Too late.

The votes, and scenarios, have it. Jack cries, Sawyer broods, Charlie dies (again), and the rest of them are collectively voted off the island, as the winner of Round Eight is the one true ring of friends...The Fellowship of Nine!

More match-ups tomorrow!

Round 7 Results

2007-06-11T13:45:00.000-05:00

As expected, people were geeking out all over the place over these matchups.

ROUND SEVEN

One vote. Once again, it comes down to one vote. Indiana Jones vs. Spider-Man. Who wins it? Here's what you thought:

Elizabeth said "I'm going to have to vote for Indiana Jones. He doesn't need any super powers to kick ass. And, he's got that cool hat."

Chad H. completely and utterly geeked out, "While I can't think of a scenario where the 2 would fight without involving the Beyonder, I've got to go with Spidey over Indy." I dare anybody to out-geek a "Beyonder" reference.

Chad S. remarked "Spidey is facing down Indy and coming up with his annoyoing smart ass remarks, Indy pulls out his gun and shoots him dead. Indy then runs off in search of a bathroom. (You know you're a geek if you get that last reference)" I confess, I don't get that last reference. The Beyonder reference, yes. Bathroom, no.

Tackett said (sang?) "Spider-man, Spider-man, friendly neighborhood Spider-man. Friendly neighborhood Spider-man. Spins a web, any size, cool with snakes, sells french fries. Look out! Indy goes down on this one. "

Kevin's scenario "Spidey swings down from the sky, flipping and soaring, tumbling and spinning, landing acrobatically in a limber crouch. "Nice hat," he says to Indy. "The bullwhip's a bit much though, don'tcha think?" He somersaults through the air, backflipping, and executing a series of other nimble aerial manuevers as he closes the distance between them.

Indy pulls out his revolver and shoots Spidey dead. He pushes back his hat. "Thanks."

Indy is willing to kill. Spiderman is not. Indy wins."

Steen said "Indiana Jones. Why? Well, Spider Man is a whiny little bitch, plain and simple. Sure, he's strong and agile and all that, but we all saw how well strength worked out for the sword-wielding Arab(?) that attempted to both win over the crowd's affections with his brandishing and swiftly kill the greatest archaeologist ever to live only to be eradicated by a single shot from a very pissed-off Mr. Jones's pistol. I don't think even Spider Man has the sort of web reaction time to take out Indiana in the quick draw. I'm also under the impression that a good whip could take out webbing. "

Lots of good thoughts there people. But who was the winner? Who won by one vote?

None other than your friendly neighborhood, Nazi-fighting arhaelogist...Indiana Jones!

Geek Bracket: Rounds 7 and 8

2007-06-08T11:08:00.000-05:00

Two more big battles to carry us through the weekend.

First up, ROUND SEVEN

He is an accomplished archaelogist, who has found the Lost Ark of the Covenant, The Holy Grail, and whatever the Hell the second movie was about. In addition to finding priceless artifacts, he's also managed to make several million dollars for Stephen Spielberg and George Lucas. Welcome to the Geek Bracket...Indiana Jones!

Speaking of making several millions dollars...his competitor has managed to break box-office records three times now, all while pissing off comic fanboys with changes to his origin (organic webslingers?!?!?!). He's a modern-day action hero, and the only official superhero gracing the Geek Bracket. He's your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man!

Honestly, these two ended up being two characters that we wanted in the Geek Bracket, but couldn't find "matching" first round opponents, so they got stuck together. Under what circumstances would Spider-Man and Indiana Jones meet? Your call! But remember, no matter where they meet, only one comes out alive!

ROUND EIGHT

(I expect much geekery from both sides for this one.)

Frodo, Gandalf, Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas, Boromir, Sam, Merry, and Pippin are on their quest to deliver the Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom. Along the way, they find themselves on a supposedly deserted island (just go with it).
Along comes Jack, Sayid, Locke, Kate, Sawyer, Desmond, Jin, Rousseau and Charlie. They're looking for a way off the island. Perhaps this magical ring might be of some assistance?
The Fellowship of 9 are driven by their quest to destroy the One Ring. The Survivors of Flight 815 are driven by their desire to get off the island (and no, I'm not going to get into details about whether or not Locke actually wants off the island, so would he really be fighting them? Again, just go with it.).
Only one of these groups are getting off the island alive. Who wins? (Remember, just saying you're voting for the group with Dominic Monaghan in it doesn't count.)

You've got all weekend. Send votes, suggestions, complaints, scenarios, etc. to "slowlyboilingfrog@gmail.com."

Geek Bracket: Rounds Five and Six Results

2007-06-07T09:15:00.000-05:00

OK, people. Let's dispense with the pleasantries. You NEED to start making some decisions. Why?

The Idle Receptionist (hiding behind an alias, eh?) wrote " Man, this could go either way. And it really depends on the pessimistic/optimistic view of the storyteller. Does Harry win against all odds by virtue of his altruistic purity? Or does Malifecent slam dunk his ass in her nefarious, balls to the wall omnipotence? I JUST. DON'T. KNOW."

Funky Ratchet (more aliases!) wrote "Jack vs. the Predator: Jack would not only subdue the Predator, but also find out who it works for. However, the Predator will also demand a Presidential pardon in exchange for that information so Jack would then have to begrudgingly let it go."

In fact, Karen, while voting for Potter, claimed no knowledge of either of the participants in Round Six, and abstained.

I'm sorry, folks, but these are DEATH MATCHES! Follow the lead of your fellow voters!

ROUND FIVE

WHY should you vote? Because in this match, it came down to one vote AGAIN! Which of the famous magicians would win this? Your thoughts:

Kevin sent this email: Clarification: Is this Harry from the books or Mr. Potter from the movies? Cause really, that makes one helleva difference. The one in the movie can't even keep his magic scar straight. Ah, screw it. Maleficent.

Elizabeth said "HP is way too soft-hearted. I have to vote with Maleficent."

Chad S. voted "I've beaten Voldemort, passed many trials and tribulations, watched as my uncle died, and dealt with the death of Dumbledore. I can defeat yet another dragon. I AM HARRY POTTER, I AM THE BOY WHO LIVED." Sadly these were the last thoughts to ever go through Harry Potter's mind as the most evil of all Disney villians,Maleficent, in dragon form, scorched Potter to a crisp."

While Funky was ambiguous on the Bauer/Predator match, he did provide this commentary on Round Five: "Using a simple illusion spell to appear as a horse, the dragon would have plenty of time to devour/maim/crush Harry while Harry busies himself trying to flirt with the horse." (Nice reference, by the way.)

So those that provided descriptions were pretty vocal about Maleficent taking Potter. Personally, that's the way I saw it swinging, as well. Here's another take on the situation:

Karen wrote "Here's the deal about H.P. vs the witch: The witch is pure evil and has the dramatically arching eyebrows to prove it, but she's a loner. Harry not only has his innate (although less matured) abilities as a wizard, but others who stand behind him -- the spirits of his dead parents, Dumbledore and other assorted professor/wizard types, and of course his true and loyal friends, Hermione and Ron. He has the winning combination, so my vote's for Potter."

You may not agree, but the votes do. Winner of Round Five is HARRY POTTER!

ROUND SIX

Another lopsided match, and one I don't totally agree with. Your thoughts:

Kevin provides this analysis, complete with the proper sound effects: "DINK-DINK-DINK (sound of digital clock ticking down as Jack hears, but not sees, the Predator sneaking up on him)... DINK-DINK-DINK... The Predator shines three-beamed targeting laser on the back of Jack's head...DINK-DINK-DINK... Jack calls the president of Fox on his cell phone. "Mr. President? Mr. President, the shows in danger of wearing out its welcome. Mr. President...?" DINK-DINK-DINK...Predator shoots the cell phone AND Jack's hand off... DINK-DINK-DINK... Predator instinctively knows that Fox doesn't believe in second chances unless intellectual property can be directed by a hack director and is woefully underfunded...DINK-DINK-DINK...

He blows a hole the size of 24's latest (all?) plotline in Jack's chest...DINK-DINK-DINK.

Harsh words about "24," especially from a man, who as I understand it, doesn't watch the show.

Steve said "Jack, with the help of his PDA/Cell Phone, renders the Predator defenseless and kills him with one fatal blow!"

Elizabeth voted for Jack, explaining "I mean, he killed a man with his teeth, HIS TEETH!!"

Good point.

Chad voted for Bauer as well, saying "Jack probably has seen intel on the predators before,
hell, his phone probably sends him a text reminder to cover himself in mud. I can't see someone without the last name of Maul, McLeod, or Dracula killing Jack Bauer."

Keep in mind, folks, Jack has been dead before. TWICE!

But not this time. Kevin was the Predator's sole supporter. The winner of Round Six, by a landslide, is JACK BAUER!

Tomorrow: Two more matches for the weekend.

Geek Bracket: Rounds Five and Six

2007-06-05T09:30:00.000-05:00

We've come to the rounds I call "The Magic Round" and "The Death Match," respectively. First up:

ROUND FIVE

He is the Boy Who Lived. He's faced down dragons, evil wizards, and crappy movie translations of his books (admit it). She is the evil witch from "Sleeping Beauty," endowed not only with magical powers (including the ability to turn into that scary-looking black dragon), but also has the distinction of being one of Disney's villains that are evil through and through, without any of the comedic elements that softened some of the more recent Disney villains (I'm looking at you, Jafar).

It's a magician's duel here, folks. Which one of these magic users comes out alive? Harry Potter vs. Maleficent!

ROUND SIX

They are both two beings trained for one purpose: KILL.

One of them has worked for America's Counter Terrorism Unit. Then he quit. Then he came back and worked for them again. Then he quit. Then he came back. Then he worked for them unofficially. Then he quit. Then he came back, unofficially. Then he got captured, came back, quit, came back, and quit. During each of these times, he not only worked for CTU, but also against it, and killed countless terrorists, plus several of his own co-workers. A big round of applause for the man that killed a terrorist by chewing out his throat...Jack Bauer!
The other is a visitor to our planet. He's part of a race that trains its people to do one thing: Hunt and kill. And not just anything. They're trained to hunt the best of the best. Welcome...the Predator!
Now, just like in "Predator 2," the Predator has come to L.A. It brings with it its cloaking shield, claws, and Whoopi Goldbergian hairstyle. Jack has a gun, and, of course, his trusty phone (SPRINT! They're phones can do ANYTHING!). There will be no prisoners.
Jack Bauer vs. the Predator!

Email your votes and (if you'd like) your reasoning or description of the match to slowlyboilingfrog@gmail.com. We'll post results Wednesday afternoon.

Geek Bracket: Round Four Results

2007-06-04T16:33:00.000-05:00

ROUND FOUR

Wow. Just...wow. I predicted a Terminator victory in this round. I wasn't the only one.

Chad S. voted for Terminator, along with this commentary: "The Terminator would destroy Robocop.(Chad predicts that this will be the most lopsided vote of the preliminaries.)"

He was right.

Karen said "Is there really a difference between RoboCop and the T-1000? I thought they were interchangeable . . .guess I'll have to go with Ahnold since he is my governator. "

Tackett said "T-1000. Even though I love the Robocop....he doesn't stand a chance against a machine built for war. To quote another Arnold moment...if it bleeds, we can kill it. The Robocopper bleeds...T-1000 really doesn't."

Kevin pointed this out: "The T-1000 was Robert Patrick as the incredible morphing glob of reflective goo. Aaahnold was a T-800. How do I know this? What true geek doesn't?"

Thanks for noticing, Kevin. Kevin, proving himself worthy of the "geek" label, goes on to say "A Marvel Comic book dealing with the above scenario (Robocop vs. Terminator) did actually happen, written by Frank Miller (of Dark Knight Returns/Sin City/Ronin/Hard-Boiled fame). back when the whole Predator vs. Alien thang was becoming so (too?) big. Anyhoo, in it, Robocop was actually the cause of SkyNet becoming sentient and almost wiping out the human race. Robocop goes "back to the future" (now, you know I had to fit THAT in somehow) and annihilates (i.e. blows the crap out of) SkyNet, and by virtue single-handedly saves humanity by virtue of his own...(come on you know its coming)...humanity."

But, he also mentions in this email that Captain James T. Kirk is his hero, so I don't know how far I can trust Kevin's word.

John provides his commentary on the whole situation:

Unfazed by Robocop's threat, the T-1000 begins to approach Detroit's finest, pointing his 12-gauge at the officer's metal breastplate and firing. The blast staggers Robocop, knocking him backwards. Determined, he rises to his feet and begins to step forward himself. He is blown back again by another blast from the Terminator's shotgun.

Robocop attempts to retrieve his semi-automatic pistol from within his right thigh, but due to budget cuts on the police force his lower body is running on Windows ME and fails to respond. Another shot rips into Robocop, further damaging his cybernetic frame.

"WARNING!" reads Murphy's visual interface, "DAMAGE LEVEL CRITICAL."

The Terminator begins to reload his weapon, preparing to eliminate Robocop for good – when suddenly a grenade explodes against him and knocks him off his feet.

Robocop tracks the trajectory arc of the grenade and traces its source to a young man perched on the exposed steel beam of a burnt-out office building. Robocop's interface identifies him as John Conner, leader of the Los Angeles resistance movement.

"Easy money," John says, climbing down to help Robocop to his feet.

"Thank you," Murphy says to the unexpectedly short Conner. He turns to engage the recovering Terminator, but stops when his internal computer sets off an alarm: "JOHN CONNER – ALIAS EDWARD FURLONG – WANTED FOR POSSESSION OF NARCOTICS."

Robocop grabs the young man's arm. "You are under arrest."

"WHAT?!" squeals Conner/Furlong. He tries to protest but is silenced when another shotgun blast blows both he and Robocop into chunks of metal and flesh.

The T-1000 examines the remains for a brief moment, then climbs onto his recently acquired Harley and hits US Pacific Highway 101 headed for Sacramento.

Winner: The Terminator (with bonus points)

That's John's take on things. Apparetly, everyone else thinks this way too. It wasn't just a lopsided victory; it was a shutout. Robocop garnered absolutely NO VOTES AT ALL. Not a sausage. Bugger all. He loses HARD. This is the worst embarassment in his career since "Robocop" parts 2 and 3 (also written by Frank Miller! Boo yah, Kevin!).

As stated by John, the undisputed winner of this round is THE TERMINATOR.

We'll start Round Five first thing Tuesday morning.

Rounds Three Results

2007-06-04T09:32:00.000-05:00

There were two rounds over the weekend in the Geek Bracket, and the first one was pretty close. It wasn't as tight as the past rounds have been, but close, nonetheless. Without further ado....

ROUND THREE

This one was very hotly contested. People felt pretty strongly about their choices. From the people supporting the shark:

Steve said "Jaws kills Jack without blinking!"

Courtney added "Jaws wins. I feel no need to justify my choice."

Tackett offered "Jaws...we know Jack can be killed...I'm a bit hesitant to think Jaws really can be." (Although, he may be on shaky ground here...did he see the third movie?)

Karen noted "Jaws will be immune to Cap'n Jack's lightning quick banter and humorous banter, so that round goes to Jaws."

Kevin added " 'In fact, all this machine does is swim and eat and make little sharks, and that's all.' Take out little sharks and replace it with little sequels." (Kevin did note he was voting for Jaws, though.)

John, providing his usual level of commentary, gave us this:

Downing his last swig of rum, Captain Jack Sparrow stares into the shark's eyes – lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. Jack's own eyes widen cartoonishly, and he makes and equally cartoonish attempt to leap out of his dingy and run across the surface of the Atlantic Scooby-style. He makes it approximately 18 inches before sinking into the icy waters, at which point the shark bites him and those black eyes roll over white. The last thing Jack hears before he is engulfed in darkness is a terrible high-pitched screamin'.

Jack awakens on a bed of sand, his face encrusted with seaweed and pieces of a yellow rubber raft. He straightens himself and looks around at the desolate island on which he sits. Surrounding him is nothing but water.

"No ship, no rum," Jack muses aloud. "Am I dead?"

"Yes," responds a ghostly voice. "Ahem, I mean, AYE!"

"Who said that? Is that God?"

"In Amity they say 'gahd,'" the voice replies. "But no, this isn't God. It's Bob Iger, CEO of the Walt Disney Company. Remember? You sold your soul to me."

"Mm, oh yes." Jack begins to wander out into the ocean.

"I wouldn't do that, Jack."

"Poppycock," Jack says. "I'm Cap'n Jack Sparrow. I don't belong to you, I belong to the sea. My life, my love, my lady. Besides, I'm already dead; what could happen to—"

Before he is able to finish his query, Jack's legs are severed at the knee by the bite of a large shark. A 20-footer. 25.

"Franchise exploitation ad nauseum," responds the shark, still chewing on Jack's leather boots. "Get used to it."

Chad S. offered the opposing viewpoint: Jaws circling the boat is about to attack Captain Jack. The shark goes to bite Jack's arm and catches part of it. Blood and flesh are gulped up by the great white. Jack is taken aback, muttering something along the lines of "not another Kraken attack." The shark gears up to finish the job, but then something happens... The shark can barely stay afloat, let alone attack. The shark is near paralyzed and hears a voice... "Matey, you shouldn't bite a man whose blood is made up entirely of 100% rum." The pirate captain proceeds to finish up yet another bottle of rum yo ho, and takes his time finishing off the shark. Jack passes out in the boat while humming a certain theme park based ride tune.

Then there's the viewpoint of...what? Ambiguity? Chad H. gave us this entry: "My initial thought is that if Jack's by himself, I've got to go with Jaws. Jack's not very resourceful when he's alone. He relies more on others showing up to save his ass. Of course he'd probably bumble into doing Jaws in by accident. Something like Jaws starts eating the boat and flops up on deck. Just as it's mouth start to close around Jack's torso, Jack opens his eyes and sees Jaws has impaled itself on the mast of the boat. Of course in reality, Jaws would just eat him in about 3 seconds."

So...tie?

Actually, while the voting was close, it wasn't close enough that the one vote in either direction would have swung the results. And, sorry, mateys, this time, the "Ayes" don't have it...

Winner of Round Three is Jaws!

(Round Four coming later this afternoon.)

Geek Bracket: Round Two Results and Rounds Three and Four

2007-06-01T12:09:00.000-05:00

It was another close match-up, with the winner pulling out by just one vote! Unlike a Presidential election, your vote actually matters here! So what did people think of the fight?

Cara noted that "Of course my vote is for the Buffster. She has been through hell and back since she met him in season 5 and is way more dark and disturbed. She would righteously kick his ass."

Chad also brought up the fact that Buffy had met Dracula once before, saying
"Well, considering Buffy's already taken Dracula out once, I'm going to have to go with Buffy."

Once again, John comes through with a detailed description of the encounter, presented here in its entirety:

Shutting the massive castle door behind her, Buffy drops her overnight
bag to her feet, closes her umbrella, and stares agape at the aged,
cavernous dwelling before her.

"They sure don't make summer camps like they used to," she quips to
herself. But little does Buffy know that someone else is listening,
far away, entrenched in the catacombs of this black stone fortress. As
Buffy begins to slowly explore, this someone hears every breath she
takes, every move she makes, every vow she breaks, and so forth. He
hears the muted thump of her boots against the stone floor, the
squeaking of the sleeves on her petite leather jacket, the pubescent
whine of Avril Lavigne on her iPod, but most of all he hears the
pumping of her heart within her chest. It calls out to him.

A coffin lid bursts open and flies against a nearby wall, sending a
thunderous roar up through the halls of the castle that rivals the
storm outside. Buffy freezes, her eyes widened, and whispers, "Chunk,
I hope that was your stomach." But none of her companions are here to
appreciate her irrationally witty pop culture panache. Buffy is alone,
and as that realization seizes her, she reaches inside her jacket and
pulls out woman's best friend -- a long, slender wooden stake.

"Good evening," echoes a deep, heavily accented voice. "I bid you welcome."

As if on cue, beyond the castle walls a wolf cries out.

"Ahh," the disembodied voice continues, "Listen to them, children of
the night, what music they make..."

Buffy cocks her head and tightens her grip on the stake. "Actually, I
prefer a little Zepplin or Bowie, but there's no accounting for
taste."

"I grow tired of this banter..." coos the voice, growing closer.
"Surely there are better things for two lonley people such as
ourselves to be doing on a cold, dark, stormy night, are there not?"

Buffy pauses in thought, then responds, "Scrabble?"

Suddenly, the echoing voice is not around Buffy, but right behind her. "Hush..."

Buffy reacts with a start, twisting her arm up and whipping the stake
around behind her, but her arm is seized before the stake makes
contact. Her unseen host explodes into cackles of sinister laughter.
Shifting around her, he finally makes himself visible and stands
before her, tall, imposing, hideously pale, draped in a reeking black
cloak.

Buffy remains motionless as this terrifying figure stares at her with
bloodshot eyes. There's a fiendish joy on his face, the visible
excitement and anticipation of a creature who has hungered for days,
months, years, and is suddenly beset by the very thing he craves most.
Buffy knows who he is, knows what he is, and knows what she is
supposed to do -- but she can't. Transfixed by his eyes, she is still
and vulnerable.

Assured of his mental conquest, Dracula allows his gaze to drop and
begins to examine his prey from her toes up to her diminutive torso --
and stops.

"Uhhh....," he stammers, "Where are they?"

His spell wavering, Buffy breaks free of her trance. "Wh-what?"

"Where are they?" Dracula repeats, his facial glee now fading into a
frown as he stares at Buffy's chest.

"Where are what?"

"Your bosoms! Where are they?" Unaccustomed to women without corsets,
it is Dracula who is now transfixed by what he sees, puzzled
incessantly but Buffy's near anorexic shape. "I can't find the blood
if I can't find the bosoms!"

As Buffy suddenly begins to understand, her eyes roll and a smirk
crosses her face. "I got your bosom right here," she says, slaming the
wooden stake through Dracula's chest. He gasps and falls backwards,
dead.

And while it seems like a lot of people thought Buffy would pull things out, here's a different take on how things fell, presented by Chad S. :

"Dracula sees Buffy walk into his master bedroom. As she approaches, Dracula lunges at Buffy, grabs her neck...and rips her head off. Dracula wins. The whole "showdown" takes exactly 8 seconds."

And, unfortunately for the Whedonites, the votes agree.

The winner of Round Two is Count Dracula!

Now, here's your weekend treat: We've got two rounds going on over the weekend, and I'll even allow voting Monday morning as well. But this is your chance to email everyone you know over the weekend and get them involved as well. Here's the match-ups:

ROUND THREE

Sailing the high seas, fresh off the disturbingly large opening weekend box office gross of "Pirates 3" (seriously, do people like these movies that much?), is Jack Sparrow. Captain Jack Sparrow. He only has a moderate sized boat, however, and he's alone. Which means if he's going to make witty remarks, he's doing it for himself, or figments of his imagination (you know, like he did far too many times in the third movie, when it wasn't funny to begin with?).
As he's sailing along, he hears some unfamilar music. It's a very minimalist score, back before John Williams' music could be described as "regularly bombastic." It's just two notes, repeated menacingly, growing quicker each time. As if something were approaching, most likely underwater.
Jack begins to sing "Show me the way to go home..." But suddenly, something leaps out of the water. Something that is a perfect engine, an eating machine. Something that's really a miracle of evolution. In fact, all this machine does is swim and eat and make little sharks, and that's all. Jack mutters to himself "I'm gonna need a bigger boat."

Jack Sparrow vs. Jaws

Who makes it out of the ocean alive?

ROUND FOUR

While patrolling Detroit, Officer Alex J. Murphy (a.k.a. Robocop) gets a call about an odd electrical disturbance. When he arrives at the scene, he sees a bunch of dead bikers, stripped of their clothes and weapons. Standing in the middle of them is a large, Austrian-looking man, who, if he worked on his accent, could one day become Governor of a major state in the U.S. He's also naked, but is quickly putting on some of the deceased bikers' clothes. Robocop, who knows a good dramatic moment when he sees one, allows this guy to finish getting dressed, including putting on his sunglasses. Only after this man pumps his shotgun does Robocop step out the car, making his own dramatic entrance.
"Stop right there, punk," Robocop says in his staccato monotone.
The big guy in the leather jacket wheels around. Little does Robocop know, this is a T-1000, sent back from the future with one mission: Terminate Officer Alex J. Murphy.
However, the T-1000 is breaking the law, and therefore, violating Robocop's Prime Directives.
"Dead or alive," Robocop says, "You're coming with me."

Who wouldn't buy this for a dollar?

Robocop vs. The T-1000 Terminator

Who comes out alive?

You've got all weekend to vote on Rounds Three and Four. Please send all votes to slowlyboilingfrog@gmail.com

Geek Bracket: Round One Results and Round Two

2007-05-30T23:22:00.000-05:00

This first match was very close, with the winner being decided by one vote. Some people who wrote in gave me their description of what they thought would happen. For example, Toby wrote:

"With the lightsaber blazing Lord Darth Maul attacks the 300's shield clad army. Maul has some success, eliminating dozens but then at that moment the 300 surge forward pushing Darth Maul to the ground. King Leonidas drops his shield, and as Darth Maul is mesmorized at the physical prowess of Leonidas he forgets he's in the battle to end all battles. At that point, Leonidas flexes his pecks and as Darth Maul has to look away or be forever blinded at the masculinity that is Leonidas, in one swift blow the 300 add him to the wall of those who have bravely fought, but ultimately fell to the Spartans from SPARTA!!!!!!!!!"

Toby gets points for managing to recreate the homoerotic undertones of the movie.

Greg added "The 300 would win...no doubt. Darth Maul can only do so much, even if his lightsaber is double edged."

However, despite the current wave of popularity that King Leonidis and his All-Male Chippendale Review is currently riding, the Force is apparently slightly stronger with Darth Maul. He won by one vote, taking him into the next round. I'll let John sum things up, by quoting an email which he apparently spent more time in detailing one round than I did in putting this whole thing together:

The Spartans stare down this red-faced freak and gloat, empowered, thinking, "FINALLY we've got the upper hand." As they casually line up their traditional flanks and prepare for battle, the sun suddenly fades. 300 Spartan minds ponder the meaning of this solar eclipse, and just as they tilt their heads upward understanding finally dawns.

Maul descends from the sky, lightsaber whirling, and takes off three dozen heads before his feet even hit the rocky soil. The Spartans are bulky masses, Maul a darting glimmer. As glistening torsos lunge at him, he zips to and fro and leads the warrriors' swords right into each other. Without even losing his hood, Maul dispatches all but one of the Spartans and poises himself on a large bolding, taking the high ground over King Leonidas.

"Tonight you dine in the Sarlac HELL!" Leonidas bellows, charging. Maul dodges the attack, but Leonidas' overwhelming size catches him on the leg and causes him to crash to the ground and roll into a small canyon. As he clutches the root of an ancient tree, Leonidas stands above him and breathes heavily, grunts, and spits. Then does more of the same.

Growing bored, Maul pulls a Kenobi and hurls himself skyward, flips over Leonidas and comes to a perfect landing, slicing his lightsaber straight through Leonidas' midsection. A gentle blast of Force from Maul's gloved hand, and Leonidas' pieces topple into the canyon. From the abyss comes the echo of grunts and heavy breathing, and then, silence.

Couldn't have said it better myself, John.

So mark your brackets; Darth Maul takes Round One.

Now, onto Round Two.

The setting: A dark house. No, scratch that. A dark mansion. No, a castle. A dark, ancient castle. Near a cemetary. At midnight. And it's in the middle of a lightning storm. And, what the Hell, it's Halloween night.
Lurking in the shadows is the King of the Vampires himself, Dracula. This isn't the romantic, tortured fellow that we've seen in a couple of interpretations; this is Mr. The Impaler himself. He feeds on blood, turns into rats and bats, and is generally evil and nasty. Think less Anne Rice and more Francis Ford Coppola (specifically in monstrous form).
Walking into the castle is Sunnydale's own superpowered savior, Buffy Summers. Buffy is a Vampire Slayer, endowed with super strength and enhanced fighting abilities. She also tends to carry wooden stakes with her.
Dracula is by himself (no Renfeild). Buffy, likewise, is alone; no Willow, Giles, Xander, Angel or Riley (thank God). Only one of them is coming out the castle alive (or, as close to alive as is possible, considering Dracula is undead, and Buffy has already died twice).
Who wins?

(Remember, send your vote to "slowlyboilingfrog@gmail.com." We had a decent turnout for the first round, but I want everyone who voted to get at least one new person to vote this round.)

Geek Bracket: Round One

2007-05-29T23:29:00.000-05:00

The one that started it all. 300 Spartans vs. Sith Lord Darth Maul. Here's the setting: The 300 have holed up in the narrow passage, shields up, spears and swords at the ready. Darth Maul has just landed on the beach, double-edged lightsaber in hand. Maul casually strolls up to the Spartans and asks "Is this Tattoine?" King Leonidas, predictably at this point, responds by yelling "THIS IS THE GEEK BRAAAAAAAAAAACKET!!!!!" The lightsaber ignites. Everything starts moving in slow motion. When the dust clears, only one side will be left alive.

Who will it be? Vote now by emailing your vote to "slowlyboilingfrog@gmail.com."

(Please feel free to give your thoughts in the comments section. Please put "Round One" in your email subject header.)

UPDATE: The current voting has the participants TIED.

The Geek Bracket

2007-05-29T21:03:00.000-05:00

Here's the bracket. Click on it to enlarge. Then head on in to Round One.

The Geek Bracket

2007-05-29T10:52:00.000-05:00

A couple of months ago, an email circulated between me and some of my friends concerning the following topic: Who would win in a fight to the death, 1 Jedi or The 300? After numerous repsonses (including several angry ones from my brother, who doesn't get too worked up over movies usually, but is apparently an unsettingly devoted fan of "The 300"), it became apparent that something geeky like this could be used as a great time waster. And since the television season is over, and we need to put something on the blog, it's time for the Geek Bracket.

Here's how it's going to work: Tomorrow, I'm going to post two things. First, the bracket itself. If you're wondering how the participants and matches were decided upon, it was a two-fold process. First, my cousin, who has an almost socially-disfunctional level of OCD, made a list of many, MANY possible participants. Then, during a very long van ride, we (we being me, him and a third person who had to be yelled at several times since he has a tendency to make things needlessly complex; for example, he asked "If the 300 win a round, and advance to the next round, is it the entire 300, or, like 258?"), came up with the bracket. The Geek Bracket, if you will.

The participants were chosen based on several different criteria. They had to be iconic in one kind of geeky way or another (so, for example, while I think Hellboy would be a fine participant in this sort of tournament, he isn't necessarily as iconic as, say, The Ghostbusters). We limited participants to basically one from any given kind of specific genre or movie series (which is why Michael Myers is in, but not Jason or Freddy, or why Darth Maul made it, but not Yoda, Luke, Vader, Boba Fett or a Rancor. The fact that Maul made the cut and not Boba Fett was a bone of contention with the aforementioned friend, who eventually had to be told, basically, it was my tournament, I"ll put in who I want). If you disagree with the choices, or feel someone should have been included, tough. Maybe they'll make it in next time.

Tomorrow you'll get to see the bracket. You can look ahead to all of the match-ups coming up. That's the first thing appearing tomorrow.

The second thing will be a short description of the first match-up. It won't be a story, or fan-fiction, or anything like that. It will merely be something along the lines of "Captain Kirk is alone aboard the Enterprise. However, also lurking aboard is an Alien (from the "Alien" movies; specifically, James Cameron's "Aliens"). Kirk sets his phaser to "kill." The Alien is always set to kill. There can be only one survivor. Who wins?"

Then it's your turn. You HAVE to do one thing, but you MAY do two things. The thing you HAVE to do is send me an email to "slowlyboilingfrog@gmail.com" with your vote. In a perfect world, you'd pick who you actually think would win, and not just who you like better.

The other thing you MAY do (but isn't required) is to post in the comments section who you think would win, and why. Generating discussion is always good, and will hopefully lead to more participation.

Which leads me to my next point: I've had a couple of people tell me they enjoy reading, and that other people they work with enjoy as well. I'm glad to hear it, but I need to hear from you during the tournament. Because if I post the results and, let's say, 3 people voted, I'm probably not going to be inclined to continue much longer.

So. Your homework for today: Tell everyone you work with. Pass on the email "slowlyboilingfrog@gmail.com." Look for the bracket and round one tomorrow. I'll tally the votes tomorrow night, and then in a new post, post the winner and the description for the second round. Remember, we're going a round at a time, you're not voting on the entire bracket.

Let's get ready to get geeky!

Lost: Season Fucking Finale

2007-05-23T23:40:00.000-05:00

If you were ask someone who had never seen either "Lost" or "24" the question "Which show's finale took ass-kicking to such new heights that mere mortals could barely gaze upon it in all its glory?", what do you think they'd say? What if you explained that "24" was about an almost super-human government agent, trained to be a living weapon, working outside the confines of the law, trying to prevent a world war after a devastating nuclear terrorist attack on U.S. soil, while "Lost" was about a group of people (including a doctor that cries at the drop of a hat, a formerly crippled religious zealot, a rock star and a fat guy) who crashed on a desert island, and were trying to reach a radio tower to signal for help? Which show do you think would they pick to be the show that came to chew bubblegum and kick ass, but then promptly informed us that it was all out of bubblegum?

Producers of "24," you have a new assigment: Watch the season finale of "Lost" over and over until Jack Bauer starts being even a quarter of a badass as Sayid. Actually, just getting Jack back up to the badass level of Hurley would be an improvement.

Where do I even start?

Well, there's the original plan: Take everyone to the tower, let Bernard, Sayid and Jin blow up the Others. You know this isn't going to work; something will happen, and they'll find a way to screw it...holy shit, they actually blew the Others to Hell. Well, most of them anyway. And really, if that guy hadn't have come up behind Sayid, I have complete and utter confidence that Sayid was going to put one in the guy's eye.

Jin, Sayid and Bernard are captured now. The rest of the group sees two explosions, but there were supposed to be three. Rose reminds Jack of this. We haven't seen much of Rose this season, which is why I forgot what a shrill and unlikable person she actually is. Jack keeps the group moving, though.

Meanwhile, under the sea, Charlie has reached a zen-like, "Strike me down and I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine" kind of state. I've never been the biggest Charlie fan, but I don't hate him, either. After this finale, and last week's episode that featured his "greatest hits," however, he may have moved up into one of my all-time favorites, ranking right there with Sun and Jin. Charlie gets the holy Hell knocked out of him, all the while explaining very carefully that he's going to shut this station down, regardless of what these two women think.

Immediately above them, Desmond wakes up just in time to get shot at. It's Mikhail, the Eyepatch guy. I'm assuming having only the one eye screws with his depth perception, because, for a trained soldier, he's not hitting anything. Perhaps he was trained as an Imperial Stormtrooper, because he manages to hit everything but Desmond. Desmond even has time to take a big gulp of air before diving under. He swims down and hides in a locker.

Back at the hiking expedition, Sawyer decides to go back to check on the situation at the beach. Juliet goes with him. Hurley, for the second time in as many episodes, gets denied a chance to go along. He's not even the kid picked last for a team; he's not picked at all.

Ben and Alex meet up with Jack and his crew. He requests a meeting with Jack. Ben tells Jack that the Parachute Woman isn't who she says she is, and that the boat offshore will come in and kill everyone. Ben, of course, is the little boy who cried wolf once too often, and Jack doesn't believe him. Ben orders Tom to kill Sayid, Jin and Bernard if Tom doesn't hear back from Ben in one minute. He gives Jack this one minute to decide.

I know I've mentioned Jack's "douchyness" in the past, but he was in actual...dare I say it?...heroic form tonight. He makes the ballsy move of letting Tom shoot his friends (at least he thinks so) and then proceeds to give Ben the beating of a lifetime. He orders him tied up, so Ben can watch as they're rescued. He informs Tom over the radio that he will hunt him down and kill him. I know it was Jack, but it was still...awesome?

In the midst of this, Ben gets to give a touching introduction of Alex to Rousseau, her real mother. They even offer to tie up Ben together! It's a real bonding experience.

At the beach, Sayid, Jin and Bernard haven't been shot, because there's some dissension in the ranks. Ben has almost completely lost his already tenuous hold over his people, to the point where no one is carrying out his orders immediately. Sawyer and Juliet are trying to come up with a plan, since they have no guns, and the Others are all armed. What will happen?

What happens is probably single most kick-ass scene that has ever happened on this show. Period. I dare not mock it, even respectfully. Hurley drives his bus into one of the Others. Sawyer runs in and is about to get shot by one of the Others before Sayid...and I'm so overcome by awesomeness I can barely type, trips the Other and...breaks...the guy's neck...with...his legs.

Sawyer finds Tom and picks up the gun. Tom surrenders to him and Juliet. Sawyer shoots him once and tells him "That's for taking the boy." He shoots him again, just to be sure. So. Much. Awesomeness.

Speaking of "The Boy" (or, as Michael might yell, "My boooooy! They took my booooy!"), he appears. What? Yup. To a dying Locke. Locke has been left for dead by Ben, gutshot, in a pile of bodies. He manages to drag himself to a gun and is about to kill himself when Walt appears. He tells Locke "Don't. You have work to do." Locke responds by saying "Jesus, how long have we been on the island? What, are you in high school now?"

Underwater, there's a big scene with the eyepatch guy showing up, getting orders from Ben to kill everybody (this, obviously, before Ben is captured; I just forgot to mention it earlier). He shoots one woman and kills her, shoots the other in the back, but then Desmond steps out and harpoons him. Desmond unties Charlie, who goes about arranging his date with destiny.

Before he goes, he makes contact with...Penny! Desmond's Penny! But...she's not on the boat. She doesn't know Parachute Woman. This is bad. The only thing that could make it worse would be if a one-eyed Russian showed up at the window with a hand grenade and blew the hatch wide open. D'oh!

Charlie makes his ultimate sacrifice, but not before warning Desmond that it's not Penny's boat. He then crosses himself, and goes off to join Frodo and Bilbo in the Undying Lands.

Jack and company make it to the tower and turn off Rousseau's message. This irritates many of Rousseau's diehard fans, who have been avid listeners for 16 years. They will probably write angry letters to the station manager, begging to have her show reinstated. Luckily, there are still several shows saved, being passed around on websites by fans.

After shutting off the signal, Parachute Woman calls her boat, but immediately experiences a sharp pain in her back. This is partially due to the amount of walking she's been doing lately, but mainly due to the large knife sticking out of her back, thrown there by Locke.

Locke seems pretty convinced that Jack shouldn't be using the phone to get them off the island. He says he's willing to shoot Jack to stop him. Jack doesn't believe him. Jack makes the call, and Locke actually backs down. Jack identifies himself, and the crew of the boat says their going to pick him up.

Speaking of Jack, we haven't discussed his flashbacks yet. Because there weren't any. We see Jack, back in L.A., a drug-using, alcoholic beaten man, barely hanging in there. He sees an obituary, and goes the funeral, which no one else attended. He calls someone to meet him. It's...Kate. And this is a flash-forward. Jack is off the island. So is Kate. Jack is having trouble dealing with things, and wants to go back. Kate seems disinterested in the idea, and doesn't even really seem to want to talk to Jack that much. She definitely expresses surprise that Jack would even think she would go to the funeral. The season ends.

So.

My thoughts (besides the absolute, utter, ultimate kickassery of this entire episode):

Ben has done many bad things, and is a bad guy. But it seems like maybe he was once somewhat good, or at least "chosen," and has lost the way. The people on the boat that are coming to rescue them? The bad guys.

What happens next? I think Desmond, seeing Charlie's note about Penny's boat, gets back to shore. He tells Sayid and company what's going on, and they radio Jack. Jack realizes that Ben and Locke are right, and trouble is coming. They quickly hide almost everyone, except for a select few who volunteer to get "rescued." This includes Jack, Kate and whoever is in the coffin. The people on the boat rescue them, take them back to society, and they get some kind of settlement for their trouble, and their silence (after all, Kate seemed to be a free woman).

However, Jack realizes Locke was right, and that now something good (the island) has been corrupted (by the people on the boat). Jack let it happen, and he feels guilty. Depending on who got left behind and who got "rescued," I think we'll see Jack and a small group return to island, with the help of Penny, to try to put things right (kind of a "Return to Gilligan's Island" type thing, minus the Globetrotters).

This is, of course, just my theory. I don't think the show could survive on "flash-forwards" forever. But it also couldn't survive on flashbacks forever either, and this kind of jump in format helps that. Perhaps the show will now move to a point where events are occuring in the present, and the flashbacks are now island events.

Whatever happens, any doubt I may have had (during parts of the second season and the beginning of this third season) have completely evaporated. I'm in for the next 48 episodes, come what may. But February is a long, long way away.

24 Day 6: How I Felt Watching the Finale

2007-05-21T23:18:00.000-05:00

Now, everybody can stop suffering.

(If it's not obvious, the picture is from "Old Yeller.")

24 Day 6: 2 a.m. to 3 a.m.

2007-05-14T11:18:00.000-05:00

Not to seem like I'm slacking here, but "24" is barely worth your time to watch anymore, which makes it even less worth writing about. Here's the gist of it:

Blah blah blah political stuff. The blond woman has to go back to her boyfriend and has to convince him they've resolved the situation. They have sex. The Vice President and company watch and listen to them having sex, apparently for around a half an hour. This is not as exciting as it sounds.

Blah blah blah Ricky Schroeder leads an assault squad to recover the...whatever it is they're after at this point...from the Chinese. Any time an assault squad goes out without Jack invovled, it turns into a crap fest. This one is no different.

Blah blah blah The Chinese attack CTU. Jack begs the guard to let him out of his cell. The guard opens the cell. Jack says "Give me a gun!" The guard gets shot and dies right in front of Jack, providing Jack a gun. And then...

For the first time in about two months, the show utterly and completely kicks ass. Jack starts motherfucking killing motherfucking terrorists. In motherfucking CTU headquarters, no less. And not just like one or two. He's motherfucking killing every single terrorist he sees. It's motherfucking awesome.

At least, it's awesome for the ten minutes or so it lasts. Then it's over. Jack surrenders, instead of using his nephew for a shield, like he would have in the old days. "It's for the good of the country!" he would have shouted, strapping his sister-in-law to his back to protect him from gunfire.

Blah blah blah The Chinese are apparently working for...Jack's dad! Who was going to kill his grandson earlier in the day, but now is...kidnapping him? From CTU headquarters? And using the Chinese to...wait, either I've missed something here, or this show has gotten completely stupid.

I'm betting on the latter.

Fuck you, "24."

Jack Bauer Kill Count (episode): Like, 6 or 8?
Jack Bauer Kill Count (season): Whatever it was when I stopped keeping track, plus these last 6 or 8.
There's No Time: Only three hours left until the long, national nightmare is over.
Characters who got killed during the episode that I forgot to mention: Milo

LOST Episode: Father's Day (not the crappy Billy Crystal/Robin Williams movie)

2007-05-07T10:23:00.000-05:00

There's a joke about "24" that goes something like "If everybody listened to Jack, the show would be called 12." In much the same manner, on "Lost," if everybody listened to Sayid, the show would be called "Found, Back at Home Safe, Also, Ben and the Others Got the Holy Hell Knocked Out of Them and the Dharma Initiative Was Completely Dismantled."

This was a Locke flashback episode. However, instead of flashing back into his pre-island past, we get to see what he's been up to lately. And what has he been up to lately? Well, hanging out with the Others, for one thing. And his dad. His dad, who showed up on the island out of the "magic box." This, Ben explains, is a metaphor. There's no real "magic box." It's actually more of a magic "cubicle." It's not enclosed, like a box would be.

Anyway, Locke's dad is being held by the Others, and Ben wants Locke to kill his dad. Locke has many reasons to kill his dad: Stealing Locke's kidney, throwing Locke out of an eight story window, never sending a birthday card, etc. But Locke isn't a killer (we've seen that before, in the flashback where Locke was part of the pot-growing commune). That is, of course, unless the island demands a sacrifice (Ask Boone). So since it's Ben, and not the island, that's demanding a sacrifice, Locke is reluctant to kill his dad.

That is, until he's approached by another member of the Others. This is the same man that recruited Juliet to come to the island. He comes to sit down next to Locke and chat about his dad. The conversation goes something like this:

Guy: Hello, Locke. We need to talk.

Locke: Good lord, you have an exceptional amount of eyeshadow on.

Guy: That's not really important. I want to show you something.

Locke: Is it your make-up case? Because, seriously, you are really dolled up.

Guy: Just read the file! (storms off)

Locke: (reading) Hmmm...printouts of internet message board speculation that my father is the original Sawyer. THANK YOU, PRETTY MAN!

Meanwhile, back on the beach, Desmond, Hurley, Jin and Charlie are harboring their newfound refugee, Parachute Girl. Parachute Girl has a satellite phone, and a ship waiting for her just 80 miles or so away from the island. This sounds like it could work. They're so close to getting off the island! Who's going to be the Gilligan to ruin things?

Jack. Jack is going to be the Gilligan to ruin things. Fortunately, they all know this, so they keep her away from Jack. They tell Sayid, though, because, slowly, everyone is starting to realize that Sayid needs to be the one who will, metaphorically speaking, smack Gilligan over the head with his sailor cap.

The best part of Sayid being introduced to Parachute Girl is that he doesn't trust her. Sayid doesn't trust anybody. When he talks to himself he mutters "How do I know I'm not lying?" Parachute Girl tells them the wreckage of 815 was found, bodies and everything. So they're dead. THEY'RE DEAD! THEY'RE IN PURGATORY, OR HEAVEN, OR HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Locke's Dad subscribes to the Hell theory. He even tells Locke that they're in Hell. He's also anxious to die. I'm unsure why he's so anxious to die, if he's sure he's in Hell. If he's actually in Hell, and the worst thing that's happening to him is that he's chained up, King Kong style, in the middle of a jungle...well, let's just say he's getting off easy. Not burning flesh, no organs being eaten by birds, no pushing a rock up a hill forever? Just chained up? Sure, your arms get tired, but, given the alternatives, is it really that bad?

And what does he think is going to happen if Locke kills him? If he's dead, and in Hell, then...he's already dead. And in Hell. If he gets killed, it's just going to start all over again. Maybe worse. It's not like if you die in Hell, you come back to life. Or maybe you do. Maybe that's where zombies come from. And if there was a television show described as "A spin-off of 'Lost' where the dead characters rise again, back in their original settings, but this time, as flesh-eating zombies!", I would watch it. Unless Nicki and Paulo were on it.

Locke convinces Sawyer to come with him, under the pretense that Locke has kidnapped Ben. Sawyer walks barefoot through the jungle, John McClane style. They arrive at...the Black Rock! Remember that? There's still pieces of Arnzt everywhere.

Tied up in the brig is Locke's dad. Locke locks Sawyer in the brig with his dad, and sits outside. He waits, whistling innocently, whittling, talking to Rousseau. Wait, Rousseau? What's she doing there? I thought she didn't like coming to the "dark territory?" Ah, she's just picking up her supply of 150-year old dynamite. Wait, dynamite? What's she doing with all that dynamite?

Sawyer and Locke have a nice little discussion that, in all seriousness, results in the best scene of the year, and one of the best of the entire series. For what believe is the first time, we actually see a character arc come to a close and tie up a story. Sawyer chokes the life out of Locke's dad, Jabba the Hutt-style.

Locke and Sawyer say their goodbyes. Locke gives Sawyer a tape, indicating that Juliet is a mole.

Sawyer: Yeah, everybody but the stupidest people back on the beach have figured that out by now.

Locke: Oh, you mean Jack?

Sawyer: Yeah, Jack.

Jack, who has been something of an arrogant douchebag since his return to the beach, continues this tradition. Kate, who for whatever reason is still pining after him, goes to him and tells him he's being a douchebag. Juliet (who's makeup also looks remarkably fabulous for someone stranded on an island), asks Jack "Should we tell her...dum dum dum!...the plan?" Jack responds by saying "No, it's not time to mention...dum dum DUM!...the plan!" Kate just looks back and forth between them and says "Fuck your plan; you're a douchebag. That's why nobody told you about Parachute Girl with Satellite Phone! (her full character name)"

Jack wants to know about this phone. But how does the phone relate...dum dum dum! The plan? And what of Parachute Girl? Traitor, or actual savior? Speaking of saviors, where is Locke going? He said he's on his own journey, and he's bearing the sins of the father as the cross on his shoulders in such a literal way, the entire scene threatens to collapse from Metaphor Overload.

Also, seriously, where was Rousseau going with that dynamite?

Next week: Dharma Flashback!

24 Day 6: 1 a.m. to 2 a.m.

2007-05-01T22:30:00.000-05:00

I want you to keep in mind that I have a Tivo. This allows me to pause, rewind or fast forward television shows I have recorded. Which means last week, when my friend Kevin called during "Lost," it wasn't that big of a deal, despite the fact that after a few minutes I said "Well, that sounds interesting, Kevin, but 'Lost' is on." Kevin knows I have a Tivo, but doesn't watch "Lost," so he can't truly understand.

What does this have to do with "24?" Well, here's what happened while I was watching this week's episode: I fixed myself a snack, cleaned out a closet, and had a conversation with my cousin, Courtney, about the "funniest movie that is going to come out all year" ("Hot Fuzz," according to her. Quick sidenote about that: If you enjoyed "Shaun of the Dead" and "Hot Fuzz," you owe to yourself to track down their TV series "Spaced."). At any time, I could have paused "24," or at least rewound to the parts I missed. But you know what? I just didn't care.

Let's see...The Chinese and their comical accents have the chip and are on the run. Jack is the only one who can talk to Audrey. The Almighty Division has sent a psychiatrist to talk to Audrey ("I'm in charge here!"). Ricky Schroeder isn't that bad of a guy after all. Morris and Chloe don't wait for lunchtime to break up in the cafeteria; they do their big melodramatic break up right outside the classroom (possibly in the same place Milo and Nadia had their big make out scene a few hours ago).

There are two notable quotes from this episode. One is from Jack. "I know how it feels. It feels like it's never going to end." Yes, Jack, we all know how that feels. From about the time Jack's dad left the show this season, this show has turned into utter monkey crap. Why monkey crap? Because it's somehow more insulting than just mere crap. It's like one step lower on the evolutionary ladder crap. Plus, since we're watching, it's like the monkeys are actually flinging the crap directly at us, in our living rooms.

The other notable quote is Heller (where the fuck did he come from?) talking to Jack: "Everything you touch turns to death." Very true. Sometimes metaphorically true, like Jack's personal life, his relationship with his daughter, Audrey's well-being, etc. And sometimes literally true, like, say Curtis. Did Curtis really get killed by Jack this season. Was that just this morning?

Speaking of notable quotes, here's one: "Let's face it — 24 simply ain't what it used to be. Granted, living up to last season's benchmark was a near-impossible feat, but still... this season has been lambasted by many for being highly derivative of 'days' gone by and even harder-to-believe than expected. Addressing the backlash, executive producer Howard Gordon tells the Los Angeles Times, 'It hurts to hear the criticism,' then goes on to say that such words which haven't killed Jack Bauer will only make him stronger next timer around. 'It's been a challenging season to write... but it's reinvigorated our determination to reinvent the show,' says Gordon. 'This year could be... the last iteration of its current state.' "

That's from TV Guide. You know, I don't know if something drastic is really needed. I think they just need to start...having Kiefer Sutherland in the fucking show he stars in and produces! Is that really that hard of a concept to figure out?

Producer 1: Hey, people really like it when Jack hurts bad guys in new and inventive ways.

Producer 2: Yeah, they do. Let's make this season almost entirely focused on the White House! Even though we made the mistake of killing the likable President Palmer, let's make his brother President. Remember, the character nobody liked?

Producer 3: Awesome idea! It'll be like "West Wing," but terrible! Is there any way we can make it worse?

Producer 2: Let's throw in a bunch of characters that nobody knows and nobody cares about! Like Nadia! And Milo! People have been clamoring for his return since Season One!

Producer 1: Um...did you hear what I said about Jack?

Producer 2: Oooh, I just had another idea. Let's make the action character a blond-haired, washed-up star from the 80's, that nobody would ever think for an action character role.

Producer 1: You're talking about Kiefe...

Producer 3: Rick Schroeder! He'd be great! Plus, we can make it look like he's this tough guy, and he's always breaking the rules, but inside, he's doing it for the greater good.

Producer 2: I love it.

Producer 3: I love it.

Producer 1: I still get a paycheck for this right?

Producers 2 and 3: Of course!

Producer 1: I love it.

(Producer 1 has been played by Kiefer Sutherland.)

NEXT WEEK: The Chinese get their bomb going, and it looks like they're probably going to blow something up. It's probably CTU headquarters, simply because that is the absolute last plot point that hasn't been rehashed during this terrible, terrible season.

Jack Bauer Kill Count (episode): 42 minutes of my precious time.
Jack Bauer Kill Count (season): But at least I got my closet cleaned.
There's No Time: Jack actually said "We're out of time!" at one point, but unfortunately, there was still about 15 minutes left to go.

HEROES: Apparently Peter Isn't the Only One Copying Things

2007-04-30T22:38:00.000-05:00

This

plus this

equals tonight's

Sorry, I don't usually like to be too negative about "Heroes," but, as exciting as this episode was, it kind of left a bad taste in my mouth. They really, really, REALLY "borrowed" pretty heavily from "X-Men" storylines and "Matrix" visuals. I mean, Peter is pretty annoying anyway, but trying to emulate Keanu Reeves? That makes things almost unbearable.

It's five years in the future. The "bomb" has gone off in New York City, killing millions, and leveling buildings everywhere, including the headquarters of Marvel Comics, which means a copyright infringement lawsuit is the least of their worries.

Hiro and Ando are in Isaac's apartment, along with Future Hiro. In 2012, everyone dresses like it's 1999, shortly after "The Matrix" came out. Soul patches are apparently even in style, at least among brooding superheroes.

Speaking of brooding, they go to see Peter, but he's apparently, at this point in timeline, absorbed not only everyone's powers, but every emo band's attitude as well. And if you've turned on the radio lately, you know that's a lot. Peter's powers/attitude apparently increase exponentially, meaning that the more powerful he gets, the more sensitive and whiny he gets as well. For the record, I strongly dislike Peter.

Not nearly as strongly as I dislike Mohinder, however. His name is a derivative of the word "hinder," which means "obstruct, or get in the way of," as in, "to obstruct a television show from being good simply by appearing on it and speaking." While we're at it, another definition of "hinder" is "a shitty, shitty rock band."

Mo the Hinderer is still around in the future, serving as President (gasp!) Petrelli's...something. Advisor? Despite all of the changes everyone else has gone through, Hinder still speaks in boring exposition. Petrelli has worked to contain people with powers, and now has decided to eliminate them. Classic case of self-loathing.

Matt Parkman and The Haitian (which is a superhero name akin to The Shadow, but much, much sillier) are now working for Homeland Security. They apprehend the Hiro from our time (let's, for the sake of argument and geekiness, call him Hiro from Earth 1; if you don't understand, ask a comic book geek to explain it to you. Stop him before he goes too far into detail and tries to tell you that I'm not actually usually the Earth-1/Earth-2 comparison correctly.). Earth-2 Hiro and Ando flee.

They flee to Peter, who is apparently now hooked up with Jessica. She has apparently channelled her powers into being able to cry on cue. She does this often. Peter sits around and looks scarred and mopey. Mainly mopey.

Speaking of the scar, doesn't he heal? Does he purposely wear the scar as a reminder?

Getting no help from Fallout Boy (Get it?), they go to see Claire's dad. Not Claire's real dad, which would be Nathan. Of course, Nathan wouldn't even be...well, we're getting ahead of ourselves here.

Claire's dad is helping to hide harmless superpowered kids from a government that wants them registered. He turns over the dangerous ones to Parkman. There's a lot of vague justifications and reasoning going on here, but it's best just to skip all that. Parkman is looking for Claire.

Claire, if you remember, is the cheerleade. They were supposed to save her. By doing so, they were supposed to save the world. Remember? However, were they really supposed to save her so she could end up with that dopey guy? I mean, really?

Claire gets taken to see her father. Nathan goes off on this really kind of psychotic speech, which seems pushing it for his character, regardless of what set him off. Ah, but here comes the best moment of the night. It's not Nathan, it's really Sylar! He's a shapeshifter now, and has been playing Nathan for a while now. So THAT'S what he was painting last week, after he killed Isaac.

The rest of the episode plays out pretty much like "The Matrix." The bad guys are holding a person important to the resistance movement hostage in a building (Earth-1 Hiro). The good guys (Peter, Earth-2 Hiro, and Ando) stroll into the lobby of the building, wearing black trenchcoats, and proceed to kick ass. I'd like to get excited by it, but it's just so blatant. All I could do is say "Whoa."

Hindaar the Barbarian does the only useful thing he's done all season and kills the Haitian. The Haitian dies silently, apparently forgetting it was revealed he could speak, five years and several episodes ago. This allows Peter and Earth-2 Hiro to use their powers. Of course, Sylar flies in to cause trouble, and Peter and Sylar get in the World's Greatest Superhero Fight That Nobody Gets To See. The one notable thing Sylar says is that Nathan sold out his kind long before Sylar assumed his identity.

Earth-1 Hiro and Ando teleport out, just as things are getting good. They manage to go back in time to the precise moment they need to be at. Hiro has a mission; he knows, now, what he must do. It will not be easy, but it must be done. He has traveled back in time and knows who he must see; he must go forward adn confront this person, because everyone's fate is depending on him.

He must travel to 1962, one year before Jack Kirby and Stan Lee create "The X-Men," and write all of their stories first. In this way, NBC can't be sued for plagiarism.

LOST Episode: She's Having My Ba...Holy Shit, It's the Eyepatch Guy

2007-04-26T16:44:00.000-05:00

When we last left "Lost" (You want alliteration? I got alliteration!), Desmond, Charlie, Jin and Hurley had just rescued another new character (Hooray! I hope she can one day live up to the high standards set by Ana Lucia, Nikki and Paulo). Juliet was now living on the beach (Which makes total sense, because it worked out so well last time, with Ethan). Jack had returned as the Fearless Leader. And Locke was...somewhere, with the Others.

This episode's flashback featured Sun and Jin. I don't if they show Sun and Jin episodes at the same time each year, but every time I watch one, my allergies start acting up. My nose gets all sniffly, my eyes get teary, I kind of get choked a little...something in the air, I suppose.

In the flashback, we see Sun being blackmailed by Jin's mom. Sorry if you wanted me to wait for the big reveal as long as they did in the episode, but I can't imagine that anybody didn't figure that out the millisecond they started talking about his family. His mom threatenes to reveal that Jin's mom was a whore, and his dad was a fisherman. I know little of other cultures, but are those two really of equivalent levels of shame?

Korean Man 1: Your mother was a whore!

Korean Man 2: How dare you?

Korean Man 1: And your father was a fisherman!

Korean Man 2: That does it! I will feed you to the monster from The Host! (As stated earlier, my knowledge of other cultures is at a minimum, as witnessed here by the fact that my only two touchstones of life in Korea are from the characters on "Lost" and a monster movie import).

Back on the beach, Jack asks Sun how her pregnancy is going. Are you sick? Are you bleeding? Are you dying? Sun asks Kate if she's noticed Jack acting more "douchey" than normal. Kate says, no, he's still the same "douchey" guy he's been since he came back from the Others camp, with an Other as his new girlfriend. "He's probably just worried because you're pregnant and pregnant women die on this island."

Well, you know pregnant women and their moods. Sun gets all moody and storms over to Juliet. She proceeds to "go all Sayid" on her, demanding answers. She rattles off a couple of good questions, but the only one Juliet answers is "Pregnant women die on this island." Yeah, we got that much, thanks.

Meanhwile, as Desmond and company are trying to figure out who the parachute woman is, brother. She knows Desmond, but Desmond doesn't know who she is, brother. She crashed with a satellite phone, which obviously doesn't work, a picture of Desmond, brother, and a copy of Catch-22 in a foregin language.

She's hurt, and they need to get her some help, or she'll die. They all think she could be their ticket off the island. Why they think someone with a stick in their lung who has just parachuted from a helicopter that crashed into the ocean can help them get off the island is anyone's guess. Brother.

Well, who should come running out the woods but...Rousseau! No, wait. Holy shit, it's the Eyepatch Guy, Mikhail. You know, the dead one. Except he looks pretty healthy. That is, he looks pretty healthy unti Jin kicks the holy, ever-loving, honest-to-God, no-holds-barred crap out of the guy. Of course, he has medical training, and offers his help in return for his freedom.

Is it just me, or was the woman speaking several different languages? Spanish, then Italian, then finally English for the big reveal...which we'll get to in a moment.

Juliet takes Sun to the Baby Hatch. It's different from other hatches in that it's not only incredibly creepy looking, but also has the vibe of dead pregnant women who met terrible ends in that very hatch. But it has stuffed animals, so that helps offset the otherwise grim mood.

We find out Sun got pregnant...on the island. Which means the guy she slept with isn't the baby's father. Which means it's Jin's child. Hooray! Oh wait, that means she's going to die. Women who get pregnant on the island are apparently fated to die, while those who come to the island pregnant end up allright. The one lingering question I have (but am too lazy to look up) is does this information contradict Rousseau's backstory?

Also, even though Jin was shooting blanks, the island has amazing healing powers. It can send men's sperm count through the roof. It can heal Locke's legs. It can...bring Mikhail back to life?

No. In fact, it's time ditch the recap and get on with the questions.

First, is Kate going to end up pregnant by Sawyer?

Second, did Mikhail come back from the dead? I'm assuming that since the actors who play Boone, Shannon, Nikki, Paulo, Mr. Eko, Ana Lucia, Libby, Ethan and Arntz aren't scheduled to become regulars again, the answer is "No." Here's the actual theory to go along with that:

Locke and Mikhail meet. They are like-minded in their devotion to the island, but held back by their respective groups. They decide to fake Mikhail's death. Why was Locke so bloodthirsty to kill Mikhail? Where did he get the C4 from? Wasn't it all downstairs, while Locke stayed upstairs the whole time? Haven't the Others been known to use stage makeup before? Why not blood/foam capsules to simulate Mikhail's death? Also, does the fence really affect people at all, or just the smoke monster? After all, it's like a ten foot fence, which is fine, except for the fact that the smoke monster could easily fly over it. Unless it's an invisible "dome," and Kate and company passed right through it harmlessly.

The end proved to be something of a shocker, or was at least intended that way. New Character Parachuter tells Hurley that Flight 815 crashed, and they recovered the wreckage. Nobody survived.

The internet obviously exploded after this little tidbit, althought I don't think it's nearly as ominous as it sounds. Some people are saying "Clones!" Others are saying "Purgatory!" First of all, the "Clones" theory is stupid because if they're clones, why tell everyone that there were no survivors of the crash? Just clone 'em, let the originals do their thing, and let the clones live on the island.

As for Purgatory, well...there are several holes in that theory. I realize I may not be the first person to ask on matters regarding the Bible; however, I have read a little bit of both Dante and Milton. While these mortal poets were fairly prolific in their writings of immortal realms, neither of them ever mention having to reach Purgatory through a submarine. It just doesn't work like that. As far as I remember, nobody ever "crash-landed" into purgatory. Knowing the answer to "What did one snowman say to another snowman?" is not a condition of being absolved of your sins and passing into Heaven. It just doesn't work like that. Or if it does, well, it's probably safe to say most of the major religions have got a lot of things wrong.

Safer to say is the theory that whoever the Others/Dharma is connected to is just simply powerful enough to be able cover up an entire plane full of passengers going missing. As in "Hey, this plane crashed on the island. We'll need some of these people, so cover it up." It does beg the question of what happens when they say "Everybody died!" and Michael and Walt show up, Monty Python style "We're not quite dead yet. We're getting bettah!"

Next week, we find out about Locke and his dad. My money is on the theory that Locke's dad is the "orginal Sawyer."

Tenacious D Makes American Idol Momentarily Tolerable

2007-04-25T21:14:00.000-05:00

My wife summoned me into the living room, despite the fact that I could clearly hear the loathsome voice of Satan's mouthpiece, Ryan Seacrest, oozing from our television.

"Watch," She commanded, as if I have nothing better to do than partake in American Idol. I had better things I could be doing, such as gouging out my eyes with rusty spoons.

I watched anyway, and to my surprise, Jack Black came on stage. Then he started singing Seal's "Kiss From a Rose." It was pretty funny, despite the fact that it's the same kind of schtick he does anywhere, anytime. What really sold it was that Kyle Gass, Black partner in Tenacious D, was in the crowd, mooning over him like a schoolgirl, grasping a rose.

The judges, of course, hated him. Paula Abdul quipped "The School of Rock called. They want their diploma back." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Shut up, Paula. Simon noted Black was "better than Sanjaya." Cut away quickly to...Sanjaya! Laughing his idiot head off! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA "I'm popular!" He thinks to himself, "Just like William Hung!"

To really put the joke over the top, Seal was actually in attendance. He called Black's performance "The best version of 'Kiss From A Rose' I've ever seen!" Pretty funny, actually.

If I wasn't in such a good mood (because "Lost" is on shortly), I probably would have taken the approach of "Jesus Christ, Tenacious D has really fucking sold out." But, it's almost quarter after nine, which means my Tivo has just about enough buffer to watch "Lost" commercial free. So...bye.

Actually, one more thing. As entertaining as it actually was, what would have been more entertaining would have been if they'd actually performed as Tenacious D. Seeing The D rock out to "Tribute" or "Sasquatch" would have made that whole show actually worthwhile.

24 Day 6: Midnight to 1 a.m.

2007-04-24T21:04:00.001-05:00

Bill Buchanan, Head of CTU: I thought you'd retired.

Me: No. Not after this. I'm back in.

Bill: What do you mean?

Me: I mean, this show sucks. Hard. What the fuck happened, Bill?

Bill: Yeah, this season does pretty much lick balls.

I'm currently working on getting my foot surgically removed from my mouth, since, at the beginning of the season, I remarked to someone, regarding "24," that this could "potentially be the best season yet." I mean, look what happened. A nuclear bomb detonated in Los Angeles. Jack's brother ended up being the head of the Shadow Conspiracy Nerds from last season. Plus, Jack's Dad ended up being Farmer Hoggett, Super Mega Leader of the Shadow Conspiracy Nerds. Jack had some kind of past dealings with his sister-in-law. There was an interesting former terrorist helping Jack. Jack had to shoot Curtis! The bad guys were led by Boris the Bullet Dodger. Chloe was...Chloe. Jack killed a guy by ripping the guy's neck out...with his teeth! Why go on? Just reread that last sentence as much as you need to fully understand the utter awesomeness with which this season started.

Where did it all go wrong?

I think it went wrong somewhere around the time they decided to make Jack a secondary character on his own show. Now, you can try to make the claim that it's not Jack, but an entire ensemble that makes the show work. You, of course, would be horribly wrong by making this claim, but you can make it anyway. This show is about Jack. Period. It's about Jack hurting bad guys in terrible, terrible ways. When Jack is going to face some bad guys and he's got a gun, it's good. When Jack is going to face some bad guys WITHOUT a gun, it's awesome.

Plus, if you think this show is an ensemble show, then perhaps they need to stop killing people off on a whim. It's no longer shocking; now, it's just stupid. Tony went out like a punk. Michelle went out like a background character. Edgar...whatever. Then, this season, Curtis gets taken out in the first four hours. BY JACK.

(Here's a quick sidenote that I was thinking about, but I'm too lazy to look up details. So if you want to correct me or support me, feel free. Jack has referred to Curtis and Bill as good friends on a couple of different occasions. But, if I remember correctly, Jack was not working for CTU when either of those two were. In fact, the only time Jack has worked with them are on the days that seasons 4 and 5 take place. So really, he's not "good friends" with them, is he? He's worked with them 2 days out of, like, 4 years. I can't remember the names of my co-workers, and I see them daily. But Jack is good friends with people he's only worked with twice?)

After killing off everybody, Jack is left alone. Besides Chloe. Then, this season, Ricky Schroeder rides his toy train into the living room of CTU. He's kind of like Mini-Jack. He's blond and talks tough and apparently likes to rough people up. But he's just not convincing enough. He needs to bring in his partner, Agent Alfonso Ribeiro, to liven things up. Perhaps Mr. T can be part of their squad as well.

Plus, we get to watch the show slowly turn from an action show to a version of "The West Wing." Except this version of "The West Wing" doesn't feature interesting characters, realistic dialogue, or even a vague understanding of how the American system of government actually works. As a bonus, it doesn't have any of the pretentiousness of "The West Wing," so it does have that going for it.

This episode opens with Jack leaving Ricky Schroeder behind. Jack is going to deliver a component to the Chinese in order to free Audrey. Of course, he's not really going to deliver it. Everybody is ok with this, until Vice President Evil takes over as acting President. Powers Boothe has delivered a performance this season rivaled only by Snidely Whiplash. He literally growls every line. And, obviously, he doesn't like Jack.

Which means (YAAAAAAAAWWWWWNNNNNN), Jack has gone rogue. Again. Now everybody is scrambling to stop Jack. Again.

Also, as usual, the grade school bickering that defines CTU is in full effect. Morris and Chloe are arguing, and they're dragging Milo into it. It does result in Chloe in saying "Don't be jealous. Don't arm nuclear weapons for terrorists." OOOOH, SNAP! What a burn! Despite the fact that they're using an event that threatened the lives of millions of people as ammunition in their marital spat.

Karen gets interrogated, concerning her husband's (Bill's) role in apprehending Fayed at one time, and letting him go. 12 hours ago, this was a big deal. Now, apparently, she doesn't think it's as big of a deal. You know, in the same way Jack's dad being the head of an international evil conspiracy is also not a big deal, nor is the fate of a former President who was stabbed by his wife. Life moves on pretty fast in the 24 world. Let's try not to dwell on small details.

What else? Morris goes crying to Bill to be transferred. Karen fires Bill. Bill gets to do the famous CTU "Walk of Shame." Nadia takes over. Everyone is shocked, because they actually made it about 18 hours into the day, and this is the first change of leadership; a new record for CTU.

There's a big firefight at the end, but nobody cares at this point. The bad guy escapes, taking the chip or operating system or whatever it is with him. Audrey is safe, but all she can say is "Don't let them do this to me, Jack!" I'm assuming she's talking about letting them drag her into this shitty, shitty, season.

Next week's preview: More crap.

Jack Bauer Kill Count (episode): No one cares.
Jack Bauer Kill Count (season): Whatever.
There's No Time: Unfortunately, there's plenty of time. To do something besides watch this.

Read the Blog. Save the World.

2007-04-23T22:05:00.000-05:00

It's the moment people have been waiting for for months now. After an excruciating wait, it's time for an event so monumental, it can barely be contained. So brace yourself, and get ready for the excitement. Because the Slowly Boiling Frog blog is back up and running.

Oh, also, "Heroes" came back last night.

The episode opened with a voice-over by The Big Bad Guy, Linderman. This is already a marked improvement from past episodes, where every episode had a voice-over by Mohinder. Mohinder super power, if you'll remember, is to bore people to death with his expositional dialogue. Linderman, however, is a much more exciting speaker. After all, looking at his IMBD.com resume, you'll find his voice was also used in "Biker Mice From Mars" and "The Magic School Bus." I have no idea what either one of those things are, but I'm glad the main villain in one of my favorite TV shows also provided a voice from something called "The Magic School Bus." It makes him that much more menacing. Or something.

Obviously, he's known for more than just this. He was also Soran in "Star Trek: Generations," also known as "Star Trek: The One Where You Think It's Going T0 Be Good Because Kirk Dies, But It's Still Boring." Anyway, Linderman has a plan. What is the plan? The plan is apparently to rip off Alan Moore's comic book masterpiece The Watchmen. Seriously. And not just a little bit, either. Not like, an homage, which is a French word which means "Giving credit to the source you've ripped off so it doesn't look like you've ripped it off." Again, let me say that if you are remotely interested in "Heroes," you absolutely must read The Watchmen.

Linderman explains to Nathan that he has a plan. It involves blowing up New York, rallying behind a leader, and a ham-handed segue into a discussion about "healing." This is done so Linderman can show that, he too, has super powers.

I must address something before we move on. In the beginning, it seemed as if there were a small amount of people with powers in the world. However, as the series progresses, almost everyone with a significant amount of screen time now has some sort of power. It's much like in the movie "Highlander," where it seems as if there, maybe, ten Immortals living in the world, moving towards the Gathering. Then the series came around, and there were so many Immortals, they were actually classified as a minority group on government hiring forms.

So Linderman has powers. He can heal things. He can also speak in that refined, upper class villain style we've been subjected to since Alan Rickman did it so well in "Die Hard."

Meanwhile, our original Big Bad Guy, Claire's dad, has been captured by his former partner...Eric Roberts. He wants to know what's happened to Claire. Roberts threatens him by forcing him to watch some of Roberts' direct-to-DVD features. Even this doesn't break Claire's dad.

Claire's dad decides to use Psychic Cop Matt Parkman to help them all escape. Summoning his knowledge of music trivia, Claire's dad utilizes the messaging technique first made famous in Tony Orlando and Dawn's "Knock Three Times." Luckily, Claire's dad knows Parkman's cell very well, even to the point of knowing which pipe is rusty enough to break off and use as a weapon.

You'd think, since he used to be running this place, that if Claire's dad knew that pipe was in such bad condition, he would have had it repaired long ago. Even if he didn't think it could one day be used as a weapon, he'd at least want to have it fixed just for general safety purposes. Or maybe he considered the idea that one day, he'd be captured by his former agency, along with a psychic cop, and would be forced to implement a plan involving setting off an EMP with the help of a guy who can create nuclear explosions with his hands, so he'd just leave the pipe there...just in case.

Let's not forget about Peter Petrelli. When we last saw him, he was unfortunately attempting to stop Sylar from murdering from Mohinder. To be fair, Mohinder had tied Sylar up and lectured him for hours on end. And seriously, if I had to listen to Mohinder for that long, I'd want to kill him too.

Sylar and Peter step up for some serious superheroic ass-kicking. There's telekinesis. There's invisibility. There's...Peter getting a glass shard in the back of his head. This is no big deal, because, only moments before, we saw Peter heal from a Sylar-inflicted injury. So a glass shard isn't going to be a big deal, since we saw Claire heal from something similar to this early in the season.

Meanwhile (as they say in the comic books), Nikki/Jessica and DL are doing what most superpowered folk do; arguing. She wants to continue on with a life of crime. He doesn't. Considering she can kick all kinds of ass and he can phase through solid objects, there are about fifty thousand different things I'd rather see them doing than arguing over their stupid kid (who, obviously, also has superpowers).

Back in New York, Mohinder stops Sylar by recapping the plot thus far. This actually renders Sylar unconcsious, giving Mohinder time to drag Peter's corpse away from his apartment. Now, admittedly, being someone who lives in a small town in the Midwest, I'm unsure what it's like to live in a big city, like New York. However, I'm going to guess that even in New York, someone dragging a bloody corpse through the streets is going to get at least a second look. How did he get Peter to the car? Did they take a cab? Did he enlist the help of Johnathan Silver and Andrew McCarthy to get Peter around?

Regardless, Mohinder follows the first rule of etiquette when dealing with someone's death, and that is by dumping their corpse on their mother's living room floor. "Sorry," he says, which helps lessen the blow. "I didn't know what else to do," He adds, completely taking away her sorrow and shock. She thanks him pleasantly, offers him tea, and they have a good laugh at her new living room decoration.

Nathan shows up later, sobbing. This is because he is so severly jet-lagged, after making it back from Las Vegas faster than even Hiro could. Nathan cries, while every single person watching sits there and thinks to themselves "How long is it going to be before someone pulls the piece of glass out of the back of his head?" Of course, if you're like me, you add "...and sticks it into Mohinder mouth" to the end of that sentence.

Fortunately, Claire, who is Nathan's daughter and Peter's niece, finds the piece of glass. In true Arthurian fashion, she grasps the blade and slides it effortlessly out of the rock-hard skull of Peter, thus annointing her the once and future...something. This allows Peter, Nathan, Claire and Mrs. Petrelli to have a nice big family moment, which includes Mrs. Petrelli revealing that she has know about their abilities for a long time. Which, you know, might have been helpful, say, THIS WHOLE FUCKING TIME. I mean, she even hints that she might have some sort of ability. Of course. Her superpower is to look shrill 100% of the time.

Let's see, what else? Nathan apparently is willing to help Linderman, to a certain extent. After all, that promise of Presidency seems awfully alluring to him. Claire's dad, along with Parkman and Nuclear Hands guy, escape to a diner (probably the same diner Hiro and Ando were in for a while, but frankly, I don't feel like looking it up), after completing the most improbable escape in the history of improbable escapes. Nikki/Jessica tells Linderman that she doesn't want her son involved in his schemes. Yet, two scenes later, we see her sending him away Linderman! That doesn't make sense, even for...oh, wait, it's not really Nikki/Jessica; it's that girl who can morph into other people, but always morphs back into a hot chick wearing a sexy plaid, schoolgirlesque skirt.

In the end, Sylar shows up at Isaac's (aka, Tortured Artist) apartment. Sylar kills Isaac and takes his powers. Again, if Sylar's goals include killing Isaac, Peter and Mohinder...well, let's just say it's getting harder to root against him.

Post-script: Five years from now. Hiro and Ando are in a New York City devastated by a nuclear explosion. Thankfully, after all this destruction, the electricity is still on. They flip on a light and enter Isaac's apartment. They find clothesline strung across the place, with clippings of major events dangling from them. These include things "Petrelli Elected!" and "New York City Destroyed By Nuclear Holocaust; Mayor Vows to Keep Electricity on in Non-Essential Buildings." While Hiro and Ando are looking around, they hear someone draw a sword. Hiro puts his hand on his sword. Ando, in a slightly more practical move, draws his gun. They come face to face with...

There. That was to try to demonstrate how it felt when my stupid fucking DirectTV brand DVR cut off the last thirty seconds of the damn show tonight. Thankfully, my official Tivo brand DVR in the other room got it all.

Anyway, it's Hiro from "Days of Future Past" (look it up if you don't get it). He informs them that next week's episode is apparently what comic book fans would refer to as a "What If?" story. These were stories like "What if Bruce Wayne's parents were never murdered?" and "What if Superman's rocket landed in Russia and he was raised by hardcore communists?" and "What if they made a Hulk movie that didn't absolutely suck?" Plus, while we're talking about "Days of Future Past," next week's "Heroes" not only continues to rip off The Watchmen, but also looks like it takes a fair swipe from the "X-Men" movies.

Heroes: Back Issue Sale!

2007-02-05T22:04:00.000-06:00

Let's break out the boards and bags, and box up a couple of "Heroes" episodes before the new one hits!

Hiro is slowly losing his powers. He believes he needs to find the sword to restore his ability. He discovers the sword used to belong to a famous warrior, which also gave him power. Hiro uses his ability to at least slow time down so he can steal the sword. He's worried because Isaac painted a picture of him facing off against a T-Rex. This scene is recreated when he comes face to face with a T-Rex replica in the museum. Is this a cheap way out? Maybe. But, in the painting, Hiro had the actual sword unsheathed, and this time, he's only holding the scabbard. Hmm...
It turns out it's not the real sword anyway. It's merely a replica, provided by Linderman. Linderman is a apparently a multi-millionaire, that seems to be gathering more and more connections to all the heroes. It would not surprise me if he is the person Claire's father is answering to. It would also not surprise me if his first name ended up being "Lex," given the writers' proclivity for "homaging" things from comic books.
Nikki/Jessica has turned herself in. She's discovered the drugs keep her Dark Phoenix personality under wraps, so she wants to stay on the drugs until she's "healed." D.L. is having trouble getting a job and raising Micah, and he goes to visit her. The guards don't seem to notice a man phasing his hand through solid glass, even though they are watching her like a hawk.
Micah gets some money for them because he can "fix" things, like ATM machines. D.L. has a look on his face which says "How did you do this?" while also saying "How do we get more?"
Mohinder continues to suck the life out of every goddamn scene he's in.
Matt the Psychic Cop stages a raid on Claire's father's paper company to find Sylar. Instead, they find...paper! The Haitian is continuing to block Matt's psychic probing. However, the Haitian does seem to be playing a little of both sides, as he was supposed to wipe Claire's memory, but instead is helping her.
Claire reconnects with her friend, who's been off the show just long enough for me to have forgotten his name. She again shares her secret, and they become friends. Also, if she needs to get int touch with the Haitian, he gives her a special signal. All she needs to do is tape an "X" in her window, and Deep Throat will...er, actually, hang some chimes, and the Haitian will contact her.
Then there's Peter and Nathan. Peter runs into an invisible man, played by Dr. Who. Apparently, given his looks, he can't turn invisible at will. Although, he's seen stealing money, which, if you think about it, doesn't make a lot of sense. I guess for vending machines? Peter tries to get him to help, but Dr. Who runs off.
Later, Nathan comes to try to help Peter, and Mohinder comes along, apparently to annoy me. In a very cool scene, Peter flees, apparently running right past a guard who doesn't see him. Nathan and Mohinder come out, see the open window, and ask the guard why he didn't stop him. The guard says "Who?" This is dumb, even by "Heroes" standards. UNTIL...we see that Dr. Who has grabbed Peter, and Peter's power-absorbing power has kicked in, rendering him insivisible.
Thanks to the Haitian, Claire contacts her real mother. Claire supposedly died in an explosion when she was young, but her power saved her. And her mother is...a fire-starter. Which probably explains how the explosion happened.
The previews for tonight's episode promise to reveal Claire's father. My money is on Linderman.
Speaking of fathers, Hiro's father shows up to try to stop him on his quest. His father is played by George Takei. Oh my. (That last line is only funny if you've ever heard Takei on the "Howard Stern Show.)

24 Day 6: 11 a.m. - 12 p.m.

2007-02-05T21:54:00.000-06:00

Jack beats up his brother.
His brother spills the beans.
The President's sister's husband's plotline comes to an abrupt and pointless end (how do we like them apples?).
Karen resigns because Peter MacNicol threatens to release allegations against her husband, not unlike the way he tried to release Vigo the Carphathian in "Ghostbusters II."
Jack and his brother go to find out what his dad is doing.
Jack's father is Farmer Hoggett.
Farmer Hoggett tells Jack he's got things under control, which means that things are about to get out of his control.
Things get out of his control.
Jack and Farmer Hoggett are handcuffed and put into the back of a van with men carrying guns. Jack's brother tells his thugs "Call me when it's finished," implying that he wants his men to take his family somewhere else and kill them, despite the fact that there has literally been a massacre of CTU agents outside the building. What's two more bodies going to matter? This means that bad guys have had Jack Bauer in a "Before I Kill You, Mr. Bond" situation two times...in the last six hours.
Unfortunately, Jack doesn't kill anyone, nor does anyone suggest that there isn't enough time. Which means our count stands at:

Bauer Body Count (episode): 0
Bauer Body Count (total): 2
There's No Time: 3

24 Day 6: 10 a.m. - 11 a.m.

2007-01-22T22:28:00.000-06:00

A quick recap of what happened last episode:

Curtis didn't like Jack working with Assad. Curtis tried to kill Assad. Jack shot Curtis in the neck and killed him. This means Jack's kill count is up to 2, even if one of them was one of his own people. That's right, currently, half the people Jack has killed this season has been a good guy.
However, the terrorists retaliated by blowing up a nuclear device. So while Jack's count stands at 2, the terrorists count is somewhere around 12,000. Fortunately, the day is just beginning, so Jack has more than enough time to even things up.
One minor quibble about Jack killing Curtis. He shot him in the neck. And Curtis died. COME ON! Two seasons ago, Tony got shot in the neck and he was back up and running CTU in a matter of hours. Curtis is just a big baby.
Also last episode, the president dropped a "not enough time" remark. Current count, going into tonight's episode:

Bauer Body Count (total): 2
There's No Time: 2

The episode begins with chaos ensuing as the people of Los Angeles run wildly through the streets, trying to escape the mushroom cloud that is ominously floating towards them. Can I just go on record and say that if they decided to make this show about Jack Bauer killing radiation-created zombies, it would be the greatest show of all time? Seriously, the only way it would be better is if he killed them using a sword. While he was riding a dinosaur.

Jack is trying to recover from just shooting Curtis and finally quitting his job. He's not allowed too much time to recuperate, since somebody needs his help rescuing their buddy from a downed helicopter (why not?). Jack saves one of them, but I'm thinking at this point, the producers of "24" just have money to burn, so they said "What the Hell, find something to blow up this episode." The helicopter falls off of the roof it had crashed into and blows up.

This inspires Jack. He remembers how great it was when he was the one making things blow up and causing people to die. No more feeling sorry for himself. He calls Bill back at CTU and tells him "I'm back, baby!", George Constanza-style.

Back at CTU, things are running as smoothly as always. Actually, to be fair, they are running more smoothly than normal. Even Chloe is acting more or less professionally, which is extremely disappointing, and takes away from her hotness. All of the CTU people are trying to figure out if Fayed could have possibly survived the nuclear blast. Of course he did. He left the scene of the explosion about three minutes before the bomb was detonated. He could be halfway across the state by now!

Meanwhile, over in the storyline nobody cares about, the President's sister's husband is still being detained by the FBI. There are some shady looking characters being held in the same facility as him, and they all think he might be one of them. The President's sister wants him out of there. However, Special Agent Good Will Hunting Bar Guy has different ideas. He sends a couple of agents in to rough the guy, while planting a wire on him. They want him to blah blah blah and see if the something something something and at some point this will all lead to Jack getting to kill more people in horrific ways.

Speaking of Jack, let's get back to things. Chloe and (what is her ex-husband's name, Morris?) are doing their routine CTU stuff like opening sockets and increasing the number of packets to their systems when a name comes up. Assad had given them the name of a Russian general who had sold the weapons to Fayed. CTU came up with a list of names that the Russian general had done business with. One of those names on the list is...

Jack's father.

That's right. In one of the most shocking turn of events this show has ever seen, it turns out that Jack Bauer...has a father. A previously unmentioned father, even when a) Jack's wife and daughter were kidnapped, b) Jack's wife died, c) Kim was on the run, d) Jack and Kim were in situations where they had no one to call or trust, e) the other hundreds of opportunities they would have had to mention a living family member. So, whatever. Jack's father is on a list of names that the Russian general was in contact with.

Jack calls to his father's house and gets...who, his father's boyfriend? I don't know. My wife thought it was just the butler, but whatever. Jack's dad left yesterday. Didn't take his cell phone. Didn't tell anyone where he was going. Doesn't sound suspicious.

However, someone is monitoring the call. And that someone calls the bald guy that kind of looks like Ron Howard from last season. The guy with one of those annoying earpiece cell phones. The guy who was apparently the leader (or at least, a leader) of that mysterious cartel of people behind a lot of the events last season. This someone is revealed not only to be involved again this year, but is also...Jack's brother!

Things have suddenly taken a Skywalkerian turn.

Jack calls his brother and they have a nice little heart-to-heart. It's nice to see that Jack treats personal phone calls in the same way he treats business phone calls. Straight to the point, and if you lie, he shows up on your doorstep.

Of course, before he shows up, we get to meet the family. There's his wife, whom I believe is also the wife of Nathan Petrelli on "Heroes," which is also on Monday nights at 8 p.m. I wonder which show she watches first? If we are to infer from the conversation between Jack's brother and his wife, it appears Jack and the wife used to be an item.

Then there's the son. Who looks very...well, let's just say it. The kid is almost obviously going to turn out to be Jack's kid. Which means, in the span of five minutes, "24" has turned from "Empire Strikes Back" to "Days of Our Lives."

Jack shows up and there's this awkward "hugging" moment between the brothers. I am guessing this is because there was no love in the Bauer household when they were growing up. I don't mean that their parents didn't show them affection; I'm actually speculating that the concept of "love," as well as other "emotions" were forbidden. This is the only way to explain the heartless killers these two have grown up to become. Or, they are simply robots, programmed to kill.

Jack, to his credit, tries to talk to his brother and find out where their dad is for almost thirty seconds before he resorts to punching him in the mouth. Then, in true Jack style, he locks the door, yanks the wire out of the lamp, ties his brother up, and begins questioning him. Imagine being the kind of person who, when they walk into a room, doesn't think "Hey, that's a nice lamp," but rather "Hey, I may have to use the wires on that lamp as a restraining device if my brother doesn't provide the information I want in the next thirty seconds." How could you ever relax?

Jack smacks his brother around and tells him not to scream or he'll cut his tongue out. As proof, he lets his brother smell his breath, which still smells all "esophagussy." He then says to give him the information he wants or Jack will hurt.

Jack's brother: You're hurting me now.

Jack: Trust me, I'm not.

I'm going to keep this episode on my Tivo forever, simply for that line.

The episode concludes with Jack saying "Sorry, you brought this on yourself," and pulling a plastic bag over his brother's head, suffocating him. Imagine the next family reunion. Awkward!

As we wrap up, I'm sorry to say Jack didn't kill anyone this episode. However, he did tell Bill that "there wasn't time" to do something or another, and while it wasn't said with the usual excitement, we're still counting it. Here's the scores:

Bauer Body Count (episode): 0
Bauer Body Count (total): 2
There's No Time: 3
New Words Coined In This Recap: 1 ( esophagussy )

24 Day 6: 8 a.m.-9 a.m./ 9 a.m. - 10 a.m.

2007-01-15T23:26:00.000-06:00

Well, damn.

24 Day 6: 6 a.m - 7 a.m./ 7 a.m. - 8 a.m.

2007-01-14T23:14:00.000-06:00

First of all, from the opening, you knew big things were coming. If you listen, the announcer with the real deep voice says "Viewer discretion...is advised," with a notably long pause. It's as if he's sitting there, reviewing what Jack is going to do to that guy at the end of the hour, and wants to scream to America how horrible the act is going to be, but knows he's limited to just those four words. What the announcer really wants to say is "Viewer discretion...and, good Christ do we really mean it this time, is advised."

America is under attack by terrorists. Again. Strangely enough, the terrorists seem to be from the Middle East, something that hasn't been featured in movies or television since...America was attacked by Middle Eastern terrorists. Odd. These terrorists don't seem to be involved in any kind of intricate plans that involve pumping poison gas into hotels or melting down nuclear reactors. They're simply using suicide bombers to blow up places around America. Also notable is the fact that their attacks don't seem to be concentrated solely in Los Angeles, in a five-block radius from CTU headquarters.

Of course, if Jack Bauer had been around, he would have been able to stop these attacks. Unfortunately, Jack was taken by the Chinese at the end of the last season and has been in custody ever since. You have to wonder "when" the current season of "24" takes place. If I remember correctly, a year or so took place between seasons 1 and 2, and there were several other lengthy gaps between subsequent season. While only a year has passed in real time since the end of season five, season six starts off almost two years after those events. Kiefer Sutherland recently signed on for 3 seasons, which means, if the procession of time continues as before, season nine will find Jack Bauer battling T-1000 robots from "The Terminator."

And I think we can all agree how awesome that is going to be.

Here's the current situation: America is under attack. Jack is gone. CTU shows that it's perfectly capable of operating without Bauer by preventing 0% of the attempted attacks on America. Bill and Karen are married. Wayne Palmer has apparently pulled a Ted Kennedy (by which I mean he followed his older brother's career path and got into politics, not that he got drunk, drove off a bridge and killed someone). Palmer is now the President, which makes it easier on more simple-minded viewers now that they've gone back to just saying "President Palmer."

Chloe, by the way, is still awesome.

President Palmer, in an attempt to stop the attacks, has resorted to desperate measures. There's a traitor in the midsts of the terrorists, and he's willing to give the U.S.A. the address of Assad, the man in charge of the attacks. But he has a high price. He wants Jack Bauer. So he can kill him.

Bauer, who is usually the one brokering such deals, not being a part of them, is turned over by the Chinese government. Apparently, Palmer had to pay a high price to get him. How high? I'm sure we'll find out in hour 17 or so, shortly after the writers make up something so outlandish and implausible that it causes a lot of drama to pad out about three episodes, but still ends up being resolved before the overall storyline.

Bauer gets returned, and gets told about the deal. He's more than happy to hand himself over if it's for a good cause. After a lot of people milling about and telling Jack how sorry they are, they finally turn him over to the terrorists.

There's other stuff going on as well. Karen is working for the President, setting up conflict between her job and her husband Bill, who is apparently back in charge of CTU. Also working for the President is Peter MacNicol, who, after being in scores of movies and television shows, I still think of as "the creepy guy from 'Ghostbusters II'." He's apparently trying to go behind the President's back and create some Muslim interrment camps, and also unleash the river of slime beneath New York, thus freeing Vigo the Carpathian. Or something.

Also making an appearance is Kumar, from "Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle." If you think I'm actually going to go to the trouble to remember his character's name in this show when I've got a perfectly good nickname like that waiting to be used, well, you've never read this blog before.

Kumar's father is arrested, apparently because the police think he's involved in some kind of terrorist activity. This is an outrage, and is based on fear, bigotry, hatred, racism, and the fact that if they've traced terrorist activity to the house, they're absolutely right. Except it's Kumar that's involved with the terrorists, not his dad. Why would a young person get involved with a terrorist? Doesn't he remember what happened to Beroz? Actually, noboby remembers what happened to Beroz, because they never went back and dealt with it in season four. As far as we know, he's still chained up in that cell, saying "Hello? Anyone? Jack?"

But all of this is cheap distraction from the main event: The Return of the Jack. Jack is handcuffed to a chair and is about to be tortured. However, he wants to make sure that CTU gets the information. He tells Fayed to call CTU and give them the location of Assad. So what does Fayed do? Think about it. He doesn't need to answer to Bauer. He has NO REASON IN THE WORLD talk to him. He could flip up the phone, pretend like he's talking to CTU, and then hang up. But instead, he steps up to Jack and basically says:

"Ha ha ha. Before I kill you, Mr. Bauer, would you like to know the genius of my diabolical plan? You see, it is not Assad who is planning the attacks. No, he wants peace. He's being used as a scapegoat by the real terrorist. The person who has been planning this from the beginning. The real mastermind is...me!"

Maniacal laughter fills the room, as Fayed leaves, followed by his henchmen, leaving James Bo...I mean, Jack Bauer, to figure out a way out of this trap. Of course, he does. He pulls the device monitoring his heartbeat out of him and slumps over, to appear dead. Then, when the guard comes to check on him, he...

OK, I'm seriously not sure how they got this on television.

What Jack does is...

Bauer leans forward and...

How to put this?

Jack springs up, clamps his teeth onto the man's neck, and rips his throat out. With his teeth. With his fucking teeth.

He probably escaped after that, but I was too awestruck to notice anything that happened for the next few minutes.

As always, we'll be keeping track of the number of Bauer kills, and how many times the phrase "There's no time!" or something similar is uttered. We'll also have a running total of any other significant data. Here's the board:

Bauer Body Count: 1
There's No Time: 0

That's Hour 1. Stop, take a drink, grab a snack, and come on back for Hour 2.

Ready? Let's review.

Previously, on "24":

Jack has escaped from his captors. Within minutes, he has not only broken into a car, but into a car that has the most sophisticated phone currently available. He calls CTU, who don't seem too surprised that he has extricated himself out of his situation. However, because five previous seasons have taught them nothing, they don't listen to Jack. They're going on ahead with their airstrike on Assad, based on Fayed's information (and more on that airstrike in a moment).

After being ignored, Jack realizes he must take matters into his own hands. Any day when CTU ignores Bauer's advice and Bauer must take matters into his own hands and eventually be proven correct is also called "any given day of the week." Jack, using the powerful, versatile, and technologically superior NEXTEL phone, manages to feed in coordinates and use the map feature to find the precise location of Assad. I'm glad Jack didn't break into my car and steal my phone, or else he'd still be thumping it against the dashboard, screaming "I said, they're...hello? No, now my damn battery is dying and I charged the thing overnight. No, my bars are full, you're the one breaking up. Hello? Dammit!"

I feel obligated to point out what happens in the rest of the episode before we get back to Jack, even though nobody cares. Kumar keeps talking to Fayed on the phone about "the package." We see him in his house, retrieving something hidden in the wall, and it turns out to be...a package! Frightening. Then the redneck neighbor from down the street breaks in and accuses him of being a terrorist and tries to beat up Kumar. In this case, the slack-jawed, redneck, foreigner-hating yokel is right on the money, and beats Kumar up pretty good before getting shot. Then Kumar's neighbor comes to check on him and finds the dead guy and Kumar holding a gun. I'd dwell more on this, but I know it's just going to be a waste of time/story, and the only joke I could think of was that now the neighbor kid and Kumar are going to go to White Castle, which only works if I knew the neighbor kid's name. And I don't, and I'm not gonna skim the episode again to find out, so deal with it.

Also, much like the Kennedys, where there's just tons of them in highly-placed offices, we find out there's a Palmer sister. I'm almost positive we've never heard of her before, have we? I know David Palmer had two children who have apparently fallen off the face of the Earth, but did we know about a sister? Anyway, she's the lawyer for an Islamic group that is currently being hassled by the FBI. The lead FBI guy wants their personnel files. She's reluctant to give them to him because 1) he has no warrant, and 2) he's the snotty guy from the bar in "Good Will Hunting." They resolve to come back with a warrant, which they do. They demand to see the personnel files now. An assistant takes them to a room, where this exchange takes place:

Assistant: They're gone.

FBI Guy: How can they be gone?

Palmer Sister: Because I deleted them.

FBI Guy: You deleted them?

Palmer Sister: Yes. How do you like them apples?

She's arrested for this, of course. There's a lot of talk about personal freedoms and security and stuff like that in these scenes that viewers don't care about, because they don't involve Jack hurting someone.

Jack finds Assad's location. He gets into the house, and tells Assad that the U.S. is going take him out with an airstrike. They find out that one of Assad's men is a traitor, loyal to Fayed, They all make it out of the house just in time to avoid being blown up by a missile from an assault chopper.

This is all very exciting, and I can understand the President and everyone else on down wanting to take out the leader of a terrorist organization. However, this doesn't take place in the desert. As far as I can tell, it takes place in a suburb of L.A. Imagine if you were, say, out walking the dog. You're walking along, and you see two military helicopters overhead. You may think to yourself "Wow, with the recent terrorists attacks, the U.S. sure is cracking down on security measures by having assault choppers in the air." Then, the helicopters proceed to blow up a house with missiles. Would this make you feel safer? Even if the President got on TV later and said "We blew up the terrorist leader! No more attacks!" Would you feel safe knowing that, at some level, blowing up a house in the middle of a neighborhood by using military helicopter missiles is something that the country is willing to do? What if they missed? What if there's shrapnel? What if the neighbors were visiting? "Lovely dinner, sorry we can't stay for desse...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"

Jack and Assad escape, along with the guy working for Fayed. Jack tries to torture the guy to get info out of him, but his heart really isn't in it. Assad is all like "Don't worry, it's like riding a bike. You'll be hooking up a guy's testicles to a car battery before the day is over!"

They head to the place the guy said was the next meeting place. It's at a subway station. There's two terrorists, a handler and a bomber. Jack decides to follow the bomber, and Assad is going to follow the handler. The handler is thoughtful enough to park close enough to where Jack and Assad parked, so Assad can tail him easily. Jack follows the bomber onto the subway.

Jack is trying to make his way towards the bomber when he gets stopped by a guy checking tickets. Jack tells him "I'm a federal agent, there's a guy with a bomb, if you don't let me throught to stop him, he's going to blow up this train." The guy figures Jack is either 1) telling the truth or 2) pulling out all the stops to get a free ride. Either way, he doesn't want to mess with it. Jack steps up and tangles with the bomber. There's a big fight, culminating with the bomber pushing the button to detonate his device. However, Bauer kicks the guy through the window, where he explodes.

Back at CTU, they have a satellite feed of Bauer escaping with Assad. Everyone seems somewhat surprised by this, although it's hard to imagine why. Jack told them to do something. They didn't listen. They haven't heard from him in over a half hour. They're plan didn't work because of someone interfered at the last minute. WHAT DID THEY THINK HAPPENED? THIS IS CTU. IF JACK DOESN'T AGREE WITH THE PLAN, HE IS GOING TO FUCK IT UP. I've said it before, and I'll say it again for posterity: If everyone listened to Jack Bauer, this show would be called "52 Minutes, Plus Commercials."

To wrap it up, early in the episode, Jack tells Bill "We do not have a lot of time!" We're counting that as the first official "There's no time!" moment. Jack's kill count is going to stand at one, because while he did kick the guy out the subway window, the guy was blowing himself up anyway. And if we're going to start counting deaths that merely happen around Bauer...well, that could take all day.

Bauer Body Count (episode): o
Bauer Body Count (total): 1
There's No Time: 1

New Year's Resolutions: 2007

2007-01-07T22:56:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year! Here's a quick rundown of what I've resolved to do this year.

Lose weight (seriously this time)
Every week, pick a CD I've never heard all the way through and listen to it from beginning to end at least twice.
Start a blog where I can give recaps of TV shows; you know, something updated on a regular basis
Finish my novel and write at least one short story a month
Spend more time with the family (who really didn't see a lot me last year)
Really, for serious this time, start that movie club once a month, where me and a group of people watch a classic movie and discuss it. For those of you who know what I'm talking about, I'm serious this time.
Speaking of movies, watch at least one movie I've never seen before each month.
Get a teaching job in the fall.
Continue to bring sexy back.

There's my resolutions. If you'd like to share yours, feel free to post.

I've Got Chills...They're Multiplying

2007-01-07T22:30:00.000-06:00

Let's assume you love "Grease" but loathe "American Idol." What are you supposed to do about "Grease: You're the One That I Want?" It's the latest reality show entry on NBC, and it features a nationwide talent search to find a "Danny" and "Sandy" for the upcoming ten million dollar Broadway production of "Grease." My four year-old daughter is a recent convert to "Grease," and since my wife and I have always been big fans, we decided to watch (against our better judgements). Here's a few observations:

They would have saved themselves a lot of time and uncomfortable moments if they would have simply posted a sign out front that read "No Fat Chicks."
They turned one guy away for being too old to play Danny. In "Grease." If you're unfamilar with "Grease," yes, it takes place in high school. However, if you've ever seen the movie, most of the cast is in their late 20's, except for Stockard Channing, who was actually 34 years old. That's not hyperbole or exaggeration for the sake of humor. Channing was actually 34 years old when they made the movie, and she's playing a high school senior. And while the woman that plays Cha Cha in the movie was a few years younger, she still looks like if she fell during the big dance contest scene, she would break her hip. So unless the contestants are using walkers, I don't think "too old" is a viable excuse.
Speaking of looking your age (or not, in this case), they interviewed Olivia Newton-John a couple of times during the show. Since I was watching with my daughter present, I had to spell to my wife that Olivia Newton-John had aged well, and I would still B-A-N-G the H-E-L-L out of her. My wife was not amused. Even less so when my daughter asked me what I was spelling.
Watching reality television still makes me feel dirty.
Despite having a runtime of an hour and a half, if you have a Tivo (or similar device), you can cut the actual viewing time to about 45 minutes. First, there's a ton of commercials. Secondly, there's too much filler, previews, and reviews. A typical ten minute segment of the show will feature two minutes telling you what you just missed, two minutes telling you what's coming up in the next segment, and seven minutes of pausing between the judges telling someone "You are..." and "...the One That We Want." That leaves exactly one minute of actual showtime, which is usually used to show everyone how utterly obnoxious all of the contestants are.
Early on, one of the contestants (named Fawn) tried out, was rejected, and cried backstage. The host, a no-talent Ryan Seacrest (and seriously, consider what that says about him), takes Fawn aside and comforts her. He feels bad for her, and begs the judges to give her another try, which they do, and then reject her again. The conversation my wife and I imagined happening backstage went something like "So, would you really like another audition?" "Yes, I'd do anything!" "Anything...?" This is made even funnier by the fact that later on, the host is consoling an equally upset and sobbing young boy. "Anything...?"
Lastly, I decided if a contestant really wanted to stand out from the rest of the crowd, they'd use a song from "Grease 2." Now THAT would take guts.

In short, I can't say I recommend "Grease: You're the One That I Want" anymore than I could recommend any other reality or, say, getting poked in the eye. The only real reason to watch it would be to see if Travolta is desperate enough for attention to see if actually makes an appearance sometime during the season. My money is on sweeps week.

National Insufferability Levels Reach New High With Release of 3rd Robin Williams Movie In As Many Months

2006-12-20T12:39:00.000-06:00

Researchers are warning that the nation's insufferabity index has reached a new high. While a number of factors are included into figuring the index levels, such as high gas prices, Christmas songs on the radio all the time, and the media's incessant coverage of "celebrities" such as Paris Hilton, most top researchers agree that it is the recent spate of Robin Williams movies that is driving levels to new highs.
"Look," said one researcher, too disgusted with the unbearable conditions of things to be named, "First you had that weak political 'comedy,' a word I'm using loosely, where he plays basically himself doing his schtick in a presidential campaign. Then you had that dancing penguin crapfest where he's doing his usual goddamn animation act of talking fast and being flamboyant. Now this new movie looks he's going to be yelling the whole goddamn time. Christ."
The researcher went on to note that in addition to Williams in the forthcoming "Night at the Museum," the presence of Ben Stiller didn't help matters any.
"I wonder how long it is before Owen Wilson or Vince Vaughn shows up as a cameo?" The researcher noted. After being told that several of the movie's previews do, in fact, feature Wilson in a cameo role, the researcher promptly threw himself in front of an oncoming bus.
Citizens are being warned to limit their intake of Williams to help curtail long-lasting feelings of disgust, depression and helplessness. They are also being warned to avoid visiting movie rental stores, as "RV," another 2006 movie starring Williams, was recently released.

It's Beginning to Sound a Lot Like Christmas

2006-12-20T09:07:00.000-06:00

If you have a lite rock radio station near you, you've undoubtedly noticed that it's switched to an all-Christmas music format. In fact, you probably noticed they did this earlier than last year, which means they started playing Christmas music while you were taking your kids out trick-or-treating. Why do they do this? As someone who works in radio (for another week, anyway), I can answer this question. They do it because another station did it and it worked. Therefore, every single other radio station will follow along, lemming-like. There's no such thing as originality in radio anymore. Here's the flowchart for how it works:

Big Station A tries something -> Medium Stations B, C and D sees what Station A is doing and copy it -> Small, Local Stations E, F and G copy what the Medium Stations are doing; however, listeners of Big Station A have already gotten sick of what Big Station A is doing, so Big Station A changes format to something else. Lather, rinse, repeat.

So if your small, local radio station is doing something you don't like, blame the medium stations. If your medium-sized radio stations is doing something you don't like, blame the large-market radio stations. And if you don't like what the large-market radio stations are doing, blame Clear Channel, because those bastards have ruined radio.

Which is totally off my original point of this entry. I do enjoy Christmas music, and think almost everyone else does to a certain degree as well. I'm putting this up as a fun little discussion for everyone before Christmas. What is your favorite Christmas song? What's your least favorite? Please support your answers. For example, don't just post "Jingle Bells by the Singing Dogs sucks!" I mean, yes, obviously, it sucks. But please elaborate.

I'll lead by example and say that one of my favorite Christmas songs is U2's version of "Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)." Why? Because it's a romantic Christmas song that still manages to rock.

One of my least favorite Christmas songs is Paul McCartney's "Wonderful Christmastime." Actually saying it's one of my "least favorite" Christmas songs is like saying "I find Larry the Cable the Guy somewhat dumb." First of all, the damn song is annoying. Secondly, it's stupid. Third, it's written by a former Beatle. Now, I realize not everything the members of the Beatles have done since they went their separate ways have been gold, and McCartney has been especially guilty of churning out mediocre solo work. But to think that McCartney sat down, wrote this song and thought to himself "I am proud to have my name attached to this," makes me physically ill. For the record, I also feel this strongly about his song "Freedom," but since it's not a Christmas song, I won't dwell on it.

Also, I realize this wasn't a category, but for novelty Christmas songs, you still can't beat "What Do You Get a Wookie For Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb)?"

HEROES: Back Issues

2006-12-14T09:05:00.000-06:00

(Note: If I had Hiro's power, nobody would have ever noticed I hadn't updated my blog.)

Let's get caught up so we're ready for the big return in January. First of all, Sylar. I promise you that I read several different places that Sean Bean was going to play Sylar, including on imdb.com. To paraphrase Homer Simpson " The internet lied to me?"

We'll get over it. Especially since this guy playing Sylar actually does a good job of playing that smart, yet menacing, kind of character. Plus, I enjoy that he's not just a cardboard cutout "bad guy," bent on world domination. However, I would have enjoyed it more if Sean Bean were Sylar, but whatever.

So here's the question: After weeks of teasing and speculation, did they manage to Save the Cheerleader, and thus Save the World? You know what? I think that catchphrase is actually pretty cool, especially the way they kept tagging it at the end of the promos with the whispered voice. But when you actually type it out as the plot of a show, it looks really stupid. So when you're reading this, whisper it aloud as you read. Imagine, you're sitting there at your desk, being completely quiet, and you suddenly whisper "Save the Cheerleader, Save the World." Everyone around you would think you're insane. Or they'd think you've got superpowers, since all these people do is talk about their powers all the goddamn time.

Like Peter (hey, I'm actually using their character names!). He actually managed to save the cheerleader. I'm sorry, I mean Save the Cheerleader. What's he get for it? Dead AND Arrested. Of course. Seriously, if I were his brother, I'd walk around with that constant grimace on my face as well. I was talking to someone about Nathan (Flying Politician). They said "He's an ass." I said "No, everyone else on that show is an ass. Nathan acts exactly the way normal people would if their brother suddenly showed up at work and started ranting about how he was going to go to Texas to find a cheerleader because he can fly." What if your brother showed up at your job raving like that? You'd be shocked, especially if you previously didn't even have a brother, let alone a flying one.

Of course, Nathan flies. Peter only flies when he's around Nathan, because he can absorb other people's powers, a fact which is apparent to him intermittently. Like when he meets up with Matt, the psychic cop. The interrogation scene where Matt is trying to read Peter's mind and Peter is unintentionally trying to read Matt's mind is one of the reasons I love this show. The way they were feeding back to each other and neither one of them knew what was going on was a nice touch.

Also, if we're going to use character's names, I guess I have to do away with Dark Ali Larter (which is a pretty awesome superhero name) and start calling her Niki/Jessica. OK, I'm actually not real clear on her superpowers, but here's what I think is going on: Her superpowers seem to to be super-strength, and maybe a little extra speed (not like she can run fast, but she has faster reaction time and therefore can fight better; this sounds better than "super-fighting"). However, I'm thinking that she has a split-personality, and that her powers only manifest themselves when she's Jessica. Because if her superpower is a split-personality, you have to admit, that's a pretty stupid superpower.

Anyway, Jessica (the bad one) has been chasing her ex-husband D.L. D.L. has superpowers as well. He can phase through things, which is how he escaped from jail when he was imprisoned for murders that Jessica committed (got all that?). Here's something to ponder: If D.L. can phase through things, how can he still walk? Shouldn't he just "fall" right through the Earth? Or did I just BLOW YOUR MIND?

D.L. and Micah, who also has superpowers (seriously, who doesn't?) try to escape. But Jessica hunts them down. And Niki and Jessica have this little internal struggle thing, and Niki eventually wins out. Lame. I told my wife that if they're going to rip things off (The Watchmen, X-men comics and movies), they need to rip off the only good part of "Superman III," which is where Superman and Clark Kent duke it out in the junkyard.

God, there's a lot of characters to cover. OK, who else?

Mohinder. Fuck Mohinder.

The Cheerleader has been Saved (and again, thusly the World). She decides to come clean with her dad about her powers. He does what every loving father would do in this situation, which is to have everyone's memory erased, including his own son. Claire discovers this when she goes to talk to her buddy and finds out he knows nothing about her and the last few weeks they've spent together. Since his memory has been wiped, he serves no real useful purpose on the show anymore. This frees him up to go on to become John Connor in the Fox show "The Sarah Connor Chronicles" next year. Seriously.

The Haitian (and boy, you thought the names I gave the superheroes were bad; how would you like it if you're superhero name was simply your nationality? Look, up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's the Italian!) goes to Claire's house, at first to erase her memory. However, he has other plans.

Isaac, the tortured psychic artist, escapes from custody of Claire's father and meets up with Hiro and Ando. Let me again just stress that Ando is going to die. That's not a spoiler, it's just obvious. Hiro is on a heroic journey, he will lose his friend and must carry on alone. Seriously. Get ready for it. Why else do you think sword-carrying Days of Future Past Hiro looks so grim?

Anyway, Isaac paints a picture for those two. It's Hiro, holding his sword, fighting...a dinosaur. Oh. Fucking. Yeah. When "Lost" first started, I was wondering if they had landed on a "Lost World" kind of thing, where dinosaurs had survived, and opined that this would make "Lost" the greatest show of all time. However, if "Heroes" is going to become a show about superheroes fighting dinosaurs...seriously, hang on, I'm getting short of breath. Fuck. Damn. OK, I think I'm better, except my left arm keeps tingling.

Isaac escaped with some help from Eden, who is in the employ of Claire's father. We see that she has a troubled past, and that she was captured by Claire's dad and put into her place by The Haitian. However, now that they have Sylar in custody, Eden thinks they should kill him. Claire's father gets orders from on high telling him no, they have to leave him alive. This makes Claire's dad a little less menacing. I mean, Dr. Doom is a menacing bad guy. A middle manager isn't.

Eden takes matters into her own hands. She has the power of persuasion (or, in geekspeak, "These aren't the droids you're looking for" powers). She takes a gun into Sylar's cell and is going to get him to kill himself. If she can convince him to do anything she wants, why not just convince him to bang his head against the wall until he's dead? Seems less dangerous and obvious than a gun. Sylar agrees and uses his telekinesis to pull her through the glass.

Sylar's power is the vague "I can figure out how things work," which allows him (apparently) to take other people's powers. Eden realizes this and turns the gun on herself before he can absorb her powers. This surprises Sylar, although not nearly as surprising as the rumor that she was supposedly killed off due to a contract dispute for more money. Seriously, if nobody has ever heard of you, and you're suddenly on the hot new show in a fairly prominent role, you ride that fucking gravy train until Speilberg calls you.

In the end, Nathan comes to bail out Peter. First their mom gets arrested for shoplifting, now Peter gets hauled in for questioning regarding the mysterious death of a young girl. And Nathan still expects to get elected. What, is their last name Kennedy?

Peter has a vision. It's a horrible vision, something unspeakable. Something nobody could have imagined possible. All of the other heroes are gathered around, staring in disbelief. Yes, it's Peter, in just a few short weeks...and he's...in the new "Rocky" movie! Playing Stallone's son! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I Played With My Wii All Day Yesterday...

2006-11-20T11:27:00.000-06:00

...and now my wrist is sore.

Heroes: Issue 8

2006-11-14T09:17:00.000-06:00

There has been a lot of discussion regarding how much this show...um, let's say "borrows" from X-Men, both the comics and the movies. So it was refreshing last night that they started off by "borrowing" their title from a different comic source; in this case, "The Watchmen" (by the way, if you've never read "Watchmen," do yourself a favor and read it today).

The show, which is an exciting, interesting and fun show, decided to demonstrate just how exciting, interesting and fun it is by starting with...Mohinder. If you'll remember, Mohinder's superpower is the ability to speak in long, boring passages of exposition. Is there any way to make Mohinder any more boring? Oh yes, we'll put him at a funeral. Hooray!

Also, if you don't remember Mohinder, he's the one who's father was murdered. Mohinder believed his father was killed for something he'd discovered about humans developing superpowers. He believed so strongly in this that he left everything behind to move to New York to investigate his father's death and continue his research. In fact, his faith in this work was so deep, that the very second he encountered someone who might prove his father's life work, he immediately packed his bags and moved back to India to become a skeptic again.

Yeah, I don't quite follow that part either.

But he's back in India, and his old girlfriend shows up. She works at Convenient Plot Points, which is a genetic research company. She offers him his old job back, if he can up his father's crazy ideas. This is a no-brainer, because that's why he left New York to come back to India. Because he gave up on his father's ideas, right? Or not. Because now he's conflicted again. I wonder if he's going to go to New York again. Does he just jump in a plane every time he changes his mind? Does he get frequent flip-flopper miles?

Mohinder also starts having weird dreams. Could it be that Mohinder has superpowers too? Hmmm, it turns out that he DOES have superpowers! Not only can he speak in dry, boring plot points, he can dream about them as well! And they're just as dry and forced as his own dialogue!

Mohinder sees the big argument he had with his father. Typical "I regret the last conversation I had with the deceased" stuff. Then we see his father and mother talking. But wait! Mohinder wasn't present originally! Which means he can see the...past. Which is...helpful. Kinda. I mean, if he's going to be a history professor, that would be awesome (although he'd find some way to make it boring). But here it just serves as a complicated way to do a flashback.

Mama Mohinder and Father Mohinder are talking about Father Mohinder wanting to travel to New York to continue his work. Is this a family trait?

Mama Mohinder: How was work?

Father Mohinder: I discovered something!

Mama Mohinder: What is it?

Father Mohinder: I'm going to New York to work on it!

Mama Mohinder: Again?

They also talk about Mohinder's previously unknown deceased sister. Then the creepy dream kid pops up and leads Mohinder away. Obviously, Mohinder hasn't seen a horror movie in the last, oh, let's say 20 years or so, because everyone knows when a creepy kid shows up and starts doing things like not talking and pointing mysteriously, you run the fuck away. Seriously. Creepy kid starts showing up? That's when you run to New York. And if the creepy kid shows up in New York, you let Sylar go ahead and nuke the place.

This is assuming that Sylar is the one who's going to nuke New York. Right now, it seems like the likely candidate (whose superhero name is Red Herring) is the guy that Mind Reader Cop From Alias and FBI Agent Sophie From Carnivale have in custody. Last week (which I realize there was no recap for, so shut up about it), they found a doctor burnt to a crisp with high levels of radiation. They located the guy, who apparently can emanate large amounts of deadly radiation. He's in custody as a suspected terrorist, and Mind Reader Cop has just one hour to interrogate him.

It turns out that he used to be normal. But then he got his powers, living around high levels of radiation gave his wife cancer, she died, he flipped out. Plus, he lost two days of time, and woke up with scars and bruises, and remembers this Haitian guy. Mind Reader Cop reveals that he had a similar experience (without the radiation and cancer bits). It seems like they're onto something. Something that could help them discover who's behind this, and what happened to them. Which of course means that it's time for the guy to be taken away by Homeland Security. As he's being dragged out, he tells Mind Reader Cop "Find the Haitian! Find the Haitian!"

Now, wait just a damn minute. We can't be worried about finding the Haitian. That's not the catchphrase of this show. It's very clearly "Save the Cheerleader. Save the World." What now, "Find the Haitian. Find the bad guys?" No sir, I don't like it. I'll stick with the cheerleader one. Which, by the way, ranks up there with "The Truth is Out There" on the cool catchphrase scale, and I admit, I get really, really excited every time a promo ends with that phrase.

Of course, there's question of whether or not Horned Rimmed Glass Man is actually a bad guy. Sure, he starts off sinister enough. He's doing mysterious things, plus he kidnapped Mind Reader Cop (and apparently The Nuclear Red Herring as well). I also read that someone was calling him a bad guy for having the Haitian guy completely mindwipe the teen that assaulted his daughter. You know, I have three daughters, and if one of them were in the same situation, the guy would be praying for a mindwipe. So I'm not calling him a bad guy on that count.

However, he very obviously has his own agenda. He's kidnapped Tortured Artist, and wants him to draw the future. Tortured Artist can't paint without his daily dose of heroin (it's like coffee or cigarettes, but slightly less addictive). They helped get him off heroin, but since he's useless without it, Horned Rimmed Glasses Man wants him back on it. He tells his assistant to use her power to convince him.

Let's talk about the assistant. Her name is "Eden," and you might remember her as the neighbor of Mohinder that everyone assumed was working with the bad guys. Well, as it turns out, we were all right. She is working with the bad guys (or whatever the are) and apparently has superpowers. It looks like her powers might be "super peer pressure" because she gets Tortured Artist to use the heroin and start painting again.

A quick note on the superpowers: I like everybody's abilities, but at some point, I want someone who has super-strength and someon who can shoot eyebeams, because this mental powers "see the future, see the past, read minds, talk in exposition" bullshit is gonna get old. The Dark Ali Larter character is a good start, but if this is going to be a superhero show, there had better be some good old-fashioned super ass-kicking going on.

Speaking of mental superpowers, Hiro and Ando find themselves in a Texas diner, with a waitress who has a super-photographic memory. Apparently, the other power everybody gets is the ability to not shut up about their powers. Sensitive Flying Guy, Hiro, Ali Larter, and now Wonder Waitress all feel the need to blab to anyone who will listen about their powers. It's no wonder the bad guys can track them so easily.

Wonder Waitress and Hiro hit it off pretty well, despite the presence of a menacing, shadowy figure lurking in the corner. She talks. A lot. Even more than Hiro. Hiro excuses himself to the restroom and she goes into the back to open a can of food for the diner. Remember that menacing, shadowy figure? Yeah, that's Sylar. How do we know this? Because he cuts her head open in a scene that is actually pretty subtle and cleverly done (what with her doing the same thing to the can in front of her). Also, speaking of Sylar, if you don't want to know that he's played by Sean Bean starting in next week's episode, then you shouldn't be reading this sentence.

Hiro comes out the bathroom and finds the commotion. Wonder Waitress is dead, and again, he did nothing to stop a murder. He decides he can't let it happen again and does that goofy thing where he screws up his face. He disappears, but doesn't reappear. Also, he doesn't seem to have changed time, since the girl's still dead. But wait? What's that? There's a picture on the wall...and it looks like a party...and it's...Jack Nicholson and the rest of the guests from the Overlook Hotel!

No, it's Hiro. And Wonder Waitress. But where's Hiro now?

To be continued...

Theory time. One, Horned Rimmed Glasses Man is part of a group studying superheroes, perhaps helping them? Two, Sylar is going to either mutate or be a low-level bad guy leading up to the Big Bad, since we've seen comic covers in the show featuring a monster (and a painting, I believe). Three, is Sylar stealing powers? If so, is that why they need to save the cheerleader? Because if he gets her power, then he's unstoppable? Four, will Dark Ali Larter end up being a good guy or bad guy? What if all the heroes are together, and Sensitive Guy (who apparently isn't Sensitive Flying Guy unless he's around his brother, Flying Politician) absorbs Dark Ali Larter's power? And, for that matter, everyone else's powers? Maybe he would be the bad guy. Or maybe I'm just wanting to see him get the shit knocked out of him.

LOST Episode: Serenity Now!

2006-11-09T09:09:00.000-06:00

Let's start this week's recap (and the last "Lost" recap until Feb. 8th!) with a couple of movie notes. First, I saw a preview for the new movie "We Are Marshal." The movie features Matthew Fox, and in both scenes in the preview, he's either crying or looking like he's about to cry. Nothing like being typecast. The other movie to mention is "Slither," which just hit DVD. "Slither" is a very fun, very underrated horror movie with a great sense of humor (I'm hesitant to actually call it a "horror/comedy"). If you missed this movie in theaters, you should definitely check it out now. I mention this movie because it featured Nathan Fillion, as did this episode of "Lost."

First of all, I want to grab whoever is casting this show and shake them until they die, and then I can take over their job. Why? They keep putting great actors into roles that limit how often their characters can appear. Sure, it was cool to see both Fillion and Clancy Brown last season, but imagine how amazing this show would be if say, Brown was the leader of the others, and Fillion was one of the survivors (instead of this new loser we've got running around). Can your mind even begin to fathom the potential for awesomeness of that combination? I thought not.

What's even worse, Fillion does all he can with what he's given, but it unfortunately isn't much. He's a cop that Kate falls in love with. Good move, there, Kate. Plus, this flashback doesn't really add much to Kate's character. OK, she was on the run. She fell in love. She decided she couldn't stay. Why? Is it because he was a good guy, and she felt like she didn't deserve him? Is that why she chose Sawyer over Jack? Wait, maybe this flashback did reveal more about her character than I thought.

There's the flashback, complete with my feelings about it. Now let's get down to the important stuff. Island talk.

Eko is dead. Locke and the others (but not "The Others") need to bury him. Locke volunteers to head back to camp to get some shovels. Sayid volunteers to go back with him. Perhaps "volunteers" is a bad word. How about "Sayid informs Locke that he will be going back with him." That's probably a more accurate description of what happens.

On their way back, this conversation happens:

Sayid: So what killed Mr. Eko?

Locke: I don't know. From the looks of it, some kind of animal.

Sayid: Hmm. Good explanation. I was thinking perhaps he just tripped and fell the wrong way. My next question is "Why does everyone on this island think that I'm an idiot, when I'm actually THE only hope you people have of staying alive?"

Locke: ...

Sayid: Exactly. And since I don't have to remind you of my extensive torture skills, why don't you start talking to me?

Locke: OK.

Sayid: OK! So, what killed Eko?

Locke: A smoke cloud.

Sayid: See, on this island, that actually makes more sense than an animal attack.

Eventually, they get Eko buried (who was still inexplicably listed in the credits). While Locke is saying a nice little eulogy, he notices an inscription on Eko's stick. It says "For a good time, call..." But, right underneath that, there's a message. "Lift up your eyes and look North." Which means...well, we'll have to wait to find out, since that's all we see of these guys this week.

The main focus is Jack, Sawyer and Kate. Jack has to choose whether or not to operate on Ben. I know a lot of people don't like Jack. I liked Jack the first season, and then thought he got a little too "high and mighty" the second season. But I have really enjoyed Jack's character this third season. And last night, he was my favorite character in the entire show. When he gave Ben the rundown of how bad off he was, and how soon Ben needed surgery, and then when Ben said "Yes, we've got everything you need" and Jack said "No, I'm not doing the surgery. I just wanted you to know how you're going to die,"; if you didn't like that, then you're simply trying not to like Jack.

Jack's ass-kicking and name-taking continued throughout much of the episode. Even when they brought Kate in and Kate begged him to do the surgery or else they'd kill Sawyer, Jack told her "We're done." To be fair, Sawyer had his own bad ass time, when he told Kate "Jack's not stupid enough to fall for their plan."

The one part that slightly confused me was when Jack "escaped" from his cell. Who let him go? What was the point? So he might wander in and see Kate and Sawyer? What would that accomplish? I'm assuming Juliet let him out so he might see Kate and Sawyer, and then decide not to operate on Ben, thus giving Juliet what she (allegedly) wants. But that seems a little far-fetched. You know, on this show with the smoke monster.

Let's talk about Kate and Sawyer. In the first season, it kind of looked like there was a love triangle forming with Kate, Sawyer, and Jack. She kind of flipped back and forth in her affections, never really deciding on one or the other. Then Ana Lucia got introduced, and it was kind of made to look like she was a love interest for Jack. Well, after last night's episode, Sawyer has hooked up with both Ana Lucia and Kate, while Jack is still odd man out. No wonder he's so angry.

Jack agrees to do the surgery, much to Ben's surprise. I think the cast of "Lost" for the most part are all excellent actors, but they have a real find in the guy that plays Ben. He has that quiet, sinister, evil-mastermind part down pat, but can switch to honest emotion with ease. He's easily one of the best actors on the show, and I don't think I'd buy the whole concept of him being in such control of the Others if the actor were someone playing it too laidback or too over the top.

Once Ben goes under the knife, that angry Other (Trixie's husband) goes after Sawyer. I'm not sure why he's so angry at Sawyer, actually. I mean, I know his wife got shot, but Sawyer didn't shoot her. He may have gloated a little bit, but this guy seriously has it in for Sawyer.

Jack gets through about half of the surgery. Is he going to save Ben? Or is he going to go with Juliet's plan, to have an "accident" happen to Ben so he's out of the way permanently?

Turns out, Jack has his own plan. He clobbers the guy helping him in the operating room and lets them know Ben's got about an hour before the small incision he just made in his kidney causes him to die. What's he want? For Kate (and by extension, Sawyer) to get the Hell out of there. Unfortunately, Jack doesn't realize that they're trapped on a separate island, but the idea is noble anyway. He's sacrificing himself to save Kate (and I suppose Sawyer). And maybe he's not even sacrificing himself. Maybe he thinks he can bargain with the remaining Others better if they can't use his friends as leverage.

Overall, the episode was a little underwhelming, given that they knew in advance it was going to be a "Fall Finale," and that the series wouldn't resume for three (!!!) months. However, the last ten minutes were excellent, tension-filled, and really well-acted all around. As stated earlier, Fillion seemed wasted in his role, especially since if you've seen him in anything else, you know how talented he is.

What will the next three months bring? Well, "Day Break," apparently. It premieres next week in "Lost's" time slot, with a two-hour premiere. It's about a guy living the same day over and over again until he gets it right. It's obviously going to fail. Why? Because it has a sci-fi theme to it, and, although the star of the show is Taye Diggs, it also features Adam Baldwin. While I like Baldwin, every time he shows up in a sci-fi/fantasy show, it gets bad/cancelled. Just look at his one-season runs on "Firefly" and "The Visitor," or his final season runs on "Angel" and "X-Files." So you might check it out, just don't get attached to it.

(Housekeeping: The "Veronica Mars" rant and "Heroes" recaps are coming soon. Promise.)

LOST Episode Double Feature: Eko and the Bunnyman

2006-11-02T09:38:00.000-06:00

(Hope you've got time, because we're recapping two episodes in one post.)

After a relatively weak episode (with Locke chasing Eko and polar bears and Desmond getting all...whatever he is now), we get a return to form with this installment. Our featured player is Sawyer, who is currently held captive, along with Kate and Jack, in the Others' compound.

During the flashback, we find out that Sawyer is in jail. No surprise, he is a con artist. Maybe he'll have time to reform during his incarceration. Or maybe he'll just find someone on the inside to con. Yeah, that seems more likely.

Sawyer targets a new guy, who's apparently got millions of dollars of stolen money stashed somewhere. Sawyer buddies up to him, which is good for both of them. The new guy feels like he's got someone he can trust, and Sawyer doesn't have any friends anyway.

Well, that's not entirely true. He does have the girl he conned, who comes to visit him. And she's got a daughter! And it's his! Incidentally, the woman that plays his former lover formerly played a foul-mouthed whore on "Deadwood." I mention this only because there's another woman who used to play a foul-mouthed whore on "Deadwood" in this episode as well. She's the one that got shot by Sun last episode. And if you're wondering if all the women on "Deadwood" were foul-mouthed whores...the answer, basically, is yes.

In the present, the Others are back from their expedition, carrying the wounded Trixie with them (I have no idea what her character's real name is, but that was her name on "Deadwood"). Sawyer seems pretty delighted by all this. Why? Because the show hasn't had any action for a while, and gunplay is always good to keep people interested.

Back at the beach, Desmond is wandering around, still in a daze from last week's horrible episode. He's also dealing with the fact that he may or may not have some sort of psychic powers, which you have to admit, is an surprising and odd turn of events, even for this show. Desmond tells Claire she needs to move the baby and he'll fix the roof of her hut. Claire and Charlie, who remember, are inexplicably together again, politely thank him, and suggest that he'd be better off going off to talk to some of the Red Shirts. Which he does.

I failed to mention this two episodes ago, simply because I didn't think it was a big deal. However, it's apparently going to be a big deal, so we should talk about it. Desmond goes to get a golf club from a Red Shirt. And talks to him. And the Red Shirt talks back to him, with, like, a couple lines of dialogue. This happened last week too, where a couple of them piped up about something or another. Um, excuse me, but what the Hell? You're a Red Shirt. You stand in the background, fix huts, carry things back and forth, and get killed by Others. You don't engage the main characters. As we'll see, this becomes a bigger problem in the Eko episode.

Speaking of problems, the Others apparently decide they need to get Sawyer under control. They drag him into an operating room and show him a bunny (Which has an 8 on it! Which is one of Hurley's numbers! Which...nobody even pays attention to at this point. Any time we see a number, we just assume it's going to be one of Hurley's numbers. It would have been surprising if it had a big 7 on it). They shake the bunny's cage until the bunny falls over and dies. Why? Because the Others implanted a pacemaker in its heart, and when its heart rate reached a certain level, it killed the bunny.

At no point does Sawyer say "Where did you find a pacemaker that's specifically the right size for a bunny's heart? Do they even make those? What would be the point? Why would any company say 'We're going to make pacemakers for rabbits?' Do rabbits routinely suffer from heart problems? Or is this from some kind of Evil Villain accessory shop, where they sell things like 'rabbit pacemaker,' 'trap-door lever,' and 'henchmen uniforms'?"

They also tell Sawyer that he's been fitted with a similar pacemaker, which does not prompt Sawyer to say "Is there a whole closet of pacemakers in this place for any occasion?" And I realize it's a research facility, but imagine the day they decided to stock up on medical supplies:

Researcher: OK, let's see, we've got our human pacemakers, our rabbit pacemakers, our polar bear pacemakers, our shark pacemakers, our Smoke Cloud pacemakers, our...

Assistant: Um, this seems like an awful lot of pacemakers. What exactly are we doing on this island?

Researcher: PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE PUSHING BUTTONS!

Assistant: Gotcha.

So now Sawyer has a pacemaker, and if his heartrate gets to a certain level, the bomb on the bus explodes! Or something like that. Plus, if he tells Kate about it, they threaten to put one in her as well. Why don't they just do that anyway? It sounds like they've got a bunch just sitting around going to waste anyway.

Saywer's pacemaker gets tested when Kate changes clothes in front of him. All I'm saying is, if I'm probably going to die a brutal death at the hands of the Others, I'd rather take my chances with my heart watching Kate undress.

Back at the beach, Desmond constructs a lightning rod from the golf club he got from a Red Shirt. This comes in handy when lightning strikes it, instead of Claire's tent. Thus proving that Desmond has some sort of precognitive abilities, most likely inherited after the hatch...did whatever it is the hatch did. Imploded, they're saying.

Have I mentioned Sawyer's flashback lately? No? Well, it pretty much plays out the way you'd think it would. He cons the guy into telling him where the money is stashed. The mild surprise is that Sawyer is working with the warden, who is working with the feds. Sawyer gets a cut of the money, which he orders put into an account for his daughter, although she's not to know where it came from. Which I guess shows that Sawyer is willing to screw people over not only for himself, but for the people he cares about. And that he actually cares about someone other than himself.

This short list obviously includes Kate, who manages to climb out of the top of her cage. She tries to get him to leave, but he won't, because apparently the Others can activate the pacemaker to explode (or something) if he tries to escape. He doesn't want Kate to get a pacemaker, so he refuses her escape attempt, urging her to leave on her own. "Live together, die alone," Kate reminds him, and gets back into her cage. Saywer might have reminded her of another saying, that goes something like "Hey, you stupid bitch, now that you're out, run your fucking skinny ass off and bring back a war party to bust us the fuck out of here!" But instead, she's content to slink back to her cage and mope.

Jack...remember Jack? He's in his cell when Juliet comes to get him. Trixie has been shot, and they need Jack to operate. Jack goes and does his best, but it's too late. Trixie is dead, and no matter how bad ass we might think Sawyer, Eko, Sayid and all the other survivors are, only Charlie, Ana Lucia, and Sun have actually managed to kill an Other.

The Other who was married to Trixie flips out and goes out to beat the holy Hell out of Sawyer. Why? Why not? While he does this the other Others contemplate if installing a pacemaker in Trixie would have helped out.

In the end, Ben, in his full Keyser Soze mode, takes Sawyer to the top of a mountain. From this vantage point, he shows him...their island. There are two islands. It's not specifically made clear which island the Other village is on, but the point is, Sawyer can run all he wants, but he'll still be trapped on this island. Also, the whole pacemaker thing was just a big gag, and they show him the rabbit to prove it. Sawyer does the smart thing and uses this opportunity to push Ben over the side of the cliff, since they're both standing on the very edge, very close to one another.

This actually doesn't happen. But is should have.

(End Part I of the recap. Get a soda. Have a snack. Adjust your pacemaker. Then come back for Part II.)

Last night's episode has me very concerned about the direction of "Lost." I'm concerned for two reasons, and those reasons are "The X-Files" and "Alias." I'd be willing to be everyone reading this watched at least one of those shows, and knows exactly what I'm talking about. I'm more knowledgeable about "X-Files," so I'll pick on them. It was very obvious after season 5 (or even the movie) that Chris Carter and company had no clue where the show's mythology was going, so they just started throwing stuff out there. Instead of moving in a forward path, it just started branching out further and further, until it had no way of ever returning to a cohesive path.

I'm worried this is happening to "Lost." I know people have brought this up in the path, and I've been pretty steadfast and faithful in my belief in the show. But last night's episode really stirred something up.

Don't get me wrong, it was an excellent episode. In fact, let's talk about the events before we address my concerns. This was an Eko-centric episode, which is good because he's one of the most interesting characters on the show.

We go back to his history as Father Bad Motherfucker. Here, he has taken over his brother's role as priest for their small village. During his initial visit back to the church, he finds out that local gangsters take all but 20% of the Red Cross medicine drops for resale on the black market. Eko stands up to them, only to get an innocent woman shot. Clearly, bravado (or is it just an actual lack of fear of death/wanting to be killed for getting his brother killed) isn't going to win out over these men. Which is fine, since Eko owns a machete.

We'll get back to that later. Eko has been unconscious since the Polar Bear episode, but now visions of his brother are plaguing him. His brother urges him to confess his sins, and when Eko doesn't, his tent is set ablaze (how's that for subtlety?). They drag him out of the tent, and while Locke, Charlie and some Red Shirts are extinguishing the blaze, Eko goes off into the forest.

Locke wants to go into the forest as well, but not to find Eko (or his brother). He wants to get back to the Hatch that had all of the viewing stations. He rounds up Charlie, Sayid, Desmond and hey, anybody else that wants to come too. Hurley points out that usually Jack just takes Kate or Sawyer, and Locke points out that he's not Jack. I liked this moment, as it's a hint back at the old Jack/Locke rivalry.

A couple of Red Shirts volunteer to go, and seriously, from the time they open their fucking mouths they annoy me. It's like they won a contest "Be a Survivor on 'Lost' Island!" They don't talk like everyone else on the show, and speak in expositional sentences.

Red Shirt Guy: You're going with them to find Eko and the Pearl Hatch?

Red Shirt Girl: You're always saying how we never get to do anything!

Red Shirt Guy: This isn't a date, you idiot.

Eko plunges through the jungle, being plagued with visions of his brother and the people of his village. All of them are urging him to confess. The Smoke Cloud makes its triumpant return, after a long absence. Unlike its mysterious lurking presence in the past, it seems to be doggedly following Eko, almost openly.

Eventually, Locke's party and Eko meet up. Locke confesses to Eko that he saw "the thing" once before, and it was a beautiful beam of light. Eko says it didn't look like that to him. Which brings up a couple of interesting things. We'll discuss the smoke cloud shortly. First, let's get to the hatch.

At the hatch is the plane where Eko had found his brother's corpse last season. Eko stays outside with Locke, while the others climb down into the hatch. Once down there, the Red Shirt girl starts saying stupid, expositionary things.

Red Shirt Girl: Maybe we can use these TV's to see into other hatches!

Me: SHUT UP! I HATE YOU AND YOUR RED SHIRT BOYFRIEND! (Ask my wife; I honestly said this to the TV while we were watching it last night)

Red Shirt Guy: (flushing sound) Hey, the toilet works.

Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Locke and Sayid start fiddling around with the TV's until they get an image of another hatch. And they find a guy staring back at them. With an eyepatch. Should I mention at this point that the tail-section survivors had a box with a glass eye in it at their hatch? Eyepatch guy turns off the camera, and Locke comments "At least they know we're coming."

Speaking of which, Eko doesn't find what he's looking for, since his brother's corpse is nowhere to be found. The question is, was it ever there to begin with? Locke claims when he saw the Smoke Cloud, it was a bright, beautiful light. Eko, says that's not what he saw. At this point, are we more or less assuming that when Eko sees his brother, its actually the Smoke Cloud? Then there must be some sort of empathetic/psychic connection between the Smoke Cloud and the people it comes into contact with? Let's take it a step further. Did the Smoke Cloud take on the forms of the following people: Jack's dad, Kate's horse, Hurley's imaginary friend, Walt appearing to Shannon and Sayid, and anyone else that has appeared in a "vision" to people over the course of the series?

Eko follows his brother into the woods. His brother asks him to confess his sins. Eko refuses. He refuses to repent for his life, and says he made the best of the life that was given to him. He said he won't repent for the sins he committed in trying to survive. And if the Smoke Cloud doesn't like it, then it can go fuck its Smoke Cloud-self.

The Smoke Cloud apparently doesn't like it, and "grabs" Eko and begins slamming him around, into trees, and onto the ground. I'm curious how even someone as tough as Eko is going to survive this.

The answer is, he doesn't. Locke and the Red Shirt Brigade show up just in time to see Eko dying, although not how he died. Eko dies (!!!) but not before telling Locke that "they're next." We also find out, through one of Eko's flashbacks, that someone told him that he owes his brother a church for spoiling his by killing three gangsters in it. Which wraps up Eko's storyline and motivations nicely.

Let's talk about other characters' motivations, namely the pacemaker-happy Others. Ben goes to see Jack and tells him that he needs neck surgery. Jack discovered some X-rays last episode (which I dutifully forgot to mention) that shows Ben has got a nasty tumor on his neck, which requires operation. Jack, obviously, can do this operation. The question is, should he?

No, actually, the bigger question is, surely this isn't the Others sole motivation for everything, is it? They didn't go "Look, a plane crash! Maybe there's a spinal surgeon on it!" And then plot this elaborate plan involving Ethan and babies and Walt...just to get Jack. Because, if I were Jack, I'd say "Look, I'm a surgeon, and bound by oath to save you, which I will, if someone just tells me what the Hell is going on here."

Not all of the Others have the same motivation, however. Juliet, for example, doesn't seem particularly pleased with Ben. In fact, she brings Jack a movie to watch. She begs Jack to perform the surgery on Ben. However, the movie is her holding giant cue cards, saying something completely different. While she speaks, Jack watches the cue cards, which say "Hallucinate, Desegregate, Mediate, Alleviate..." and so on (and goddammit, I know Bob Dylan did it before INXS, but I don't care).

The cue cards actually ask Jack to flub the surgery and let Ben die, since a lot of the Others want a change, Ben is dangerous, and nobody would ever know. What is Jack to do? Maybe it's another test? Maybe there's more to Juliet and Ben than meet they eye? Maybe Jack is going to cry over it? No, there's no "maybe" about that one.

Which brings us all the way back to my concerns about the show. Looking back, wasn't season two kind of a waste? Ana Lucia, Libby, Eko and Bernard were all introduced, and all of them (except Bernard) were killed before accomplishing anything that couldn't have been accomplished by one of the original survivors. In addition, the Hatch was introduced, used a MacGuffin for the whole season, only to be destroyed.

The actors who have been killed off (with the exception of Boone) have all been reportedly difficult to deal with, in trouble with the law, or both. Which frightens me, as it seems like actors are dictating the course of the show, as opposed to the story itself. If Eko had to die for the sake of the story, I have no problem with it. In fact, I rather enjoy it when popular characters die, simply to show viewers that nobody is safe if it serves the story. However, if the story is able to be changed to accomodate an actor (for good or for bad) it makes me wonder just how much of the show's mythology is really set in stone.

Speaking of set in stone, what about that big statue with four toes?

My other theory: The eyepatch guy is in a hatch in the center of the island. He's controlling the Smoke Cloud. He is also a third party, separate from the survivors and the Others. He may have been a Dharma guy to begin with, but I believe he's going to be a third party, and one that knows the island's secrets.

A Letter to Lost Fans

2006-11-01T22:55:00.000-06:00

Dear Fans,

We realize a lot of you weren't happy with our second season. Therefore, we will be removing all remnants of it as we head into our third season. No more Ana Lucia, Libby, Eko or the Hatch. Bernard, I'd be concerned if I were you. Instead, we'll be throwing two new characters awkwardly into the mix, and see if they stick. Please let us know, because if not, we need to kill them off before we come back in February. Thanks.

The Producers of Lost

(full reviews coming soon)

LOST Episode:

2006-10-23T09:28:00.000-05:00

I'm probably not going to spend a lot of time on this episode, besides to say that I really didn't like it much at all. I didn't hate it, by any means. But it was probably the worst episode of "Lost" I've seen. Which is a shame, since the first two episodes have been pretty spectacular. This one just didn't too much for me. At all.

So what happened to Locke, Eko, and Desmond? Well, Desmond apparently got his clothes blown off. Locke merely got blown back into the jungle. And Eko...apparently...got dragged off. By a polar bear. Um, yeah.

Seriously, all the elements of a good, even great episode were here. You had Locke getting back to the roots of his character, as a guy who believed the Island was trying to communicate with him (as opposed to chaining the character to a computer for the whole season). You had Locke using the same stuff he used on Boone to create a hallucinogenic state. Hell, for that matter, you had Boone! And, as I've stated before, you had an episode with Eko, Locke and Desmond, arguably the three most interesting characters on the show.

What went wrong? Honestly, it just felt like the elements didn't gel together. Everything felt a bit forced. The flashback was boring, and didn't really advance the character of Locke that much (and Locke's flashbacks are always interesting). Locke used to live in a commune and...what? He's easily manipulated? Yeah, we knew that. Ooh, but did he do something bad, like everyone else on the island? Did he kill that cop? No, he didn't. Yawn.

If I felt like putting the energy into it, I'd also make another comparison to "Empire Strikes Back" (the visions, Eko being dragged off to the cave, etc.). Or for the "Twin Peaks" fans, I'd mention how Locke goes into a lodge and sees dopplegangers of everyone. But I'm just not feeling it.

Here's what we learned: Locke is back to being an island disciple. He's also concerned about getting Jack and the others back. Desmond apparently had someone sort of psychic flash about Locke giving the speech he gives at the end of the episode. Blah blah blah, the end.

Weak, weak episode. Illogical things happen (and yes, I'm talking about the show with the black smoke monster), the main story isn't advanced, the character aren't advanced, and we're left with an episode that feels like we're treading water until the main storyline can get going (for more on this phenomenon, be sure to read my upcoming rant about how bad "Veronica Mars" has gotten this season).

I know this isn't much of a recap, but that's because it wasn't much of an episode. Don't blame me, blame J.J. Abrams. And, dammit, if this show starts a third-season slide like "Alias," I'm never going to watch another show with his name attached to it (although, this is probably sound advice anyway, because have you seen "Six Degrees?" Shudder).

HEROES: Issue 4

2006-10-18T21:44:00.000-05:00

As stated previously, I'm giving this show more leeway than I should, due to its superheroic nature. However, there are a couple of things that just make me scream.

For instance, Hiro is trying to call Tortured Artist to warn him about his own death and the destruction of New York. However, he says that TA keeps hanging up on him because he can't speak English. His friend then says exactly what Hiro's been trying to say. He then offers to teach Hiro how to say those things phonetically. Or, here's an even better idea: HAVE YOUR FRIEND THAT SPEAKS ENGLISH CALL THE ARTIST! Is that that hard of an idea to figure out?

Also, if you're going to cheat at cards, why not use your powers just to see what the other guy is holding and bet accordingly? Or, how about not cheating at cards at all, and cheating at things like craps and roulette where you can hide the cheating in a much easier fashion?

And how about Mohinder? I bet he's a blast at parties. It's nice that he's a total believer in the whole superhero gene thing, until he needs to be a skeptic. Convenient. And speaking of convenience, if you believed your father was killed by an international conspiracy because of his beliefs, and that you were seeking to get to the bottom of said death, and said conspirators had tracked you down to your father's apartment, and in fact, you had a scuffle with an armed man in said apartment, would you, in any way, shape, or form, continue to live in said apartment? If you said "no," you're already smarter than Mohinder, plus I bet you don't speak in comic book exposition sentences.

Also, who was that girl at the beginning in the autopsy room? She healed back up and put on the white coat and ran out? Is this a new character? Oh, wait, it's just Wolverteen. I just didn't recogninze her without her cheerleader uniform on. Luckily, she got back into it later.

This part isn't a joke, it's just me getting old (apparently): When Sensitive Flying Guy goes to see Mohinder about his powers, he mentions sketching the future once in the presence of Tortured Artist. I'm not saying it didn't happen, I just totally, totally, totally don't remember when that happened, and I thought I watched this show pretty closely. Even assuming he did, isn't he making quite a leap here? That means he's assuming Tortured Artist has super powers as well...ah, never mind. Logical thinking makes this show not fun. Like "24."

Speaking of fun, how about Hiro and his buddy dressing up in the "Rain Man" suits and coming down the elevator? Hilarious.

I'm not going to waste a lot of time talking about SFG and Mohinder...because all they like to do is talk. Let's talk action. Dark Ali Larter-style action.

The mob boss (whatever his name is) that she owes money to is hosting Politician Brother at the boss' Vegas casino (apparently in the casino featured in that NBC show with James Caan). The boss wants Ali Larter to hook up with Politician Brother so they've got some dirt on him to keep him in line. This is an insane plan. Pol. Brother is a good, decent married guy with kids. Why would he risk that to be with Ali Larter?

Oh, right, because she's Ali Larter. I think if my wife caught me cheating with Ali Larter I'd merely look at my wife and say "Do you mind?" And she'd say "How could you?" And I'd say "Because it's ALI LARTER." And if she ended up getting upset and leaving me, at least I could say "We broke up because I had sex with Ali Larter."

Although she's supposed to have sex with Pol. Brother, she decides not to go through with it. She leaves the room and gets yanked into an elevator throat-first by one of the mob guy's thugs. He threatens to do something terrible to her son if she doesn't comply. How does she respond? The best way to put it is, she looks him deep in the eyes and says "Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

He may not like it, but the rest of us do. We finally get to see Dark Ali Larter kick some ass, and threaten to puncture a guy's head with the heel of her shoe. Bad. Ass. Then she goes back and has sex with Pol. Brother anyway. But it's Dark Ali Larter. Plus she's got a tattoo of that weird symbol that keeps showing up everywhere.

Let's see...who else? Weiss from "Alias" is captured by Glasses-Wearing Man and they're going to run tests on him. There's a black guy there who apparently has pretty significant mental abilities. Not much happens here.

SFG and Mohinder decide to go see Tortured Artist. There's a LOT of exposition during their conversations. Not much happens here.

Wolverteen heals up and surprises her would-be rapist and accidental would-be murderer. Turns out he's done this before (and since one of his victims tells Wolverteen about it, I'm assuming she was only raped, and not murdered, but you can never tell with this show). Wolverteen decides to get back at him. A lot happens here, but honestly, it's nothing that hasn't happened in previous episodes. Wolverteen puts on cheerleader uniform. Wolverteen gets put into life-threatening situation. Wolverteen survives and heals (assumedly; we don't actually see that part in this episode, although they did thankfully point out at the beginning who removed the stick from her brain and why that person didn't see her heal).

Finally, SFG and Mohinder are on the subway. They're still talking, and suddenly everything stops. This is either genius or hysterically ironic. Because now a scene with Mohinder is both figuratively AND literally grinding to a halt.

But he's not the one doing it. SFG has slowed down time, but that's not his power. He can only copy powers (something he apparently figured out between shows, probably by reading my recaps). It is, however, Hiro's power. But he's nowhere around. He's in Vegas, right?

That's when Hiro steps out and begins warning SFG. Except it's not goofy Hiro. It's bad-ass, sword-carrying, English-speaking, "Days of Future Past" Hiro. With a warning. He says:

"Tune in next week to hear what I have to say."

I have to hand it to them, though, that despite the moronic writing at times and inconsistencies, I will be tuned in. Apparently every Monday, since it just got picked up for a whole season's run.

If you've missed "Heroes" and aren't getting quite the necessary level of detail from my recaps (BLASHPEMY!), you can catch a rerun of the first four episodes this Sunday.

LOST Episode: The Sun Ain't Gonna Shine Anymore...

2006-10-12T12:06:00.000-05:00

I'll admit that, even giving it some excuse for terrible scheduling problems, season two of "Lost" had some rough spots. There weren't necessarily any terrible episodes, but there were several episodes that made you wonder if season one hadn't been something of a fluke. Sure the island mythology stuff was always interesting, but a lot season two's backstories seemed lacking. Season three had a lot to prove.

They came out swinging with last week's episode, turning Jack into an actual, fully-realized character, instead of the whiny crybaby he'd turned into last season. What tops that? Well, obviously a Locke story, and preferably the story about how he lost the use of his legs (and again, next week's episode is about Locke, Eko and Desmond's fate, but I have no idea whose backstory is featured). But failing Locke, how about an episode of Sun and Jin?

Sun and Jin continue to be the most interesting and engaging characters on the show. If you wanted to compile a "Best of Lost" dvd collection, you'd need to have the first Locke episode, the Mr. Eko episode and then every episode with Sun and Jin.

The episode begins with Sun, as a young child, being confronted by her father. He accuses her of breaking a glass ballerina, but she claims it was the maid. Even when faced with the choice of taking the blame or allowing the maid to be fired for it, she still maintains her innocence. I think this provides an interesting look into Sun's character, as, even at a young age, she seems adverse to facing up to her "sins." Granted, up to this point, the only "sin" Sun is guilty of is not telling her husband she wants to leave him and trying to "escape" to America.

Sawyer and Kate are still in their little cages, eating fish biscuits. Suddenly, a group of the Others appear, led by the obnoxious guy whom I'm going to have to come up with a catchy name for at some point. The Others have some breakfast, because Kate and Sawyer are going to need to "keep their strength up."

Before they can leave, they're interrupted by a group led by... Trixie from "Deadwood!" It's amazing to watch her on a TV show for an hour and not her say either "fuck" or "cunt" or often both in the same sentence. Anyone who's seen her on "Deadwood" will know what I'm talking about. Anyone who hasn't seen on her "Deadwood" will think I'm being unnecessarily vulgar, but that's not the case. If I was being unnecessarily vulgar, I would have simply said "They're interrupted by a fucking group led by that fucking cunt Trixie from that fucking 'Deadwood' show. Fuck."

Trixie and her group are off to find the boat. We'll get to that part of the story in a little bit. First, let's find out why Kate and Sawyer need to keep their strength up. The Others obviously have some sort of master plan. They've kidnapped, they've killed, they dress up in silly costumes, so there's obviously something going on. Ben (or Henry or Keyser Soze) assured Kate last episode that things were going to get rough the next few weeks. So here it comes. Things are about to get rough. Kate and Sawyer are going to have to...

Break...rocks. And then put them in wheelbarrow.

I'm sorry, wait. So...on this island with an electromagnetic anomaly capable of bringing down a plane unless a series of numbers is entered in a computer in an underground hatch, which in turn is being monitored from another hatch, which is in turn part of a series of hatches strewn throughout the island that involve polar bears and sharks, which in turn are part of some secret organization, which may or may not be also responsible for a large black cloud of something that flies through the woods and knocks down trees, which may somehow be connected to My Boy! who may or may not have some sort of psychic powers...the master plan is to clear out the garden?

Um...what?

Kate goes about her business until she's interrupted by Alex...remember Alex? Rousseau's daughter? Remember Rousseau? Alex helped Claire escape? Remember Claire? Claire is looking for the guy that tried to escape with Sawyer last episode, then she runs off herself. She's either part of the Others trying to get out of their grasp, or the Others have horrible security (despite the bank of cameras we see later).

Then comes the next part of the episode that pisses me off. Saywer walks off and kisses Kate, in a show of defiance to the Others. They come over to stop him and Saywer, well, there's just no better way to put this; Saywer goes fucking apeshit on them and looks like he's going to tear the Others apart one person at a time. This will be the first of two bad-ass moments in this episode.

That's not what pisses me off. What pisses me off is Kate, who's father was in the army, who's killed someone on her own, who's escaped capture by federal martials and who has shown she has some bad-ass combat moves of her own, allows stupid Juliet to sneak up on her and pull her gun. Since when did Kate become a captive? Also, why didn't Sawyer just shoot Juliet? For that matter, shoot Kate in the leg, then while everyone is suprised, start mowing down Others? Fucking Kate. And I don't mean that in a good way.

Sawyer's revolution gets put down, so we turn our attention to Trixie. Trixie spotted Sayid, Sun and Jin on the boat. Ben seems very interested in the boat. Why? Didn't they give Michael and My Boy! a boat to leave the island? Maybe it's not the boat they want; maybe they just don't want other people to have one. But then why don't they burn it or something?

Sayid has lit the signal fire for Jack and company to spot, but they haven't returned. So they move on and start another one. A bigger one. Why? Sun gets wise and confronts Sayid about things. Yes, he's plotting a trap to lure the Others. What's the plan when they get there?

He plans on killing all of them except two, and using one of the two to get the other one to talk.

I'm sorry, but I'm going to have go back and adjust the poll we took last season. A comment like that means Jack Bauer loses his status as number one hardass. Basically, Sayid's plan is "If there are 30 people coming this way, I plan on killing 28 of them, and I'm going to hurt one of the two survivors enough to make the other one talk." This, of course, is the second of the two aforementioned bad-ass moments.

Unfortunately, his plan never comes to fruition. The Others sneak onto the boat, while Sayid and Jin are waiting in the woods. This leaves Sun alone on the boat. I don't understand what would have been wrong with all three of them waiting on the boat, and then just slaugthering them all as they came on board. Because it's just Sun, and what's she going to do, shoot somebo...oh, nevermind.

Poor Trixie. Granted, it looks like Sun didn't do it in cold blood, more as a reflex in response to the starting of the boat's engine. But she still got to fight more Others than Sayid (but less than Saywer). Unfortunately, she jumps out of the boat, instead of going down guns blazing.

I realize I mentioned that this episode was about Sun and Jin, but I haven't talked too much about them. It turns out Sun was sleeping with that guy, and her father found out about it. Sun's father has Jin go over to "take care" of the guy, but at the last minute, Jin can't go through with it. Sure, he beats the holy Hell out of the guy, but he doesn't kill him. The guy takes care of that all on his own by throwing himself off the balcony of his hotel room.

Of course, this all happens without Jin finding out what's really going on. Or does he? I mean, he figures out that Sun betrays him by speaking English thinking he won't understand. Is he really so naive as to think that the "magic" island allowed Sun to get pregnant? Plus, here we have Sun's unwillingness to take responsibility for her actions resulting in the beating of her lover, and his eventual suicide (and I'm not going to spend too much time on the following theory, but did anyone wonder if he actually jumped, or if Sun's father had a second hitman follow Jin to finish things in case he couldn't?).

In the end, we see Jack in his cell. We also get some interesting information from Keyser Soze. He and Jack have this conversation:

Ben: My real name is Benjamin Linus. I've lived on...

Jack: Bwahahahahahahahaha! Your name is Benjamin Linus? That's the silliest name I've ever heard!

Ben: Yes. Well. Anyway, I've lived on...

Jack: No, seriously, say that aloud. Benjamin Linus. That's just hilarious.

Ben: Great. Now. I've lived on...

Jack: Where's your security blanket, Linus? Bwahahahahahahaha!

Ben: I've lived on this island my entire life!

Jack: With a name like that, I don't blame you!

Ben also goes on to explain that they do have contact with the outside world. He also makes it sound like they could get off this island, if they chose to. However, they apparently choose not to leave. Why? Don't know. But he promises to get Jack home, if Jack helps them.

Ben: We know what's been going on in the world. We know George Bush got re-elected and that Boston won the World Series. And we can help send you back, if you help us.

Jack: Wait, you're offering to send me back to a place where they re-elect George Bush? I'm fine. Bring on the Smoke Monster.

HEROES: Issue 3

2006-10-10T08:54:00.000-05:00

We're three episodes into "Heroes" and it's time to take a hard look at the show. A lot the hype about it being a superhero show has kind of died down for me, and now we have to critically analyze it. While I'm still loving the show, I have to admit that the writing on it pales in comparison to something like "Lost" or "Veronica Mars." Instead, "Heroes" kind of fills the same kind of slot as "24." A lot of it's cheesy or predictable, but you're enjoying it anyway. It's still a couple of steps above being a "guilty pleasure," but it's also not going to win any awards, either.

Let's talk about Wolverteen for starters. In the first episode, we see her intentionally putting herself into life-threatening situations to test her powers. That's fine. However, in the second episode, she got clobbered by a football player hard enough to snap her neck around. Well, whatever. Now, in this third episode, she gets attacked by her date and a stick gets shoved into her brain, "killing" her. It's a good think she's got healing powers, or else she might not have survived high school. Is the life of a high school cheerleader that dangerous? I have three daughters to think of here. I don't want them joining the cheerleading squad if it means risking their life every week. I also don't want them joining the cheerleading squad if it means they constantly have to wear their cheerleading outfits like Wolverteen seems to do. Now, if there was some way to get my wife to wear one all the time, that'd be fine.

Then we have Sensitive Flying Guy. Call me old-fashioned, but I like my superheroes a little...what's the best way to put this? Let's just say if all the heroes get together and form a supergroup, he won't be know as the "brains" of the operation. Plus, he seems less likely to form a supergroup and more likely to form an emo group, performing sensitive rock songs about ex-girlfriends and flying.

I admit SFG's Politician Brother is kind of an ass, but he's also the only sane one of the show. Seriously, I know we're supposed to sympathize SFG and think Politician Brother is being a hardass, but let's imagine you have superpowers. And you're not sure if you want to share that with the rest of the world yet. And someone in your life also think they have superpowers. And they show up at your office.

You: Hey, what are you doing here? At my office? Surrounded by people who work for me and depend on my sanity and stability for their livelihood?

Your Friend: Remember yesterday when we both were flying? Well, I tried to fly again like we both did yesterday, remember? When we both flew? Like, not on an airplane, but when I jumped off a roof and flew through the air when you caught me?

You: Do I know you?

So I have to side with Politician Brother on this one.

Then we have Dark Phoe...I mean, Ali Larter's character. Apparently, her husband killed some of the members of his gang and is now on the lam from the cops. However, the guy's mom doesn't believe it. Neither does Ali Larter's son. I don't know why, it's so obvious he killed them. After all, she found them buried in the desert. In fact, they were buried in the same spot she was going to bury some people she had killed when she blacked out for four hours and then drove to this very spot to bury some more bodies. So, see, obviously, he's the killer.

Speaking of killers, let's talk about Sylar. Sylar is apparently the super-villain of the story. Mohinder (who, remember, has the superpower of speaking totally in exposition) finds an address for Sylar. Mohinder, along with Unnecessary Love Interest Neighbor, go to Sylar's apartment and find a disturbing secret. Apparently...Sylar is a big fan of that movie "Seven." Hey, I'm a fan too, but I don't take my decorating tips from it.

Sylar has a map that's a lot like the map Mohinder's father had in his apartment. However, there seems to be a lot more people marked on the map. I don't think I talked much about the map last time, so here's the deal with the map: Apparently, the father found a way to track down people with superpowers and mapped that out. This map has more marks on it. Sylar has been tracking people down on the map and, oh, I don't know, probably freezing people and cutting their brains out.

We also find out another secret, this one about Mohinder's father. It turns out...he's not really dead! Well, we don't know that for sure. What we do know is that they show a picture of Mohinder's father on his book, and it's a picture of an actor you wouldn't think they'd cast just to use as a picture in one shot. Kind of like when Michelle Rodriguez showed up in the season one finale of "Lost" and you said to yourself "Oh, Christ, not her." At the very least, Mohinder's father will show up in a flashback.

Speaking of flashbacks, Hiro is back in time. Well, almost. He's apparently been gone for two days. He meets up with his friend and tells him he traveled in time and space, and saw the coming nuclear holocaust of New York. He shows his friend the comic book that details every event, including the conversation they're having now. In the comic, he's supposed to rescue a girl from a speeding truck. Hiro takes his friend with him to prove to him that he's got powers.

They save the girl and Hiro's friend is convinced. They decide to follow the comic book and travel to America. They apparently decide to follow everything in the comic book, including the advertisements, because once they arrive in America, they rent a Nissan Versa. They don't just request a car, they specifically request a Nissan Versa. Also, they say Versa a lot. For more information on the Nissan Versa, see their website.

Then we have Weiss from "Alias." He's been taken into custody by the FBI. Last week, he found a little girl who's parents had been murdered (apparently by Sylar). The FBI brings him down to talk to the little girl (or at least listen to her thoughts) and they find her being attacked (again, apparently by Sylar, but they don't show his face). Sylar uses his powers to force the FBI agent to put the gun to her head. Before she can pull the trigger, Weiss comes in and shoots Sylar. This is actually a pretty disappointing turn of events, because it looked they were setting Sylar up to be a major villain for the...wait just a minute! Jason Voorhees-style, Sylar pops up and vanishes into the night.

Weiss goes home and figures out that he's got the same powers at Mel Gibson in "What Women Want." Unfortunately, what his woman wants isn't him. So he goes to a bar and starts listening to people's thoughts. Except there's one guy that he's getting absolutely nothing from. Weiss starts to freak out, and then it's time for my episode wrap-up.

First of all, this show gets away with more outright gore than I've ever seen on a TV show (granted, I don't watch "CSI" so there may be comparable scenes on there as well). In this episode alone you had Wolverteen taking a stick in the neck and having her chest opened for an autopsy.

Second, there's the symbol. I guess this is the "Heroes" version of "Lost's" numbers, because it's popping up everywhere. It's in the professor's equations, on Wolverteen's notebook, on the chain around the guy's neck (with Weiss in the bar). What does it mean? I think it's some kind of mathematical symbol, although, being an English major, I would have no way of figuring that out for sure. Besides what it is, what does it mean?

Third, I really like Hiro and his friend, but people need to know not to get attached to the friend. No, that's no spoiler, and I'm not privy to any sort of insider information. But Hiro thinks he's following this comic- style life. Well, first he gets his superpowers. Then he tests them out. Then he saves someone. Now he's been called for a higher purpose. What happens next? Ask Uncle Ben. Ask Obi Wan Kenobi. Don't forget Pa Kent. No heroic journey is complete without the loss of a trusted loved one. Hiro's friend's days are numbered. I'm guessing Sylar kills him in an attempt to get at Hiro, and then Hiro's quest becomes personal.

And I said it before, and I'll say it again until idiot SFG figures it out on his own. Politician Brother can fly. SFG is an empath. He senses other people's emotions and responds in ways that they want/need. In addition, when he's near someone with superpowers, he absorbs their powers. This will become apparent when he gets next to Wolverteen/Weiss/Hiro and heals/hears people's thoughts/teleports. Because if both brothers can fly, then one of them is either going to be a bad guy or end up dead. That's just the way it works.

Also, why no super-speedster? Maybe in Season Two.